Wednesday, April 16, 2014

THE LEAST INTERESTING MAN ALIVE!



I’ve mentioned that I’m working on a minimizing project that involves going through old notebooks and such.

I just came across some funny notes. My friend Mike the Director had the idea once that we should make a few shorts parodying those “most interesting man alive” commercials. It was fun to come up with stuff for the idea. The idea was this:

THE LEAST INTERESTING MAN ALIVE!

I don’t always drink beer, but when I do …

… It’s because I like the twist-off caps.
… I’m usually alone … so alone.
… I drink lots of water after and wait several hours before driving.
… it’s usually at a barbeque or something. You know, if someone offers.
… I still go to bed early so that I can get a good night’s sleep.
… I tend to lash out at whomever is around me.
… honestly, I don’t really drink beer.



Remember that the commercials had voiceover that was unconnected to the visuals, so for visuals here, just imagine that he is intensely cleaning his stapler. On a saturday night.



HE IS (beat) THE LEAST INTERESTING MAN ALIVE:



- When he wakes in the mornings, his dreams don’t remember him ...
- His cat’s smugness is due to the fact it is actually superior, not just the fact that it is a cat …
- He doesn’t mind waiting for the cable guy. He wasn’t really doing anything anyway …
- If the Olympics created a stapler-cleaning event, he still wouldn’t be good enough at it to qualify …
- When he dances, people go out of their way not to notice …
- A noted astrophysicist once compared his personality to the the emptiness of space ...

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Tuesday, April 15, 2014

TMNT.




An awesome idea I just had for a cartoon show:
Teenage Mutant Ninja Tortoises!
They’re like the Ninja Turtles, except bigger and slower and less motivated. The still fight crime, but it just takes them a really, really long time to do it. They’re not so much ninjas, I guess, as they are more like Zen masters and they don’t really get flustered or excited about anything. In their downtime they eat pizza, but it is pretty much always cold because it takes them so long to get around to it. And instead of being named after renaissance artists they are named for different ages of geologic time.
I think this will be the quickly-canceled cartoon show in television history! But it will later find a cult following on Netflix.

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I'm a Fan of Shaun Tan.


I am very relieved tonight because I just turned in my term paper for my Picture Book Theory class. Yes, the paper was due pretty early, but I am happy to have it done. I had - what I think was - an interesting approach to the paper (I think I posted the abstract on here awhile ago), but the actual writing of the paper (you know, the work part) was actually rather challenging. I did a lot of my research last week, but I had a great deal of trouble finding my way into the paper when I sat down to write it. I feel like I have basically been in a bunker for the last four days because virtually all of my time was devoted to the paper. But now I am free of it!

None of that is terribly interesting, I know, but you know what is interesting? The work of Australian illustrator/author Shaun Tan. I did a - sort of - Deconstructionist analysis of one of his books in my paper. His work is absolutely strange and fascinating. You should go to your local library and check out literally anything that he has done. You won’t be disappointed.


Here are some pictures of his work, it is kind of amazing.






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Tuesday, April 8, 2014

Peach.


Any writer worth your time needs to be at least a little bit of a hedonist, if only so that he can describe fruit well.


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#45placesIhavepeed


As part of my ongoing “minimizing all the shit I own” project, I have been going through all these plastic tubs of notebooks I own and throwing out all the notebooks/notes that are really of no value to me as a writer.

I just came across some scrawled notes that I had completely forgotten about. They can only be an early idea for a blog post that I never got around to writing (because it is harder than it looks!), but here now I have completed (below) the post that I envisioned so many years ago! You’re welcome!

Here’s the idea: places I have peed!

This should totally be a thing! #45placesIhavepeed

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45 Places I Have Peed.

45 Places I Have Peed
by james bezerra



01. Lemoore, CA

02. Paris, France

03. Placerita Canyon State Park (~3,000 feet up, in the fog.)

04. Tuolumne Meadows, Yosemite, CA (In the meadow. Very early in the morning.)

05. 18402 Halsted Street #36, Northridge, CA 91325 (Very long bathroom.)

06. 23851 Arroyo Park Drive #409, Santa Clarita, CA 91355 (Poor lighting. Made out in the tub with a dark haired girl who doesn’t respond to my emails anymore.)

07. 3217 Johnson Ave, San Luis Obispo, CA 93401 (Bathroom just inside the front door. Lots of potpourri.)

08. West Beach Inn Santa Barbara, CA 93101 (We peed just outside of the RV we were sleeping in. Because sometimes peeing in the parking lot is just more fun.)

09. Manhattan (Peed all the hell all over the place! Without discretion.)

10. Harvard Square, 57 JFK Street, Cambridge, MA 02138 (Coffee shop behind a gift shop.)

11. PVD - Providence RI train station - 100 Gaspee Street, Providence, RI 02903 (Portas.)

12. Brown University Providence, RI 02912 (Fuck them.)

13. The Shelburne Museum (The greatest museum in the world!) 6000 Shelburne Rd, Shelburne, VT 05482

14. New London, CT (At a bar. I think. Was it a bar?)

15. Keeper’s: A Country Cafe Rt 106 & Bailey’s Mill Road, Reading VT 05062 (Hook instead of a sliding lock.)

16. 4100 Bar (The best bar in LA! Peeing here make you feel like Sinatra.)  4100 Sunset Blvd, Los Angeles, CA 90029

17. Catalina Italiana 346 Hanover Street Boston, MA 02113 (Candle light dinner kinda place/dim bathroom.)

18. The Block Island Express Terminal 2 Ferry Street, New London, CT 06320 (Worst quesadillas on the east coast! BAthroom isn’t much better.)

19. Deja Vu, Bakersfield, CA 1524 Golden State Ave, Bakersfield, CA 93301 (The bathrooms are regrettably well lit and they make you question your value as a human being/you count your available cash.)

20. LAX

21. BUR

22. BOS

23. LGA

24. JFK

25. SEA

26. LAS

27. SLC

28. LHR

29. CDG

30. LTN

31. The 1st & 3rd floors of Jerome Richfield Hall Northridge, CA 91325 (I don’t pee on the 
2nd floor.)

32. 829 East Kensington Road Los Angeles, CA 90026 (2nd floor Egyptian-themed tile.)

33. 25016 Walnut Street #10 Newhall, CA 91321 (Red plastic shower curtain. Somehow the best sex happens in poorest places.)

34. That one place in Brooklyn, just across the bridge from Manhattan that’s between a yogurt place and a pizza-by-the-slice place

35. Michael Jordan’s Steak House NYC 23 Vanderbilt Ave New York City, NY 10017 (Where we got hedge fund guys to buy us drinks by sending my brother’s underage girlfriend to ask for them.)

36. 25016 Walnut Street #22 Newhall CA, 91321 (Hardwood floors. Big master bedroom.)

37. 9826 Reagan Road #218 San Diego, CA 92126 (Two bed, two bath, or pee from the balcony to the pool.)

38. 10292 Camino Ruiz #5 San Diego, CA 92126 (Bathroom is through the bedroom. On the right,)

39. The San Diego Pet Memorial Park 8995 Crestmar Pt. San Diego, CA 92121 (Down the hill there’s a bathroom in amongst the ruins.)

40. Pear Lake CA, Latitude: 38.8918521   Longitude: -120.2568578 (Phoenix toilet.)

41. The Auction House (The best bar in the world!) 300 East 89th St, New York, NY 10128

42. Ben & Jerry’s Factory 1281 Waterbury-Stowe Rd, Waterbury, VT 05676 (Hippies. Standard bathrooms.)

43. Trinity Church Boston 206 Clarendon St, Boston, MA 02116 (Just kinda awesome. You should go there.)

44. Parson’s Landing, Catalina CA (One of my favorite places ever.) Latitude: 33-28'22'' N Longitude: 118-33'06'' W

45. Isabella Stewart Gardner Museum (One of the best museums that there is in the world.) 280 The Fenway Boston, MA 02115.






(This list was much more difficult to compile than I had ever expected! You try putting one together! If you do, I will post it.)


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Monday, April 7, 2014

Man is a Desiring Machine.


I am sitting here on hold with the state of California and I am going over some of my notes from last week’s Critical Theories of Literature class. The notes themselves are not terribly interesting unless you’re super into Psychoanalytic Criticism. However the bits scrawled in the margins are kind of fun (not all of the lecture is actually useful for studying later, but I like to keep ahold of the tangential bits that are interesting):

- A German saying I learned:
“Love is home-sickness”

- Something that Edgar Allan Poe apparently said:
“Man is a desiring machine.”

- Something my professor said:
“If I had had that experience than I would have an even stranger sense of myself that I do now …”

- You would not believe how much Freudian Psychoanalytic Criticism deals with the notion of castration (male children are afraid their fathers with castrate them, female children believe they have already been castrated, fear of castration is sublimated into the unconscious, “The Uncanny” is just the return in disguise of the repressed “Castration Complex”, etc. etc. etc.) and so in the margin of my notes I apparently wrote: Do I really need shorthand for Castration?! And below that are a few attempts at inventing shorthand symbols.


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