Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Some Tips on Running.

I have some hard-won tips for you should you ever choose to take up running. These are things that I wish someone had told me:

First, it’s true that it does make you feel good, but only after you start to push through how bad it makes you feel at first, and then after feeling kinda good, it makes you feel awful again. It is like dating a really hot bipolar girl (only far less sexy).

Second, if you suspect that you are old, be forewarned! It will make you feel old (never before in my life have I ever complained about my “aching joints”. It’s like I’m suddenly somebody’s Appalachian grandfather, “Gonna be weather later, my bum knee is a’achin’ a bit”).

Third, if you’re like me and don’t think about shoes much, you might want to start. I have been running in a pair of those creepy neoprene alien shoes that have separate toes and, just to try it, I went running the other day in a pair of cheap cross-trainers that I use for hiking, IT WAS AWFUL! Maybe one day I will invest in a really good pair of running shoes, but probably not until they lower the cost of really good running shoes to five bucks and a smack on the ass.

Forth, (THIS ONE IS VERY IMPORTANT) if you’re too lazy to learn how to properly ice/heat your muscles after running and just decide to buy some Icy Hot (as I did) and if you happen to be completely unfamiliar with Icy Hot, then DO NOT CONTINUE APPLYING IT UNTIL IT STARTS TO TINGLE! There is a delay between when you put it on and when it starts to work! I am not ashamed to admit it, but I cried a little.

Fifth, do not write endlessly about running on your blog, all four of your readers just get annoyed as all hell. Unless you have some amusing and/or embarrassing stories about how you nearly killed yourself with Icy Hot.

And finally, here is a lame haiku about it:

Icy Hot is great
if you know how to use it,
but not if you don’t

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