Songs for My Band’s Next Album.

Many of you know that I am in a completely hypothetical band. We don’t - you know - actually “play music” or “own instruments”, we simply exist as a band in the universe. Pretty much anybody can be in the band. Do you want to be in our band? POOF! You’re in the band. Congratulations.

Over the years I have been compiling a list of songs that I will never write. The songs below will be on our forthcoming album which will never be written, recorded, or released. Enjoy!


The Abstract Machine

Your Unengineered Moral Architecture is Crumbling

The Root Book

Magical Realism on the Great Plains

Binary Logic is the Spiritual reality of the root-tree

Too Thin Information

The Abortionists of Unity

Pay to the Order of Disorder!

The Alligator Knows an Eskimo

The Charming Crimes I Commit

Flat Multiplicities of n Dimensions

That Gun-Penis Thing

What We Do in the 6th Floor Stairwell

Microfascisms

White Dudes Speaking for Other People

Your Wikipedia of Desire

Follow the Plants

Pop Nihilism

Heavy Metal Hanukkah

Partying in Secret

Jimmy Smits and the Riots!

The Fossil Song.

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(Some of these are words/ideas straight up lifted from Deleuze & Guattari’s introduction to their book a thousand plateaus [which I was recently made to read] and luckily for me, their “rhizomatic” approach to systems of knowledge seems to preclude the possibility of plagiarism and so they can’t sue me for stealing from them. Suckers!).
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Twang a Lute

That last poem was about a woman I was introduced to during my recent travels. Her name was not Marie but she actually was an organic horticulturalist and as soon as she said it I said that I was going to steal that for a poem. Those words just feel good in the mouth. Go ahead and say it out loud right now: organic horticulturalist.

It’s fun to say, right?!

This is one of those times when I would have to agree with William Burroughs in that the sound and the feel of the words is the source of our pleasure (as opposed to their meanings). I guess we should take that with a grain of salt though since Burroughs also once wrote the sentence, “Naked Mugwump twangs a lute.”

The editors here at Standardkink have been quietly muttering “the organic horticulturalist” to themselves since I wrote that last poem and they have also been composing a list of other professions which are similarly pleasurable to say out loud:

The desirable phlebotomist

The despondent urologist

The schizophrenic meteorologist

The syphilitic televangelist

The condescending dentist

The quadriplegic archaeologist

The incestious epedimiologist

The lovelorn mixologist

The flammable typist

The buoyant marine biologist

The forgetful hypnotist

The disoriented oncologist

The hearing impaired flutist

The vengeful zoologist

The moist philatelist

The inconsistent arsonist

The incarcerated organist

The debauched hydroclimatologist

The engorged pederast

The hypoglycemic pediadist

The agoraphobic aerialist

The carnivorous mammalogist

The cunning linguist

The cantankerous gastroenterologist

Spoiler alert, “The Moist Philatelist” is totally going to be the name of my band’s next album.

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Songs for My Band’s Next Album.

As you probably know, I play the variable-speed blender in a very progressive and completely fake band. The members are real (I let anybody in, I’m kind of a whore) but our resolve to practice or actually learn to play music is very much not real.

However, just in case that ever changes, I keep lists of song titles for our next album (not to blow my own horn, but word on the street is that this next album will be our seminal work). Here are the songs which you will (or won’t, it is up to you) be rocking out to soon:

The Investment Banker from Norway

Two Eeks

A Pedantic Gadfly

Some of These Ideas are Not Yet Well-Formed

Whiskey Breakfast

I Would Like to Hang Out with You in the Water Closet with Just a Cardboard Box Between us While We Play Guitar

I Will Cut You

Nurture, Tortilla Chips, and Fear

No Breaking Dishes Here

Absolutely No Dress Code Enforced; Black Tie Preferred

I Left My Virginity at Your Summer Camp

Nelson Rockfeller’s Secret Children

Your Mom was the Special Guest Star Last Night

I Did Not Intentionally Look Up Animal Porn*

Well I Can Invent a Helicopter that Doesn’t Work Too, da Vinci.



* This was actually said out loud by my roommate Colossal Blossom during a game of “Is it a Website?!” which, if you have never played it, is one of my favorite games, as described below.
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Songs for My Band's Next Album!

If you have visited this blog before then you no doubt know that I am in an entirely fictitious band. Here are some of the songs that will be on our next album! Should we ever actually decide to make a next album (which would be our first). Though in order to even cut an album we will probably have to start practicing … or even all meeting in one place at one time (I think I have let thirty or forty people into the band by now, so the logistics of rehearseing can be a real bitch) … also, we probably can’t actually start practicing until I actually write some of these songs … which I will totally do, just as soon as I learn to play an instrument …

Until all of that happens though, please enjoy these song titles!

The Otter Conclusion

www.rufiegun.com

Ninja in the Bedroom

Forbidden Clam Cave

Lisa is Trying to Get Me to Hook-Up with an Ugly Icelandic Virgin

Happiness is a Learned Condition (from Tom Robbins)

The Finnish Finishing School

Hemispheric Homogenization

I Dream of a World Where Virtuous Platypuses Ride Justice Ostriches into Battle Against Evil

Big Imaginary Bullets

Boat Made of Holes

Tragematopolists with Candy

The Thomas Guide of Her Soul

A Skin’s Length of Scabs

You’re Instrumental When You’re Wordless

How to Make Your Own Furniture Out of Other Furniture

His Jabberwocky of Excuses

Pornographic Cardiogram



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My Band’s Next Album.

If you have read this blog before, then you probably already know that I am in a completely fake band. We are awesome. Kind of a mix of At the Drive In and John Tesh. Or that’s what we would sound like anyway except that most of us can’t actually play any instruments.

I keep a running list though of the titles of the songs that we will never write. Here is our next album that will never happen. Critics are already saying that it will be even more nonexistent than our last album!

Nefarious Raccoon

Just Say “Bundle of Sticks” Next Time

Wounded to Perfection

I Knocked Up a Ghost

This Tastes Like Markers

I Don’t Know Anything about That Bank Robbery

Cheney Sex Tape

I Just Want to Make More Money So I Can Eat More Sushi

It is the future now

Every Decision You Make Is Terrible

Fiesta, Over!

Sorry Your Mom is a Death Eater

Don’t Gerrymander My Heart

Kardashianism

Your Interest in Zombies Annoys Me

We’re Gonna Need a Bigger Bumper Sticker

“Felonious” is Too Funny of a Word for Its Definition

The Pope Would Like a Toucan

I Will Raise Your Debt Ceiling, Baby


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Songs for My Band’s Next Album.

I think that I may have mentioned previously that I am in a completely imaginary band. Or rather, it is a real band with real members; it’s just that almost none of us play what you might traditionally call “musical interments”. Also we never rehearse, or play at all really. Most of the band members don’t even know each other because I keep letting more and more people join. There’s really no screening process at all!

So while we don’t exactly have the trappings of a real band, we do have songs. Or rather, we have titles for as-yet-not-written songs. Please enjoy these new titles for the as-yet-not-written songs on my band’s next album.

Allegorical U-Turn

Lo-fi Pop Noise Invasion

It Sounds Better in German

The California Roll Ho

The Multitude of Meaningss of the Word “Jam”

Your Blood Tastes Weird

The Entirely Predictable Killing Spree

That Food Processor is Haunted!

I Hate Life More Than You Do

Endlessly Clever and Prolific

How to Summon Your Own Spirits

Fools Russian

Hipster Food Truck Armada

Just a Glorified Bear Trap

I’m a Whore for Whores

I’m a Whore for More Whores (Reprise)

Not Your Grandmother’s 4G Network


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Songs for My Band's Next Album.

If you have read this blog before, then you are probably aware that I am in an entirely fake band.

As fake bands go, we’re pretty awesome.

We’re not an air guitar band or anything. THAT would be lame. We’re an entirely hypothetical band.

We have about forty-five hundred members because I invite virtually everyone I meet to be in the band. This has started to pay dividends because we used to have only one member who could play a “traditional” instrument (re: not a blender).

Myself, I play the blender.

However, we acquired another bass player and not one, but two
ukulele players! Also, I was recently given a non-functioning keyboard made entirely out of cardboard, so obviously we will need someone to play that.

Anywhoo, the point is that I am in a fake band and one of my band duties (aside from rocking the variable-speed blender and inviting strangers to join) is coming up with song titles.

Below are songs that will be on my band’s next album. Enjoy!

Someone Stole the Post Office

A Very Cosby-Sweater Christmas Party

The Zodiac Killer Wants a Pizza

I Saw You in a Nasty Thought

She Just Kept Staying Here

Exquisitely Inappropriate Gravitas

Strip Club Piggy Bank

My Pervasive Malaise

Your Mom Has a Blog

The Vengeful Tsunami of History

Modern Life Well-Lived

Cruel Mouth

What Kind of Fire I’ve Got in Me

Nearly Sexy …

I Tend to Approach Everything with Contempt

Panama Wilt

Get a Lamp, Eloise!

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(Not to brag or anything, but people in the know are saying that this might be our breakthrough album.)
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My Band's Next Album.

By now you know that I’m in an entirely fake band. We would probably be awesome and radical and charmingly pernicious, but only one or two people in the band can actually play an instrument of any respectable sort, despite the fact that I have let thirty or forty people join the band.

I have three band-related responsibilities, which I have listed below.

1) I play the variable-speed blender (every band needs a blender player).

2) I talk about the band all the god damn time, lest you forget that it exists (or doesn’t, whatever).

3) I collect titles for all of the songs that we are going to write. I write down things that sound like they would be good songs. I jot them down in my little red notebook. I write them down after arguing with girls who have never heard of dairies, or after reading about flowers, or after getting mugged by dumb Eskimos.

Here are some songs for my band’s next album:



Milk Farmer

God’s Other Projects

Wall Street in the Garden of Eden

Smutty Sort of Lust

Eskimo Arithmetic I: How Eskimos add

Eskimo Arithmetic II: How to add Eskimos

Eskimo Arithmetic III: Why the fuck do we live here? It’s so fucking cold!

Charmingly Pernicious

Jellyfish or Cathedrals

Loosening the Virgin Zone

Eggs-istential Breakfast Dilemma

Infertile iPhone Owner

Bullet-Shaped Fingers

Just Enough of Nothing

The Hoodlums of Connecticut

Cultivating the Pancakes


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Songs For My Band's Next Album.

So if you have read this blog before, you know that I am in a completely fake band. We don’t practice or play and that’s good because most of us can’t actually play what you might call ‘traditional’ instruments anyway.

Myself, I play the variable-speed blender and I am getting quite good (not actually) at the harmonica.

What our band does do, however, is amass good song titles. Below are some of the better and best that we have come up with lately.

Tell me that you don’t want to hear these songs. Seriously. Say it with a straight face.


Some of the awesome songs for our next album:


The Rusty Lush

Tasks Heroic and Necessary

Hot Foggy Glasses - (this is stolen from Eggplant).

Infrared Love Story

The East German Mummy Mania Project

Naked Shower Ghost – (this is stolen from Eggplant & The Captain)

Hot and Damp (like laundry)

Electric Shakespeare

Static Kill

Pavilion of Wigs

Chronic Love Captive

Glorious Defilement

A Growing Constellation

The American Asylum

Slunk Traffickers Trail a Pregnant Cow - (this is stolen from William Burroughs)

Fallacy is the only Phallus I got

Lunar Parking is Easy to Find

Burned Nickel is Burnished Metal

Don’t Stop Unless I Say the Safe Word


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Marie Digby's Umbrella Goes Up to 11.

Now I know that you are pretty cool and so you probably have already heard of this girl Marie Digby, but she popped up on my Pandora the other day while I was at work and so I wasn’t really paying a lot of attention, until I heard the hook of that Rihanna song “Umbrella” (the part when it gets all “ella-ella-ella”) only it was this really pretty singing voice. I read a little bit about this girl and apparently she got herself a record deal by doing acoustic versions of pop songs on Youtube. That’s kinda cool, right?

Here is her acoustic “Umbrella” (Hey! “Acoustic Umbrella” would be a good song for my band’s next album!)




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Songs For My Band's Next Album.

So if you frequent this blog you already know this, but I am in a completely fake band. We don’t ever get together or play music and most of us lack any musical ability whatsoever, to say nothing of musical interments (for my part, I play the variable-speed blender and have actually been getting quite good at it).

In addition to never getting together to practice, we also don’t write any songs. However, I do keep collecting good song titles for – what I believe, anyway – would be delightful and interesting songs. Below are all of the titles for my band’s next album (which will, of course, never actually be produced. How cool is that? Beat that hipsters!).

Enjoy:



Has Been Work Hard Enough

Jogging on the Beach in a Headband

Jogging on the Beach in Just a Headband

The Morse Code of Your Heartbeat

The Brail of Your Skin

Heartache in the Headlines

Naked Noir

The Ash Box (I stole this from Eggplant)

Interactive Internet TV Ruined My Marriage

The Anorexia Engine

Dirty Teenage Group Sex In the Park (I stole this from Eggplant)

It’s Not a Sin Unless You’re Seen

Friends I Don’t Remember Anymore

The Cool Jazz Jam Session in My Heart

I Can’t Stop Not Getting Over You

Njord, The North Sea Sea-God

Dentistry is a Scam


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I'm Like a Rock Star! But Only Like One.

So by now you are probably aware that I am in a totally fake band. We don’t play or practice or get together at all really. In fact only one of us can actually play what would be traditionally called an “instrument” (I play the variable-speed blender, for instance).

However one of my favorite things to do is collect words and phrases that would make good names for songs. I am very good at this. If you were to go back through this blog you would find enough song titles to fill an entire career.

Below are some new (and might I say, pretty awesome) titles for our next album:



Society of Excess

Bubble Gum Punk

Feeding Cows: Raising the Steaks

Instantaneous Lobotomy

IBM Helped the Holocaust

Greed & Grace

Machine Throat

American Dream Defaulted

Sturdy Girl

You Know You Should Not Trust

Erase Your Touch

Better People Than You Are Powerless

The Tragedy Tourist

Mad Like God

Delighted and Content (With Murder!)

The Long, Dull Story of Everything

Platonic Futility

The Happiness Study

Perpetual Motion Junkie


This is totally an album that you want to hear, right?

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Theoretical Apostrophe.

So you know how I’m in a fake band, right? Well I am. It is made up of a bunch of writers and English majors and only one of us can play an actual instrument.

We don’t have a name yet, but I have been thinking a lot about it (probably too much) and I would like to pitch this idea to you, the Internet:

Theoretical Apostrophe

What do you think? Is that sufficiently wacky enough?

I think that it just might be.

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Songs For My Band's Next Album.

As you may well know, I keep a running list of song titles for my (not real) band’s next album. I’m often coming across great little phrases and while I have no intention (or ability) to write any of these songs, I am more than happy to list their names.

Oh, just an FYI for all of our fans, I have been able to convince two actual people from school to be in the fake band! Big awesome to David and George! David is going to play the drums and George is going to play on the internet during our shows. So far it looks like, in addition to coming up with song titles, I will also be playing my variable speed blender. Yeah, we’re that kind of band. We’re like Beck used to be, only more so.

The titles:

Turn Her Brights Full On Me

Try the Albacore Tempura Rolls

The State of Hip Hop in Armenia

Finger Prints Grow Back

God is Not a Wishing Well

Angry, Homeless Hurricane Bees are Pissed

This is for the Girl with All the Problems

Jews of the Chocolate Trail

The Master of Sonorous Prose

The Greatest Romancer of the Machine

Chronic Sense of Cultural Inferiority

The Pulse in Her Bones

The Whole Galactical Thing

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A New Song!

So Violet just suggested another song for my band’s next album:

You’re an Emotional Terrorist!

Wait, I just realized that that kind of makes it sound like I am accusing someone of being a terrorist with a lot of emotions. How about:

You’re a Terrorist of Emotions!

That doesn’t have quite the same zing to it, does it?

Well, maybe we will just have to put both songs on the album.
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My Band's Next Album.

So I have no band. I don’t play an instrument. In fact, I am uniquely un-gifted in the realm of music. I enjoy music, but I do not understand it.

Nevertheless, I have a rich inner-life and I often conceive of song ideas and the names of songs. I find fodder for these songs everywhere. Often these titles derive from a couple of oddly matched words in a magazine article (the August 3rd 2009 NEWSWEEK was a particularly juicy read this month) or a really good street sign, or prominent words that sizzle out of competing conversations in a restaurant.

Anyway, here are some of the only recently-conceived songs that will be appearing on my band’s next album:

Polish Poster School
Disappearing Rabbit
Somali Gunboat
The Honeybees of Paris
Sasquatch Picnic
Vanishing Snowshore
Stickiness Machine
The Accidental Parachutist
His Poodle Carino
Horton Hears Some Hubris
Concrete Honey
The Ducting Effect
The Ultra-Sonic Bowel Spasm Device
Bovine Fascination
Amateur Taxonomist
My Radar-Activated Hail Gun
Joy is a Well-Made Object
World Seed Bank
Sweat ‘cause it’s Hot
Alexander Stchukin, the Peanut Specialist



Me and my band, we are cool like The Who, only cooler.
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