Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Can’t Keep it in Anymore …

I know that this is going to put me in the minority, but I just have to get it out; over the weekend I tried watching the Lord of the Rings movies again because they were on TV, and I really just can’t get into them I’m sorry, I just don’t like them. They’re really long and kinda dumb and if it wasn’t for how creepy the weird little Gollum thing is, they’re virtually unwatchable, in my opinion. And I’m not even trying to be a contrarian in this particular instance. The whole good/bad thing is so lamely simplified that it’s like the film makers think I’m a 12-year-old boy (at least Darth Vader was interesting). Every death-defying thing that the dumb little Hobbits have to escape from is so contrived that it feels like Middle Earth is just a giant Rube Goldberg of death*. Add to that the fact that the filmmakers are just so god damn in love with themselves that every single scene has twice as many shots in it as it needs to. Seriously, watch one of those scenes when Frodo is falling or something and Sam catches him just in the nick of time, invariably they are in slow motion and each time it takes like five minutes of close ups of their anguished faces to fully illustrate something that happened in two seconds?

Don’t even get me started on the “acting”. Yes Ian McKlellen, you’re a bad ass, I respect you, but you were totally phoning that in. The subtext in every single scene was, “Do you like my hair? I’m a wizard. I know, right? But they’re paying me a lot of money.” And is anyone really able to look at Orlando Bloom and not snicker a little bit at how simply stupid he looks? I mean, come on! It’s like an albino at a renaissance fair!

Anyway, like I said, I know you all disagree, but I just couldn’t keep it in any longer. I feel better now though.

I am currently involved in a class action law suit with Peter Jackson. I’m trying to get ten hours of my life back.

* A Rube Goldberg of Death (actually a pencil sharpener)


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