Songs for My Band’s Next Album.

As you probably know, I play the variable-speed blender in a very progressive and completely fake band. The members are real (I let anybody in, I’m kind of a whore) but our resolve to practice or actually learn to play music is very much not real.

However, just in case that ever changes, I keep lists of song titles for our next album (not to blow my own horn, but word on the street is that this next album will be our seminal work). Here are the songs which you will (or won’t, it is up to you) be rocking out to soon:

The Investment Banker from Norway

Two Eeks

A Pedantic Gadfly

Some of These Ideas are Not Yet Well-Formed

Whiskey Breakfast

I Would Like to Hang Out with You in the Water Closet with Just a Cardboard Box Between us While We Play Guitar

I Will Cut You

Nurture, Tortilla Chips, and Fear

No Breaking Dishes Here

Absolutely No Dress Code Enforced; Black Tie Preferred

I Left My Virginity at Your Summer Camp

Nelson Rockfeller’s Secret Children

Your Mom was the Special Guest Star Last Night

I Did Not Intentionally Look Up Animal Porn*

Well I Can Invent a Helicopter that Doesn’t Work Too, da Vinci.



* This was actually said out loud by my roommate Colossal Blossom during a game of “Is it a Website?!” which, if you have never played it, is one of my favorite games, as described below.
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Is It a Website?!

If I recall correctly this game was invented back when I lived in San Diego. Here is what you need to play:

- A few fun people
- Some booze never hurts
- A laptop with internet

Here is how it works: You think up web addresses that may or not be real. You type them in. You find yourself constantly amazed, delighted, appalled, transfigured.

That’s it. That is the whole game. It is perfect in its simplicity. I understand that right now you don’t think much of it, but go get some people together, pop open a bottle of wine and try playing. It is simply and always (seriously, 100% of the time) a super fun way to kill an evening.

And hey, maybe along the way your roommate will be forced to defend herself for looking up animal porn.

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