Bread Crumbs.

Some of life's greatest joys are also the smallest.

(Thanks to my friend The Captain for sending this my way.)

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The Same Picture of Dave Coulier Every Day.

If you enjoy looking at picture of Dave Coulier – and who doesn’t? – then you might enjoy this blog: http://samepicofdavecoulier.tumblr.com/ 

Thanks to Captain David Morck for bringing this to the attention of the editors here at Standardkink.

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Lotion.

I was recently having a G-Talk convo with my dear friend The Captain and we were exchanging tips on the things that the ladies like (we are both divorced men) and I was explaining how the ladies really like it when you explain say things like, “it puts the lotion in the basket” which prompted his delightful tirade below:




Not everyone is part of the 1% and can afford wells and pardon me Mr. Fancy, I can just buy a shovel at OSH. Some of us can barely afford top ramen, Fancy Pants. Some of us just buy a small potting pot with potting soil and say, “Stand in the pot, now put the lotion on … I’m just gonna hand you the lotion, I can’t afford string and a basket.” Elitist.


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Songs For My Band's Next Album.

So if you have read this blog before, you know that I am in a completely fake band. We don’t practice or play and that’s good because most of us can’t actually play what you might call ‘traditional’ instruments anyway.

Myself, I play the variable-speed blender and I am getting quite good (not actually) at the harmonica.

What our band does do, however, is amass good song titles. Below are some of the better and best that we have come up with lately.

Tell me that you don’t want to hear these songs. Seriously. Say it with a straight face.


Some of the awesome songs for our next album:


The Rusty Lush

Tasks Heroic and Necessary

Hot Foggy Glasses - (this is stolen from Eggplant).

Infrared Love Story

The East German Mummy Mania Project

Naked Shower Ghost – (this is stolen from Eggplant & The Captain)

Hot and Damp (like laundry)

Electric Shakespeare

Static Kill

Pavilion of Wigs

Chronic Love Captive

Glorious Defilement

A Growing Constellation

The American Asylum

Slunk Traffickers Trail a Pregnant Cow - (this is stolen from William Burroughs)

Fallacy is the only Phallus I got

Lunar Parking is Easy to Find

Burned Nickel is Burnished Metal

Don’t Stop Unless I Say the Safe Word


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ROT FLAME-O!

So I was just texting with a friend of mine who we will call The Captain (because he's a former tug boat captain). He’s an English Department guy like me and we happened to agree that you should only use LOL if you actually laughed out loud and not just as text message filler to indicate good will.

Well this conversation went on to deteriorated the way that only people schooled in Deconstruction Theory can make a conversation deteriorate, until we decided that it is okay to use ROTFLMAO (Rolling On The Floor Laughing My Ass Off) in actual, face-to-face, verbal conversation as long as you mispronounce it as “Rot Flame-o!”

So the next time that someone says something really funny to you, if you’re not in the mood to actually roll on the floor and laugh your ass off, then you are allowed to scream “ROT FLAME-O!” at that person.

I think this is going to be the beginning of a meme. You heard it here first folks!

Oh, and you're welcome.

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