Friday, May 29, 2009

Girl Raised by Wolves! Er ... well, dogs.

I didn’t think things like this actually happened, but here you go!



This little girl was apparently abandoned in a condemned apartment by her mother and the girl was basically raised by a bunch of dogs. So barks and bites and jumps just like a dog and she also walks around on all fours.

Apparently the dogs really did take her in and care for her and feed her and keep her warm.

Here is a story about it.

But the weirdest part is that if you type “Raised by ...” into google, you get some truly strange options.

Oh, and apparently this whole raised by animals things happens all the time in Russia because I found like three other stories about it. This is totally why we won the Cold War, right?
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Volt YOU!

So Chevy has 18 cars that get 30 miles per gallon or more, but of those 18, 12 are either Pontiacs or Saturns and they are getting rid of Pontiac and they are about to get rid of Saturn. Does that make a whole lot of sense?

I know that they think this Volt car is going to save their asses, but, um … that’s kinda like putting all of your eggs in one basket. I mean, isn’t it exactly like putting all of your eggs in one basket. Or in this case, one plug-in-car!



Man, I could run a fricken’ car company better than these people.
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Friday, May 22, 2009

New (VERY) Short Story

Here is a very short story that I wrote today on my lunch break. I think it is fun and fluffy!




ALL'S WELL THAT ENDS
By James Bezerra

If all the world really is a stage then my prop master is totally going to lose his job because I can never find my keys.

This time they are in the fish tank. I grab them and shake off the water as I dash DownStageLeft and my apartment slides off on casters. Stagehands all in black push my car across to StageRight as the scenery goes flying by.

The library is lowered in on thick steel cables as I hop out of the car, which the stagehands drag off. I rush up the steps of the library; they look like granite but they are really just knotty wood wrapped in muslin.

As I fling open the doors, the library swivels around so you can see the interior: rows of books and a center aisle that widens toward DownStage so as to create a more pleasant sightline and to imply size and grandeur.

I dash into one of the rows. You can’t see me anymore but you can see the books that I am hurling out into the aisle. I’m looking for one book. Just one book. One play. This play. My play. The play that you are watching right now. Why is it so hard to find just one specific thing in a library?

You see more of the books that I am hurling.

I need to know how this ends, because if there is a gun in the first act, then it has to go off in the last one and while there was no gun, there was a misplaced newspaper. The prop master left out tomorrow’s paper for me during the first act and I started reading it while I was drinking my coffee and having a bagel and then whatallthefuckalltohell! there was a blurb about my tragic death and I nearly choked right then on my bagel.

“Killed by a meteorite!” I exclaimed and then started looking for my keys.
I find the book! The play! This play! I step back out into the aisle and over the pile of books and DownStage toward the footlights and I read out loud . . .

“JAMAL (Moves DS and reads out loud): Suddenly there is a rumbling …”

But then suddenly there is a rumbling. Then the lights go all bright orange and as I look up toward the balconies, I can see it there, out over the audience, descending fast toward me on a cable, like the chandelier in Phantom of the Opera: a giant Styrofoam and paper mache meteorite! Barreling down toward me at galactic speed!

I don’t even have time to leap out of the way. I only have time to look down at the play in my hands and I see that it says: THE END.
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Thursday, May 21, 2009

You Know WHO.

In the past month or so, we have been hearing a lot about the Swine Flu, and because of that we have been hearing a lot about the World Health Organization (WHO).

Well, I love reading headlines about the WHO because I start to think about the band the Who. So when the newspaper is all, “The WHO treats Swine Flu in Venezuela”, in my head it is all “The Who treats Swine Flu in Venezuela”.

So I get to watch this little music video in my head Peter Townshend and Roger Daltrey rushing around the world, inoculating children and cleaning their drinking water and al the kids are like, “Are you The Beatles?”

Anyway, that’s why I’m smiling when I read about pandemics.
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Wednesday, May 20, 2009

I Can't Enjoy Trees Without My Glock



So this is Senator Tom Coburn M.D.. This is the really-really-really dumb person who added the amendment to today’s credit card legislation that makes it okay for people to carry concealed weapons around in our national parks.

So wait.

Just wait.

When people start getting killed by hand guns at Yosemite, this is the man that you should write your letter to. His is the office to which the parents of dead children should go in order to ask why people were allowed to carry loaded, hidden guns around Yellowstone.

Why did we need this?

What could possibly have been the point of something so unforgivably stupid as this amendment?

Is this how the gun lobby and the NRA think that they should be having this fight? Is it because they can’t get a law repealed using sense orlogic or reason? That they have to have senseless assholes like Senator Coburn do this sort of thing?

When will we – as a nation – get over this irrational love of guns?

I’m not trying to repeal the Second Amendment or anything, but come the fuck on! Why do we need to carry a desert eagle around in a national park?

You know what makes me proud? I like that our President actually does think that these people “cling to their guns and religion”, I wish that that Obama was our President. But for now, I am proud of the fact that we have a guy in office who does believe that, even if he won’t ever say it out loud again.

And as for Senator Coburn, I believe that there is a special place in hell for people like him. I wish I could see the look on his face when his ass ends up there.

Here is an article about the whole thing.

Here is the letter that I just sent to his office:

Dear Senator,

I have never written a letter like this before, but after today I am simply compelled to.

Respectfully Sir, I think that you should be ashamed of yourself for the amendment that you attached today. It was opportunistic and it represented Washington politics at the absolute worst. It was a credit card bill designed to help people and you used it to advance your own personal political agenda.

I think it was disgraceful.

Respectfully,
James Bezerra


Notice I toned down my language. I think it means more that way, not that he will ever read it.

Here is the link to send an email to Senate Office.

I just can't get my head around what an awful thing this man did.
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Cancer Boy on the Lamb!

Holy shit! Those crazy religious people with the cancer kid, they went on the run!

Who could have seen this getting more ridiculous?

Apparently the mother and son ran off because the court ordered him to undergo chemo.

On CNN they were saying that the mother had told reporters that they were going to “starve” the cancer, but its okay, because she was still letting her son have vitamin water.

WTF?

Oh, and did I mention that the kid has a learning disability and can’t read? Yeah, that’s some good home-schooling.

The craziest part? These people aren’t crazy Mormons or Pentecostals. No!

They consider themselves to be Catholics, but with bunch of random American Indian stuff thrown in. The group they are affiliated with is called
The Nemenhah Band.

I bet the Pope totally loves the hell out of this whole Catholic/Indian thing, because the church has always been cool with people having their own ideas about religion.

And anyway, here is the story. if you want, like, facts and stuff.
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Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Lambert the Sheepish Lion

So you know how sometimes a big chunk of memory detaches itself from the sky and lands right on your head?

Well that just happened to me! I got hit by a big hunk of Lambert the Sheepish Lion. I loved this cartoon when I was a kid.

God bless the YouTube.



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Monday, May 18, 2009

New Short Story Published!!!

Hello everybody, I am pleased to tell you that I have a story up at this website: Spindlezine.com

It is a very fancy site devoted to all things New York-ish, so I am all kinds of happy about having a story there, being that I am a California boy.

This story is more in the realist vein than most of my writing, it was kind of an interesting departure for me.

Here is one of Violet's cool New York pictures, just for fun:

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How Was Your Weekend?

If you like to stay abreast of the latest Sri Lanka news (and I know you do) their 25 year long civil war ended over the weekend.

Read about it here.

So I'm not going to waste your time acting like I know the ins and outs of Sri Lankian politics, but I just thought it was worth pointing out that this has been going on for more than a quarter of a century and now, suddenly, it is just over, over the weekend. That’s crazy right? That wars just END that way?
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Get Your Stupid On!

These people are awful.

These people wanted to cure their kid's cancer with sweat-lodges, herbs, and crystal therapy.

Apparently there are some people who are screaming about the role of government and those damn “activist judges”.

You know what?

This is exactly what government is supposed to do. Some people are too stupid too live, but if they live here and pay taxes here, then it is still our job to look out for them, because they are our too-stupid-to-live people.

Do you hear that you crazy, sweat-lodge fuckers? We are going to make sure that you don’t kill your kid with stupid.

America, protecting Americans from themselves since 1776.
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Sunday, May 17, 2009

Some Notes on Things.

I am so tired. It has been a busy few days, but this week should slow down and I should be able to return to you, my blog. But for now, here are a few things to chew over:

Apparently the crazy conspiracy people are now saying that the Shroud of Turin . . .



. . . was a hoax perpetrated by Leonardo da Vinci. Calling Dan Brown! Get your dubious "talents" to work on this one.

Also, it would seem that Maxim has named Olivia Wilde as the hottest woman alive.



I still have a special place in my heart for her from back when she was on the OC. Yes, I did watch it. What?

Also, last night there were a bunch of early-twenties college kids hanging out in my apartment (friends of Violet's brother) and they totally thought that I was hilarious! See, the kids still love me.

I mean, yeah, they were high, but that shouldn’t matter, right?
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Thursday, May 14, 2009

Tony Shalhoub Likes Comford Food

Last night Violet and I went out to Claim Jumper for a celebratory dinner (yesterday I finished the semester, which means I have finished my first year of real college and two years since I decided to do this school thing, but that’s not the points, as you can see from the fact it is here within the parenthesis) and while we were sitting there eating our stuff and waiting for some exquisite white-chocolate raspberry cream cheese pie, Tony Shalhoub goes walking on by. Tony Shalhoub of Monk fame! How cool is that?



I was all, “Hey Tony Shalhoub!”

And he was all, “What?”

And I was all, “I know most people would go straight to Monk, or Wings, but I liked you in The Siege.”

And then he was all, “Yeah? I really worked hard on that movie.”

And I was all, “Yeah.”

And then he bought our dinner for us!!!

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Um …

Okay, so not all of that is true.

We did see Tony Shalhoub at the Claim Jumper, but nothing after that happened. In fact, as he walked by and we made eye contact I did a solid, downward nod, the kind that men give each other as a sign of respect, but he – I think – had already stopped looking at me by then.
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Wednesday, May 13, 2009

What Kind of Day Has It Been

6.00 am – Alarm goes off
6.45 am – Actually get out of bed
8.30 am – Clock in at work
WORK
WORK
WORK
WORK
WORK
1.00 pm – Leave work, drive to school
2.00 pm – Write blog entry about how I should be studying
2.30 pm – Start studying
STUDY
STUDY
STUDY
5.30 pm – Study with impromptu study group
STUDY
STUDY
STUDY
8.00 pm - Take test
TEST
TEST
9.30 pm – Drive home
10.00 pm – Eat dinner with dearly missed girlfriend
11.30 pm – Girlfriend falls asleep on my lap
12.00 am – Get girlfriend off to bed
12.15 am – Work of revision for story for class
1.30 am – Write paper about revision
2.30 am – Write end-of-semester “reflection” paper for class
3.30 am – Type this list
3.45 am – Take nice, relaxing shower, crawl into bed
4.00 am – Suddenly sit up in bed and remember to set alarm
6.00 am – Wake up
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Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Eat a Bald Eagle why don't you?

So I am supposed to be studying for my big final. I take it tonight at 8pm. The class is Critical Theories of Literature. This class is to English students what Organic Chemistry is for my younger brother the chemistry major. This is the much-dreaded class that says, if you can’t do this, you do not belong here. It is the class that otherwise good English students end up taking two (or, I have heard, even three times).

It is basically the class that teaches you what every oh-so-important thinker has thought about the ways that we read, and how we determine meaning. It starts with the Greeks and moves right on along to the things that college professors were arguing about this morning.

It is, in short, a class about how cool academia thinks academia is.

That being said, it has been interesting. For instance, did you know that Queer Theory and Gay Studies are two totally different schools of thought? And that they are basically, diametrically opposed? Gay Studies says there have always been gay people and we can prove it with these texts! Queer Theory is more like, yeah there is totally some ambiguous sexual stuff going on in Billy Budd, but who the fuck knows what it is about?

Me? I’m just trying to get the grade and move on. When you really get into the English program, there are two types of people. There are the people who lean toward the theory side of things (these people seem to be Philosophy majors who switched to English. What? For the expanded employment potential?) and then there are the writers who are all like, “Why the hell do I have to take a theory class! I’m already totally an unrecognized genius!”

I am the latter, I guess.

Either way, we all have to learn what Jacques Lacan thought about The Purloined Letter.

Anyway, I guess my point, if ever there was one, is just that college is not HARD, not the way that real life is bone-crushingly, soul-killingly hard, but it can be difficult. And it is a different kind of stress. At work I get stressed because I deal with actual money that doesn’t belong to me and in that situation you are always one giant fuck-up away from getting fired. And people get fired for that stuff. In school, the stress isn’t as immediate, it is more ghostly. The train of thought is, “Oh god, if I fail Critical Theories of Literature then I won’t get into UCLA (everybody at CSUN wants to go to UCLA) and then I won’t be able to get a good teaching job and then I won’t get to stand in front of a class and act all smarty-pants and that is the only thing that will validate me as a person!”

Yeah.

I have a love/hate relationship with this whole culture of college. This grad student in one of my classes is constantly relating EVERYTHING back to Theory and I just want to scream at him, “NO ONE CARES WHAT HEGEL THINKS! NO ONE WILL EVER BE IMPRESSED THAT YOU CAN VOMIT UP GRAMSCI’S THEORY OF HEGEMONY!” I want to take him aside and be all like, “Look dude, you need to get away from school for a while. Go work on an oil drilling platform. Go get your heart broken. Go eat a bald eagle. Go do something else for the love of god.”

But I also understand that college is how you get your ticket punched.

And not for nothing, I realize that I’m being a bit of a hypocrite. After all, part of the reason I plan to go on to get an MFA is so that I can teach at the college level (though in my heart of hearts I still want to teach at community college, I think I owe that to myself, but we will see how that works out) and so I know that I can’t really have it both ways. Either I have to buy in to this academia thing or not and if I buy in I should probably stop bitching.

Thankfully, I still have a few years to straddle that one.

Anyway. I guess I have wasted enough time. I really do have to go study, because I have to pass this test, it is totally very super important, as I have explained.

I hope that as you read this you are lounging on a beach somewhere, sipping a fruity drink with a little umbrella in it and laughing at my problems. For the moment you can be my grounding. I’m counting on you to be all, “Oh, he is stressing out over a literature test. How cute.”
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Thursday, May 7, 2009

Vice President Quarantined!

The below is from the Borowitz Report. Funny!
(Thanks Dana for sending it to me)


April 30, 2009


Obama Orders Emergency Quarantine of Biden


Veep to be Kept in Sealed Box

Taking his most urgent action to date since cases of swine flu were first reported, President Barack Obama today ordered an emergency quarantine of Vice President Joe Biden.

Mr. Biden was in the middle of giving a wide-ranging television interview on swine flu preparedness when he was seized by representatives of the Department of Homeland Security and placed in quarantine.

"I'll tell you this, if I thought I might catch swine flu by going to work or a movie or the mall or something like that, I sure as heck wouldn't -" Mr. Biden was saying when he was abruptly yanked away from the microphone.

According to President Obama, the vice president will be kept in a sealed box away from television cameras and microphones "until we are certain that the danger is passed."

"There is no clear scientific proof that swine flu can be spread by television cameras or microphones," Mr. Obama said. "But it's better to be safe than sorry."
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Man on Fire because he was Watching Dirty Dancing

Man on Fire is on TV! I love this movie. It is the best kind of crap movie! And it is soooo mean. And Christopher Walken makes that speech … so cool.

This makes me feel better, because I had accidently been watching Dirty Dancing for like a half an hour.

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Proctological Gangs!!!



Violet just said that the checkers at Wal-Mart are all wearing latex gloves.

I said that they are all members of some weird Proctology gang, but Violet says that she thinks its is because of the Swine Flu.

I work with a woman who told me today that she thinks the whole Swine Flu thing is not actually happening and that The Government has contrived it in order to ... well, the woman I work with wasn’t sure why The Government engineered this whole thing, but she is certain that they did.

Me?

I don’t really care that much ... but I'm still staying away from Wal-Mart for a while, just in case.
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Kumbaya

I’m always genuinely surprised when people are nice, like, for no reason. I make a bit deal about how I privilege civility and I make a big deal about it because I watch the news too much and I tend to fixate on all of the awful, stupid, hateful things going on.

Today was the last session of my experimental narrative class. It actually a really good class, and useful, but it had a solid collection of people in it and everyone generally got along.

After we turned in our work today the instructor went and sat under a tree with a bunch of us and it was an enjoyable experience. I know it sounds a little Kumbaya, but it was actually pretty cool.

Anyway, that’s all.

I don’t think I have ever written a post that’s not a rant.

This feels very odd.
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