News stories which would be great if only they were true: Irish economy calmed by announcement that government will dip into Strategic Pot-of-Gold Reserve (SPGR).
Irish government hopes to attract more foreign tourists with new Pot-of-Gold Give-Away Promotion. Irish Tourism Bureau spokesman says, “We are placing one at the end of every rainbow, and each one is guarded by an Irish Marine.”
Foreign Tourists in Ireland declare, “Irish Tourism Bureau is full of crap. These pots of gold are really hard to find.”
New study finds that Tunisian and Egyptian senses of superiority dangerously on the rise as Libyan uprising devolves into civil war.
Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad cautions the population of Iran, “Don’t even think about it.”
Uprising in Tunisia forces Americans to briefly pretend to care about Tunisia.
Libyan refugees flooding into Ireland, scouring countryside searching for pots of gold. Irish Marine regiment reportedly overrun. Said one marine, “They are twice as tall as us!”
The International Association of Globe and Map Makers (IAGMM) formally requested that Tunisia and Egypt remain their counties. Said an unnamed IAGMM source, “We could really use the extra money.”
International community shocked – shocked! - to learn of decades of human rights abuses committed under Libya’s Gaddafi regime. Said one United Nations spokesperson, “Now that it will be only a hollow symbolic gesture, we will begin investigating.”
White House announced on Friday a new American policy toward Libya called “The Maturity Doctrine.” Said the President, “Why don’t we all just calm the hell down, okay?”
Republican House leadership proposes alternative Libyan policy called the “Let’s-Indiscriminately-Start-Handing-Out-Guns-and-Money-to-Pissed-Off-Third-World-Populations-because-That-Has-Never-Caused-a-Problem-for-Us-Before Doctrine.”
OPEC announces hike in oil prices due to cancelation of “Two and a Half Men”.
Charlie Sheen announces high rate of dissatisfaction with everyone and everything that is not Charlie Sheen.
American Society of Registered Warlocks (ASRW) releases a statement, “Charlie Sheen has not been paying his annual membership dues.”
Gas prices on the rise because OPEC knows Americans don’t distinguish between North Africa and the Middle East.
New study finds that people who only read Justin Bieber’s Twitter feed significantly better informed about world events than those who only read Sarah Palin’s Twitter feed.
Former Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin loses bid to appear on “Are You Smarter than a Fifth Grader”.
Pop star Justin Bieber tells reporters, “It is really disturbing the amount of time and energy that the press commits to covering my every word and hair style while so many important and historically relevant events are taking place around the world. It speaks to something fundamentally flawed and manic about the mass American consciousness and it needs to be addressed.”
Governor of Wisconsin unveils new plan to take rights from minorities, gays, children, puppies, unicorns.
New public school budget proposal by the Governor of Wisconsin strips funding for books, desks, food, heat, students. Said the Governor, “I pledge that within the next ten years the great state of Wisconsin will have the dumbest and most poorly educated students in all of the United States.”
Wisconsin teenagers respond to cuts in educational funding by releasing statement saying, “ :( “
The Council of American’s Tech Hipsters (CATH) has declared that the recently released iPad 2 is, “The most stunning human achievement since the first iPad” and that it is “better than curing Cancer would have been.”
American Cancer Society releases a statement saying, “We are pleased that the brightest and most talented minds in America are working for Apple and Google, as they have made it significantly faster and easier for Cancer patients all around the world to find funeral homes and discount caskets.”
Japanese earthquake/tsunami awakes slumbering giant lizard creature, which has gone on the rampage in Tokyo, destroying numerous buildings. The Japanese military has dispatched its giant Moth man creature to restore order.
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** The editors here at Standardkink have already donated to the Japan Tsumani Relief Fund or whatever the hell that email was that we got this morning, so calm down and recognize that the Godzilla joke was just too perfect to pass up **.
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