Sunday, February 27, 2011


by james bezerra

It is strange to see
that democracy
is spreading all across my TV
in lands by the desert and lands by the sea

While concurrently,
and also on my TV,
I see
the former Defense Secretary,
good old Rummy.

He is out whoring for his new book.
His glance is still steely,
but in his look
I see a new arrogance; almost celebratory.

Because, you see,
he seems to believe that he -
and W. and Rice and Cheney -
were right about democracy
and people who live by deserts
and people who live by the sea.
As if the fact that people want to be free
was a secret and only he’d had the key.
As if – through protests in Cairo and riots in Tripoli –
he’s finally getting his just desserts.

As if all those bombs we dropped
were loaded full of liberty
and we just never hit the right Iraqi.
As if all our American supremacy
and psychic energy
had radiated out and never stopped.

As if democracy
was time-released
on the Middle East.
And while Iraq may have proved a quagmire,
there is certainly much to admire
in the streets of Cairo and on the shores of Tripoli.

It seems that Rummy
doesn’t seem to see
that Facebook fomented more revolutionary
fervor than did the American military.
He seems to think it might
be possible that by taking the fight
to Bagdad, we somehow got our righteous might
spattered all over every country in the arid Middle E.

I look at old Rummy -
his hair is still perfect and gray -
as he says on TV
that nothing can get in the way
of democracy.

Even – I want to say -
the dictators to whom we give money?
Or our tear gas they spray
at their own citizenry?
It seems like maybe we have been in the way.

But Rummy,
he doesn’t reply to me,
he just smiles implacably
and hocks his book
and there in his look
I can see
the self-satisfied glee
as he congratulates himself for the bravery
that it took
to spread liberty
and Democracy –
with its big shimmering D -
to every cranny and nook
of the backward Middle E.



by james bezerra

Matt Damon’s career
is something to cheer.
He deserves an awesomeness Oscar.

Ben Affleck’s career
is something to fear.
Though he’s becoming quite a good director.


Taste Tourism.

Taste Tourism
by james bezerra

Did you know that the U.S. Mint
actually tastes like mint?
Most people never think to lick it,
because we don’t generally think of buildings
as being flavored things.

I guarantee you’ll stand with your mouth agape
when you taste the sweet grape
that flavors the Library of Congress.
After that, swing by the Air and Space Museum,
you’ll swear it’s made of a giant persimmon.

The structure which houses the Utah State Assembly
is said to taste of fresh-picked strawberry.
And just across town,
the grand Mormon Temple
is said to have a hint of sour apple.

Few know that the Statue of Liberty
is actually quite salty,
because almost no guidebook
tells of the splendid taste adventure
that is America’s architecture.


Remember Your Constituency.

Remember Your Constituency
by james bezerra

The Governor of Wisconsin
is trying to squash the union,
because he’s a Republican
and hates anything that isn’t makin’
money for his reelection.


Hobo Snow Soul.

Hobo Snow Soul
by james bezerra

If you were a hobo,
surely you would know
the simple joy
of watching it snow
outside the door of your boxcar.

And though
in your heart there would grow
the warmth of beauty and freedom,
out of your body would flow
all of the warmth that kept you alive.

So if you were a hobo
then surely you would know
the warmth of beauty and freedom,
but out of your body your soul would go,
leaving you frozen inside your boxcar


The Paranoid Inventor.

The Paranoid Inventor
by james bezerra

I’ve designed a better umbrella
with built-in knife to stab any fella
who tries to take it
or steal my patent
and make millions off a replica!


Pretentiously Obscure (and Stupid) Literary Rhymes about Sweets and Snacks.

Pretentiously Obscure (and Stupid) Literary Rhymes about Sweets and Snacks
by james bezerra

If Tristram Shandy
offered me some candy,
I would take all of it which had nougat!

If I had to go to the Congo,
I’d like to go with Marlow,
because he always has chocolate!

If Captain Ahab made kettle corn
on our trip ‘round Africa’s horn,
I would probably eat all of it!

If Natty Bumppo
fried up a sugary churro
and didn’t give me some, I’d pitch a nasty fit!

If I saw a warm bear claw
that was also craved by Dracula,
I would totally risk gettin’ bit!

If young Dorian Gray
stole my Milkyway
I’d tell him where he could shove it!

If Mrs. Dinsmore
had only one more s’more,
I would suggest a 50/50 split!

If Billy Pilgrim made a stop
to give me a lollipop,
I would totally lick it!

But if the Marquis de Sade thought
I’d take his free cream-filled donut,
He would suffer quite the disappointment!



by james bezerra

If I ran a movie studio
I would make a children’s movie
about a crime-fighting avocado.
It would be in 3-D
and avocado would be named Bernardo
and he would have a learning disability,
so kids could see how far they can go
even if our society
tells them they are ‘slow’.


My Phone Knows What I Like.

So I finally broke down and joined the rest of the civilized world and got a smart phone. It hasn’t changed my life yet.

Though I do feel marginally cooler.

And apparently I can subscribe to the Playboy Channel on this thing. So there’s that.


Because I am Endlessly Entertained by Myself:

Here is an email that I recently sent to a friend of mine:

So I don’t know if you heard, but there was another Somali pirate episode this past few days. It is not funny at all and is actually quite tragic, but you can google it for yourself. My question is: when did pirates become so violent and awful?

The history of pirates is obviously a long and proud one. Used to be that it was perfectly respected profession. Young boys and girls would grow up and dream of wearing some nice striped pants and owning a parrot. Used to be – I have read journal articles about this – that pirate-ing was the most singingest profession, so happy were they to sail on the seven seas and visit foreign lamds, that they would all just sing uncontrollably all the time. Such joy! This was the basis for the musical “The Pirates of Penzance”. True story.

But oh, what hard times have befallen the proud profession of piracy! When any riff raff with a boat can set out on the ocean and loot and pillage innocent fellow sailors. What a blight! It is said that the Somoli pirates don’t even sing sea shanties, aren’t even vaguely familiar with “The Pirates of Penzance” and have never even heard of the Pirates of the Caribbean ride at Disneyland (oddly, every single one of them interviewed in a recent Christian Science Monitor article was familiar with Johnny Depp, but only becaue they thought that he placed the character Beetlejuice in the Tim Burton film “Beetlejuice”. The reporter’s assistant who corrected them, telling them that it was actually Michael Keaton, was promptly executed).

That is really all that I have to say on this topic. So tragic a thing what has become of the pirate heritage. For shame, truly.



Girl Scouts of America?

I was just at the grocery store and there were some girl scouts out front slinging their cookies. I noticed that there were a couple of them wearing hoodies and pants from the Victoria’s Secret ‘Pink’ collection.

I don’t have anything that I want to say about this (even I am smart enough to know when to shut my mouth), but I just wanted to mention it.

Talk amongst yourselves.


As a boy, Robot Jim was one of my favorites …


Monday, February 7, 2011

Please Send Good Vibes.

Please everybody keep lovely Annette and handsome Lance in your thoughts and/or prayers. They both survived a terrible accident.

(If you don’t know them, they’re the best kind of people and very dear to me.)


Emerald Antarctica.

Did you know that Antarctica used to be a forest?

Oh … you did?

Well did you know that is used to be covered in trees?!

Oh … you did?

Well, did you know that it used to be overrun with dinosaurs that could fricken’ SEE IN THE DARK!

Yeah, that’s right.

All kidding aside, please read this article, it is very interesting: Secrets of Antarctica's fossilised forests


Postsecret, still the best site on the whole internet.


Wednesday, February 2, 2011

New Poems!

That’s right! The fear is real!
I have been at work on new poetry!
Read on if you dare!

*** The editors here at StandardKink are not liable for any self-eye-gouging-out or voluntary lobotomies that might result from actually reading the following poems. ***


Mt. Everest.

Mt. Everest
by james bezerra

I was told once to take
a long walk off
a short pier.
But that was a trick!
Instead I took a short stroll up
a long beach.

Once I was told to
go fly a kite.
But I didn’t have a kite, so instead
I just took another beach stroll.

On the beach I
met a girl who was all wet
and flying a kite.
I said to her,
“Don’t be so literal!”

And she replied,
“I learn from experience.”

And I said,
“We have intellect so we can
avoid some experiences.”

And then she said,
“That is exactly why
you will never find an intellectual
at the top of a mountain.”

And so I said,
“I have watched many a
about Mount Everest!”

And then she said,
“You know that’s not
the same thing,

And so I said to her,
“Go fly a …
Go take a long …”

And then she said
and just flew her kite,
a smile on her face,
and let the sun warm and dry her.


This Haiku . . .

This Haiku is Dedicated to Miss Ashley Greene, Who is Apparently an Actress or Celebrity or Reality Television Star or Something or Other.
by james bezerra

Dear Miss Ashley Greene
I don’t know who you are, but
you’re very pretty.


Totally Predictable Western Insensitivity.

Totally Predictable Western Insensitivity
by james bezerra

Egypt in Chaos!!!
Um – but the pyramids are
still all okay, right?


A Universal Internet Experience .

A Universal Internet Experience
by james bezerra

Dear questionable-looking dating site advertisement on
The side of my computer screen,
I do not trust you.
I do not trust that those girls live in my town,
which you have specifically identified by name.

Dear questionable-looking dating site advertisement on
the side of my computer screen,
I am not comfortable that you can specifically identify my town by name.

Dear questionable-looking dating site advertisement on
the side of my computer screen,
I will admit
that you have peaked my
If I click you,
do you promise not to give
my computer
a virus?

Dear questionable-looking dating site advertisement on
the side of my computer screen,
you now owe me
one hundred and twenty-five
The cost of having your
virus removed.


Keith Richards, DDS

Keith Richards, DDS
by james bezerra

What if rock stars were
also dentists? I think I’d
have more cavities.


It Has Been a Little While.

Oh dear blog,

I have missed you! I am so sorry that I have been away. It has been a trying month. In fact, ever since the new year I have felt drained both physically and emotionally. Work has been busier and more difficult than normal and February is looking to be worse.

But don’t cry for me dear blog, I shall endure.

And it hasn’t been all terror and tears. No!

In fact, I recently spent a day running around LA with my friend Mike The Director. We went LACMA (the Los Angeles County Museum of Art) which is a strange and beautiful place. I had never been before and it was fascinating. It is a sprawling complex of museums and I asked if they would let me move in and live there (They said no).

One of the very interesting (and most tourist-friendly) instillations is right out on the street. Called “Urban Light” it is a forest of restored lamp posts all arranged in rows. This camera phone photo doesn’t do it justice at all.

Also – as you will see below in these rare photos of your humble author – there is a variety of art for you brain to chew on.
If I had more energy, I would tell you more, but alas, I am tired. I miss you dear blog and I promise that I will not stay away so long again.

Your humble author contemplating Richard Serra’s entirely black canvas “L.A. Hinge”.

Again, pondering Peter Halley’s “Weekend” which also happens to be an entirely black canvas. Hooray for art?

P.S. Yes, I am that bald. Deal with it, I have.