Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Shapes & Angles.

Shapes & Angles
by james bezerra

If I were a right angle
and you were a perfect cube,
then we wouldn’t have these problems.

But I’m a big obtuse angle
and you’re a perfect sphere,
which explains all the problems here.

But I’ll try to be more acute
and you just be a parallelogram of some sort
and we can give each other support
and maybe not have any more problems.


Fair & Balanced.

Fair & Balanced
by james bezerra

Who is running for President?
Michelle Bachmann?!
I’d rather have the Boogey Man.


Cheese, Cell Phones, Writing, Existential Crisis.

Now I understand that this is a blog, so everything I am about to say will be absolutely stupid given that context, but let’s face it, if you’re reading this blog at all it is probably just because you’re bored at work, so what do you care?

I was just considering whether or not I could somehow write a haiku about how quickly my cell phone battery dies and how I have to charge it all the time and does everybody have this problem? When it occurred to me – in a rare moment of clarity – that the reason there are no great lyric poems already dealing with this subject is because it is completely lame.

I know that my personal sensibilities bend toward the absurd, so I think that a poem about cell phone battery life sounds just peachy keen, but not everyone feels this way. That’s cool. But regardless of the exact nature of the bland subject matter, I have got to imagine that there have always been people mining bland subject matter for something, right? I mean, not every piece of writing can be about adjusting your understanding of the universe or exploring man’s relationship with god or what have you. Honestly, I feel that not every piece of writing should be.

I remember coming across a quote in high school, sadly I can’t remember who said it. The quote was: “History’s great philosophers have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese.”

I remember thinking that it was funny, but I guess it is also dead on; who wants to ponder cheese?

But you know what? I like cheese.

But lately I have started to fear that I spend too much time pondering the cheese. I try to tell myself that I’m a writer, so my job is to make the cheese interesting (is this cheese metaphor getting to be too much?).

I guess that what I am wrestling with is: what I should be doing with my time and with my writing? I have a novel that I have been working on for ages, but I am lucky if I actually work on it more than once a week. However I try to always be writing something at least every single day, hence the proliferation over the past year or so of my crappy poetry. I can tell myself, “Hey, at least I am generating something.” And not for nothing, but it is hard to generate content! If you write or if you have a blog then you already know this.

And that’s the interesting part, EVERYBODY has a blog. Or at least a Tumbler or a Twitter account. And so that makes me wonder – not just about me, but about all of us – are we all just pondering the cheese? I am guilty of it. The quick-fix satisfaction of dashing off a dozen shitty poems and then posting them on the internet is so much easier and instant than sitting down every day for five years and working on a massive, scary novel.

This is the part where I tend to forget that not everybody is me. So I ask you, am I the only one slacking off creatively? Or are we all doing it? Are you also working on a poem about your cell phone’s battery life instead of writing that novel you want to write? Are we all passing over the bigger, more important work and replacing it with quick-fix poetry and dressing it up like we are actually pondering the mundane-ity of existence? Is our whole culture doing this?

Anyone who lives in - or has ever visited – the greater Los Angeles area and gotten stuck in traffic on the 405 or the 101 has physically experienced the tragic result of this phenomenon. The freeway infrastructure of LA has been maxed out for more than two decades and it is because the people who were in charge never knuckled down to do the big, grand, important work. I imagine that there were entire offices filled with politicians and civil engineers and instead of working up solutions to impending problems, they just sat around exchanging poetry about cheese and cell phones. And is that all we really do now? I feel like that’s all that I have been doing.

All that being said, I am probably still going to write that poem about the life and times of my cell phone battery, but maybe I will also sit down and do some real writing. That is the plan anyway. Let’s see how it goes.

I want to apologize if this post is needlessly long and ramble-y, but one of the nice things about having a blog no one reads is that I get to use it to work out thoughts. It also means that I get to post whatever the hell I feel like, such as this photo of the ridiculously gorgeous Alison Sudol of Fine Frenzy fame.



by james bezerra

I wonder if childhood me
would have liked the new Transformers movie,
because adulthood me imagines it will be crap.

I think that maybe
a more interesting movie
would be
about how all the things boyhood me
loved, get transformed into crap.

You really expect me to pay fifteen bucks
for Transformers with no Megan Fox?!


Afghanistan Quicksand.

Afghanistan Quicksand
by james bezerra

What is it
about Afghanistan
that make everybody want to be in it
even though they have no plan
for how to run it?

It’s like an endless parade
of crap and sorrow: Soviets and Talibans
and Americans
all fighting over a nation with no shade!

If I were in the mood to invade,
I would find a place with more oil
and less prone to violent turmoil,
then I’d have it made!

Sure, sure, I know
America had no
choice but to go
and I agree we had to blow
the hell out of Osama’s hole.

But I just don’t understand
what about Afghanistan
makes it like quicksand
for every nation
that invades that land.
So let’s just all agree to stay away;
it’s just a bunch of rocks anyway.


Remember Charlie Sheen?

Remember Charlie Sheen?
by james bezerra

Hey remember back when
Charlie Sheen was on TV?
Way back when,
when he was on Two and a Half Men?
Remember how
he went all warlock crazy?
And, ironically, how now
he’s just unemployed and watching TV?



by james bezerra

Is it a sign of taste-immaturity
that I don’t consider a single vegetable
to be edible
because none tastes sugary?



by james bezerra

If at first you don’t succeed,
then it probably wasn’t meant to be.
And I bet that probably
there’s something easier at which to succeed,
so maybe try that instead.


Be So Bold.

Be So Bold
by james bezerra

If I may be so bold
as to suggest some alterations
to our world:
I would like all nations
to sign a treaty limiting
future wars to only baby-oil wrestling.

And I would much prefer
that the world’s 100 most attractive persons
be drafted, each as a baby-oil soldier.
I think this would make future confrontations
much less bloody
and significantly more sexy.


Fatherly Advice.

Fatherly Advice
by james bezerra

My oldest son Philip
spells his name ‘Fill-Up’
so I said, “Now son, listen up,
no one likes it when you spell Ryan
like ‘Rion’
or Adam like ‘Atom’.
People don’t like inventive
spelling; in fact it annoys them.
So don’t be creative,
don’t show initiative.
It doesn’t indicate charm,
and the ladies will not swarm.
In fact it makes ‘em
feel sorta sorry for you.
So just spell ‘Fill-Up’
like ‘Phillip’
and don’t ever try anything new.”


Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Scenes from a Skyjacking.

Scenes from a Skyjacking
by james bezerra

Scene 1: Have a plan.
The moment we seize
control, I am stopping this
terrible movie.

Scene 2: Don’t shoot the pilot.
Oh great! Now who is
going to fly this jumbo
jet to Mexico?

Scene 3: Make use of the hostages.
Ask the stewardess
if she knows how to lower
the front landing gear.

Scene 4: Have an exit strategy.
Mexico is a
non-extradition treaty
country … probably.


[insert Weiner pun HERE]

Like anyone who participated in student government in high school, I feel as though I am qualified to hold public office. But then something like the recent and ridiculous Congressman Weiner “scandal” happens and I think to myself, “Holy shit, if he had to resign over that then there is no way in hell I should ever run for anything. Period. Not even, like, President of my book group.”

Now that it is all over I took a minute to think about the whole thing and it just pissed me off. I’m not going to defend what the dude did; he was totally sleazy about the whole thing, through and through. But compared to some of the other things we have tolerated from our politicians, how is sending pictures of your own naughty bits even a blip on the radar screen of the bullshit we have had to swallow?

Also, I think that everybody is ignoring what a thoroughly modern scandal this is. In the back of my mind I have been thinking this whole time, “A Congressman got caught sexting? Really?! How cool is that!” It makes me want to start electing better looking Congress-persons.

And yeah, there is part of me that’s happy we had a politician who could even use the camera on his phone. I mean, does Rick Santorum seem like a guy who is smart enough to change the wallpaper on his phone? Do you think Mitt Romney actually knows the password to his Twitter? I bet Sarah Palin just sits on her tour bus looking at her laptop and saying, “The files are in the computer?”

Anyway, this whole damn thing is just ridiculous and we should all be ashamed of ourselves. And that’s all I have to say about that.

Oh, except … since I obviously will not be running for political office, you should all feel free to send me pictures of your naughty bits (unless you happen to be former Congressman Anthony Weiner, in which case, I have already seen it buddy).


Things Anthony Weiner Didn’t Do.

Things Anthony Weiner Didn’t Do
by james bezerra

Want to know
what irks me so
about this Anthony Weiner fiasco?

He didn’t:
break a law,
have sex with anyone,
launder money,
commit a felony,
lie before a jury.
Didn’t misappropriate campaign funds,
father illegitimate children,
try to sell a Senate seat.
Didn’t abandon the state where he was governor during a budget crisis and to fly Argentine to fuck someone other than his wife.
He didn’t screw the wife of his chief of staff and then try to get his parents to pay hush money.
He didn’t molest a page or
get arrested soliciting sex.
Didn’t get caught on a call girl’s resume.
Didn’t swap arms for hostages.
Didn’t mislead a nation into invading some other nation under completely false pretenses.
Didn’t authorize torture.
Didn’t do any of those things.

Sure, he acted like an idiot,
and his wife should divorce him for it,
but he was, by all accounts, a good Congressman
and there really aren’t many of them.



My Pandora is playing the theme song from Shaft right now.

That’s cool and everything, but just a little weird for a Tuesday, right?

Um, and now it has hopped over to “All I Need” off of Radiohead’s In Rainbows album.

I think my Pandora is having a nervous breakdown or something.

Is it weird how many blog entries I write about my Pandora? Does it make me like some crazy old lady who has a joint Facebook account with her cat?

You just gotta understand that I listen to it ALL DAY at work, so it is almost like having some companionship and after awhile it does kind of seem like it takes on a personality. Though, I guess, since that personality is one that you have programmed to mirror your own preferences, it is kind of like I spend all day with an externalized version of myself. I supposed that Freud would find something deeply troubling about this.


Just Don't.

Just Don’t
by james bezerra

One thing to never do
is take popcorn in with you
when you go see
that adult movie,
because eating popcorn
and watching porn
are not complimentary activates,
due to popcorn’s absorbent properties.


Why I Don’t Have a Twitter.

Why I Don’t Have a Twitter
by james bezerra

My cousin just asked me
why I don’t have a Twitter
and here is what I told her,
“You see, I agree
that it sounds quite fun to tweet,
but for my money you just can’t beat
having the ability
to use an extravagantly gargantuan word
when you want to show off your vocabulary!”
She called me a pretentious turd.



by james bezerra

Am I the only one who thinks that Mussolini
looks kinda like a garibaldi?


Poetics, or: How to be a Snobby Fancy-Pants Hypocrite

Poetics, or: How to be a Snobby Fancy-Pants Hypocrite
by james bezerra

My problem with writing crappy poetry
- as opposed to song singing -
is that when you sing songs you’re free
to pronounce words weirdly
so that they sound kinda rhyme-y.

Such mispronunciation-ing
is not allowed in poetry writing!
We here have standards of practice
about which we are very serious!
So don’t try that kind of fakeroo
or the poetry police will come for you.


On Limerick-Writing.

On Limerick-Writing
by james bezerra

In order to pass
a limerick-writing class
you would need to know
which line rhymes with which line below.
And that limericks can get a little crass.

So if you have the chance to use the word “ass”
Then don’t let that chance pass.
Another good word to use is “vibrato”.
It isn’t technically dirty, but does rhyme with “dildo”.
I hope you enjoyed this short limerick-writing class!


Don Ho on Vacation.

Don Ho on Vacation
by james bezerra

Where would Don Ho go
for a little vacation?
Probably New York.

What would Don Ho do
in the Big Apple? Maybe
see the Lion King?

What did Don Ho like
at the MET? The audio
tour, probably.

How did Don Ho like
the NYC winter? Well,
he just loved the snow!

What did Don Ho do
in the snow? He took a sled
into Central Park!

What else did Do Ho
do in December? Skating
skating at Rockefeller!

Was Don Ho sad to
leave the city? Yes very.
He cried in the cab.

But was Don Ho glad
to land in Honolulu?
So glad he danced!


What I Said to My Bookie.

What I Said to My Bookie
by james bezerra

I think that maybe
it would be better for me
if you did not shoot me in the knee.
You see,
I can get you the money
I just need you to be
a little more friendly
around all the parts of my body
that belong to me.


Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous.

Lifestyles of the Rich & Famous
By james bezerra

If Robin Leach came
to my place, he would surely
beat a quick retreat!


2/3 of all Dylan Lyrics Are Actually about Birds.

2/3 of all Dylan Lyrics Are Actually about Birds
By james bezerra

How many roads must a man walk down
before he decides to buy a car?

How many seas must a white dove sail
before being discharged from the Navy for being a bird?

How many times must the cannonballs fly
before we all realize they aren’t cannonballs, but white doves?



I wrote this last Friday but forgot to post it …

by james bezerra

If Thursday is named for Thor and
Wednesday for Wodan;
Monday for the moon
and Sunday for the Sun,
then Friday must be named for freedom,
which looms so near right now!

Or – and this would be okay too –
Friday may be named for French fries,
which I would like to have some of right now!


Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Left at the Alter. Sorta. ish.

For those of you who have not heard poor, poor Hugh Hefner was engaged to be married, but his 25-year-old fiancé backed out. Can you conceive of it!

Now I often have conflicted feelings about Mister Hefner, but I think we can all agree that he belongs on that list of iconic, once larger-than-life celebrities who should have done the decent thing and died of a drug overdose decades ago when they could have gone out with a little credibility and some of their cool. You secretly know of this list, you think about it every time you see Ringo Starr. It also has on it Mick Jagger, Ozzy Osborne, Elton John, Bob Dylan (yes folks, Bob Dylan), Ice Tea, Snoop Dogg and Steven Tyler, among others.*

Anyway, below is a poem I wrote for Mister Hefner. Please everyone send your thoughts and prayers his way during this dark time, I’m sure he is just heartbroken.

*A notable exception to this list – and one of the only people to truly transcend it – is Keith Richards. At this point I think we are all so fascinated by the fact he hasn’t died yet that we just want to see how far he can go with this whole somehow-still-being-alive thing. Remember that time a couple years ago when he fell out of a palm tree or something and the entire world went, “Keith Richards, you’re 150 years old, what the hell are you doing climbing palm trees?!” Man, that guy is awesome.


Oh Poor Hef!

Oh Poor Hef!
by james bezerra

Oh poor Hef!
How did it get this way?
Abandoned by your fiance!
Sad face emoticon for you!
Whatever shall you do?
So sensitive, we know you to be!
And we know you take your relationships so seriously …
How will your heart ever


Pandora Algorithms Named.

I often wonder if the algorithms that power my Pandora have names. Sometimes I like to try to make up their names myself.

This one right now is probably called, “Relatively Obscure Early 2000’s Bands Fronted by Strong Female Vocalists, Obviously Owing to Blondie and The Pretenders.” : The Faders followed by Morningwood followed by The Sounds.

This was one from earlier today: “I Bet When that One Song of Yours Was On The Radio All The Goddamn Time You Never Guessed That You Would Never Get Another Song On the Radio” : The Presidents of the United States of America followed by Fastball followed by Vertical Horizon.
(The editors here at Standardkink would like to ask: Hey! Remember Vertical Horizon? Wow, that was a long time ago, huh? And wow, yeah, they were just kinda a Dishwalla rip-off anyway … Hey! Remember Dishwalla? Wow, that was a long time ago, huh? Man, that “Counting Blue Cars” song was pretty cool, right? Too bad the rest of that album sucked. Do you think they’re still together? Dude! We would TOTALLY go to a Dishwalla reunion concert!)

Here is one that my Pandora has been doing a lot lately: “While Many Dirty Hipsters Will Vehemently Disagree, It Is Possible That All of These Bands and All of These Songs Are, In Reality, Just One Guy Singing The Same Song Over and Over Again“ : Bon Iver followed by Ray LaMontagne followed by Iron & Wine.

And this is one of my recent favorites: “Listening To All of This Will Probably Make You Feel So Cool That It Is A Little Bit Dangerous” : Handsome Boy Modeling School followed by The Black Keys followed by The Mountain Goats (this was a pretty odd combination and I was very proud of my Pandora for coming up with it).



by james bezerra

Even when you find
your heart is a desert,
rest assured, life can find
a way to flourish in it.

It doesn’t ask you permission,
you’d never approve anyway,
but life – like love – has determination
and always finds a way.

A cactus can live
by saving water in the good times.
So too, good memories can give
you strength to brave the dry times.

So even when you find
your heart is a desert,
rest assured that love can survive it
if it is love of a surviving kind.


Dear Newt

Dear Newt
by james bezerra

Maybe your campaign
staff abandoned you because
you are such a creep!

Seriously man,
you are just never gonna
be the President!


A Short Play!

Some of you may know that I have a background as a playwright and that from time to time I like to dash off short plays for fun. Well, here is a short play re-imagining a conversation/lame publicity stunt which recently took place between Sarah Palin and Donald Trump.

Scenes From an Italian Restaurant
a short play
by james bezerra

ACT I SCENE I A man and a woman and the man’s disastrously bad “hair” sit at a table in a pizzeria. The woman is former Alaska Governor and current media-whore Sarah Palin. The man is former and current and perpetual media-whore Donald Trump. The hair is of an unknown composition. The three quietly eat their pizza slices.

TRUMP: Hey Sarah, remember when we were politically relevant?
PALIN: I don’t know what that word means.




Awkward Espionage!

Awkward Espionage!
by james bezerra

How strange would it be
if you were a spy, secretly,
and while on
some top secret mission
you bumped into me
because I am also a spy, secretly!

How awkward it would be
when suddenly you see me
across a crowded café in Riyadh
or a dimly-lit brothel in Madrid?
I give you the secret document
and we agree to just never talk about it
at the next AA meeting.


Colorful Animal Eccentricities!

** The editors here at Standardkink felt the need to issue a special apology for the next poem, as it is really quite ridiculous. We are very sorry. **

Colorful Animal Eccentricities!
by james bezerra

You know what I would like to see?
A purple chimpanzee
that can water ski!
Or an orange platypus
that can drive a school bus!
Or a pink rhinoceroses
whose nose grows
the angrier it grows!
I would also like to see
a lilac-colored lion of the sea
which could win a spelling bee
while also getting everyone to agree
on a new Israeli
foreign policy!
I’m a fan of colorful
animals that are full
of eccentricity!


Fascinating New Words & Phrases!

Since I have been becoming interested in this whole outdoors-y, backpacking/camping/hiking thing, I have been doing what any descent English major would do, I have been reading about it obsessively. I figure that this is just exactly like that movie “The Edge” with Anthony Hopkins, skinny Alec Baldwin and the always delightful Elle Macpherson, where Anthony Hopkins has like never been outside before but knows how to survive in the forest after a plane crash because he has read every book in the known universe. Man, Anthony Hopkins is a badass.

Anyway, I have been trying to learn as much as I can about this stuff and in the process of doing that I have come across a lot of new words and phrases that are a lot of fun. Below are a few of my favorites, along with the best definitions I have been able to cobble together. Something that is very interesting about these words and phrases is that since there is no Oxford English Dictionary of Being Outside (though somebody should get to work on that STAT!), the definitions themselves tend to vary a lot depending on who you talk to or what website you read. I have even seen message boards where people get a little nasty while splitting hairs about what exactly constitutes “fastpacking”. Seriously, there are people who are not messing around about this stuff.

I even read an unintentionally hilariously and totally not-ironic blog post some dude wrote about how the difference between Super Ultra Light backpacking and regular backpacking had nothing to do with the weight you carry but rather about your mental strength and determination and how most people don’t “have a strong enough will” to be Super Ultra Light backpackers and so the reason more people don’t do it is because they are “mentally weak.” Man, that guy was a douche bag!

Anywhoo, here are the words and phrases:

Ultra Light: This is basically just regular backpacking, but with at a much lighter overall load on your back. They say the average hiker has about 30 lbs of stuff with them for a two or three day trip. Ultra Light hikers carry significantly less. The general consensus seems to be that an Ultra Light backpacker carries 10 lbs or less.

Super Ultra Light: This is the same as Ultra Light backpacking only the person is carrying 5 lbs or less (again, there are no rules, but 5lbs seems to be the general consensus).

Base Pack Weight: This one is fun. This is how much all of your stuff weighs but NOT including “consumables” which is stuff like food and water and any fuel for your stove or whatever. The reason that they use this measurement is because the weight of your “consumables” will vary depending on the length or your trip, but the weight of your stuff doesn’t change, so this is a good way to figure out how heavy or light you are. However be forewarned! Some people will tell you this is their weight but not tell you they are talking about Base Pack Weight, which means they are trying to trick you! For instance, when somebody like the douche bag mentioned above says, “Yeah, I did the Continental Divide Trail with a 4 pound pack because I have a strong will and vote Republican.” Well he is talking about his Base Pack Weight. If the dude took 60 pounds of Oreo cookies with him, he gets to leave that out when he tells you how Super Ultra Light he is.

The Ray Way: Okay, so there is a guy named Ray Jardine who wrote a book about how to backpack really light (ironically the book is 500 pages long and weighs a pound). A lot of people credit him with creating - or at least raising the profile of – “Ultra Light backpacking” and he has a cultish following, though he seems to be just a pretty cool guy. But a lot of people talk about “Ray” or “The Ray Way” when talking about backpacking and I personally find it a little bit creepy. Like most things though, it is the proselytizing, die-hard adherents who are creepy, not the man or the ideas themselves. This is his website (Just a warning, dude loves him some garish colors! Yeah he does!)

Trailrunning: This is exactly what it sounds like, which is “running on hiking trails”. Instead of taking a nice hike up the side of a hill and saying, “Look at all the beautiful plants and butterflies, hooray!” you RUN up the side of that hill saying, “Screw you hill! I laugh at your thousand foot elevation gain!” I am ashamed to admit it, but I think that trailrunning sounds pretty badass (though not as badass as Sir Anthony Hopkins) and I am trying to get into good enough shape to try it. My fitness regiment currently involves carrying 60 pounds of Oreo cookies around with me at all times.

Fastpacking: Okay, so if you take Ultra Light backpacking and smash that into Trailrunning, you will end up with Fastpacking. Like I said before, people seem to love to fight about this for some reason. There seems to be a The-Jets-vs.-The-Sharks kind of arguments between Ultra Light backpackers and hard-core joggers about exactly who came up with Fastpacking, but after awhile you just scream at your computer, “Who the fuck cares!” Anyway, as near as I can tell this is when you take only the most basic camping stuff with you and you jog trails all day, make camp for the night, wake up and jog all day again and then make camp someplace else. Do this for a few days and – I think – you are Fastpacking! Congratulations?


Pipe Pocket

Pipe Pocket
by james bezerra

Did you know that General Patton
possessed a patent
on a unique pattern of pants?

It is positively true!

They were periwinkle blue
and had a pipe pocket
precisely where Patton
preferred to put his pipe!


At Sea World.

At Sea World
by james bezerra

We were watching the whale show
and wouldn’t you know,
some jerk behind me would start clapping
every single time the trainers were offering
a dead fish to the whales.

I turned around, planning to say,
“Buddy, you’re ruining my day!”
But that’s when I saw that
the offending applauder
was in fact only a hungry otter.


Strange, but True Internet Facts!*

Did you know!
That the girl who dumped the founder of Google back in high school
does not come up on Google when you google her!

Did you know!
That David Fincher’s personal Facebook account
has been “accidently erased” due to a “technical glitch” seventeen times since the movie was released!

Did you know!
That the reason it took so long to get the Beatles on iTunes was because decades ago Steve Jobs promised Paul McCartney that Apple would never get into the music business!

Did you know!
When DARPA began linking computers on a network, thereby creating the first Internet,
they did it so that programmers could more easily share their porn!

*The editors here at Standardkink would like to make it clear that when we use the word “True” what we actually mean is, “possibly true, because who’s to say what truth is, really?” and when we use the word “facts” what we actually means is, “possibly facts, because who can really ever be sure about these things, you know?”


My New Toupee.

My New Toupee
by james bezerra

Now it is June,
but back in May
I bought a cut-rate toupee
from a guy on Ebay.

It should arrive soon
and when it does I just may
wear it every single day,
in a totally non-ironic way.

See, my head is much like a moon
because all my hair went away.
I would’ve much preferred it go gray
if only that had meant it would stay.


Like a Religion, Like a Language.

Like a Religion, Like a Language
By james bezerra

In the lexicon
of dorkdom
means “sanctum”
and “Ramadan”
is the time between each Comicon.

So San Diego
is like Mecca and
eventually they all go
to that promised land
on a pilgrimage
where they all speak the secret language
of that dorkdom.


No Saint-Tropez.

No Saint-Tropez
By james bezerra

I would like to go to Saint-Tropez
but I can’t afford to pay
for the plane ticket.
So instead of a beach vacation
I will just stay
and have a little staycation
and perhaps some later day
I will be able to pay
for a plane ticket
to Saint-Tropez.



by james bezerra

Do you know who almost played
the role of Khan
in Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan?
That’s right, James Caan!
But instead it went to Ricardo Montalbán!


Sloppy Rhymes about Harry.

Sloppy Rhymes about Harry
by james bezerra

Harry has a kind of OCD
so compelling that he
often doesn’t feel free.

See, Harry has a condition
that compels him
to break into prison.
You can probably imagine
the problems this has caused him.


The Trials of the Other Tom Petty.

The Trials of the Other Tom Petty
by james bezerra

My fiancé is quite lovely,
but really loves Tom Petty
and I’m not sure it’s healthy.

She talks about him
like she knows him.
She also sends dirty pictures to him.

But there’s more;
She calls herself, “a Tom petty whore.”
Sometimes I want to shove her out the door.

this bothers me
since soon we will marry
and I fear she only loves me
because my name is also Tom Petty.


Tuesday, June 7, 2011



Quaint Old Timey Torture.

Quaint Old Timey Torture
by james bezerra

In the olden days,
they had their ways
of getting you to talk.
They’d put you in a maze
and slowly fill it full with mayonnaise;
making it very hard for you to walk.

It wasn’t really torture,
but annoying to be sure.
Also, it wasn’t very secure,
most people just made a mayonnaise ladder
to scale the walls of the enclosure
and away they would quickly venture.


Bus Stop.

Bus Stop
by james bezerra

Waiting for the bus
is the best part of my day;
since I’m so lonely.

The bus stop is full
of people who recognize
me from yesterday.

We’re a family
at the bus stop and I like
that they accept me.

I lead a sad life.
We all do, at the bus stop.
It’s our quiet bond.


Shameless Filler.

So I spent quite a lot of today writing a short story about John Lithgow. I have wanted to write a short story about John Lithgow for years, but only figured it out today. I will clean it up and post it soon.

For the time being, please enjoy these random pictures which I have collected to post on this blog but never found an excuse to use.

** The top one is the wallpaper on my laptop right now : ) **


Parallel Universe Weather.

Parallel Universe Weather
by james bezerra

Gish Patel was a web designer living in Palo Alto. The world that he lives in is exactly the same as the world that we live in except for one curious difference. In the world in which Gish lives everyone in American has been given an extensive meteorological education, which means that TV weathermen do not exist. When it is time for the weather report, the local news just puts up the raw weather and radar data, allowing viewers to draw their own conclusions as to what the forecast will be. But in every other way the world Gish lives in is just like ours.


Sepia Sister.

Sepia Sister
by james bezerra

At the Old West amusement park, I took a sepia picture with my sister.
We were both in costume.
Me in a cowboy hat.
Her is a bar maid’s dress. Too low-cut to be comfortable for me to be around.
Only she wouldn’t put her phone away.
So the photo now in my parents’ den is rather anachronistic.