Songs for My Band’s Next Album.

As you probably know, I play the variable-speed blender in a very progressive and completely fake band. The members are real (I let anybody in, I’m kind of a whore) but our resolve to practice or actually learn to play music is very much not real.

However, just in case that ever changes, I keep lists of song titles for our next album (not to blow my own horn, but word on the street is that this next album will be our seminal work). Here are the songs which you will (or won’t, it is up to you) be rocking out to soon:

The Investment Banker from Norway

Two Eeks

A Pedantic Gadfly

Some of These Ideas are Not Yet Well-Formed

Whiskey Breakfast

I Would Like to Hang Out with You in the Water Closet with Just a Cardboard Box Between us While We Play Guitar

I Will Cut You

Nurture, Tortilla Chips, and Fear

No Breaking Dishes Here

Absolutely No Dress Code Enforced; Black Tie Preferred

I Left My Virginity at Your Summer Camp

Nelson Rockfeller’s Secret Children

Your Mom was the Special Guest Star Last Night

I Did Not Intentionally Look Up Animal Porn*

Well I Can Invent a Helicopter that Doesn’t Work Too, da Vinci.



* This was actually said out loud by my roommate Colossal Blossom during a game of “Is it a Website?!” which, if you have never played it, is one of my favorite games, as described below.
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Songs for My Band’s Next Album.

I think that I may have mentioned previously that I am in a completely imaginary band. Or rather, it is a real band with real members; it’s just that almost none of us play what you might traditionally call “musical interments”. Also we never rehearse, or play at all really. Most of the band members don’t even know each other because I keep letting more and more people join. There’s really no screening process at all!

So while we don’t exactly have the trappings of a real band, we do have songs. Or rather, we have titles for as-yet-not-written songs. Please enjoy these new titles for the as-yet-not-written songs on my band’s next album.

Allegorical U-Turn

Lo-fi Pop Noise Invasion

It Sounds Better in German

The California Roll Ho

The Multitude of Meaningss of the Word “Jam”

Your Blood Tastes Weird

The Entirely Predictable Killing Spree

That Food Processor is Haunted!

I Hate Life More Than You Do

Endlessly Clever and Prolific

How to Summon Your Own Spirits

Fools Russian

Hipster Food Truck Armada

Just a Glorified Bear Trap

I’m a Whore for Whores

I’m a Whore for More Whores (Reprise)

Not Your Grandmother’s 4G Network


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Songs for My Band's Next Album.

If you have read this blog before, then you are probably aware that I am in an entirely fake band.

As fake bands go, we’re pretty awesome.

We’re not an air guitar band or anything. THAT would be lame. We’re an entirely hypothetical band.

We have about forty-five hundred members because I invite virtually everyone I meet to be in the band. This has started to pay dividends because we used to have only one member who could play a “traditional” instrument (re: not a blender).

Myself, I play the blender.

However, we acquired another bass player and not one, but two
ukulele players! Also, I was recently given a non-functioning keyboard made entirely out of cardboard, so obviously we will need someone to play that.

Anywhoo, the point is that I am in a fake band and one of my band duties (aside from rocking the variable-speed blender and inviting strangers to join) is coming up with song titles.

Below are songs that will be on my band’s next album. Enjoy!

Someone Stole the Post Office

A Very Cosby-Sweater Christmas Party

The Zodiac Killer Wants a Pizza

I Saw You in a Nasty Thought

She Just Kept Staying Here

Exquisitely Inappropriate Gravitas

Strip Club Piggy Bank

My Pervasive Malaise

Your Mom Has a Blog

The Vengeful Tsunami of History

Modern Life Well-Lived

Cruel Mouth

What Kind of Fire I’ve Got in Me

Nearly Sexy …

I Tend to Approach Everything with Contempt

Panama Wilt

Get a Lamp, Eloise!

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(Not to brag or anything, but people in the know are saying that this might be our breakthrough album.)
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My Band's Next Album.

By now you know that I’m in an entirely fake band. We would probably be awesome and radical and charmingly pernicious, but only one or two people in the band can actually play an instrument of any respectable sort, despite the fact that I have let thirty or forty people join the band.

I have three band-related responsibilities, which I have listed below.

1) I play the variable-speed blender (every band needs a blender player).

2) I talk about the band all the god damn time, lest you forget that it exists (or doesn’t, whatever).

3) I collect titles for all of the songs that we are going to write. I write down things that sound like they would be good songs. I jot them down in my little red notebook. I write them down after arguing with girls who have never heard of dairies, or after reading about flowers, or after getting mugged by dumb Eskimos.

Here are some songs for my band’s next album:



Milk Farmer

God’s Other Projects

Wall Street in the Garden of Eden

Smutty Sort of Lust

Eskimo Arithmetic I: How Eskimos add

Eskimo Arithmetic II: How to add Eskimos

Eskimo Arithmetic III: Why the fuck do we live here? It’s so fucking cold!

Charmingly Pernicious

Jellyfish or Cathedrals

Loosening the Virgin Zone

Eggs-istential Breakfast Dilemma

Infertile iPhone Owner

Bullet-Shaped Fingers

Just Enough of Nothing

The Hoodlums of Connecticut

Cultivating the Pancakes


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I'm Like a Rock Star! But Only Like One.

So by now you are probably aware that I am in a totally fake band. We don’t play or practice or get together at all really. In fact only one of us can actually play what would be traditionally called an “instrument” (I play the variable-speed blender, for instance).

However one of my favorite things to do is collect words and phrases that would make good names for songs. I am very good at this. If you were to go back through this blog you would find enough song titles to fill an entire career.

Below are some new (and might I say, pretty awesome) titles for our next album:



Society of Excess

Bubble Gum Punk

Feeding Cows: Raising the Steaks

Instantaneous Lobotomy

IBM Helped the Holocaust

Greed & Grace

Machine Throat

American Dream Defaulted

Sturdy Girl

You Know You Should Not Trust

Erase Your Touch

Better People Than You Are Powerless

The Tragedy Tourist

Mad Like God

Delighted and Content (With Murder!)

The Long, Dull Story of Everything

Platonic Futility

The Happiness Study

Perpetual Motion Junkie


This is totally an album that you want to hear, right?

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