Showing posts with label cancer. Show all posts
Showing posts with label cancer. Show all posts

Thursday, February 14, 2019

An Entirely Subjective History of Los Angeles .




The best metaphor for understanding the way in which modern Los Angeles has grown is the metaphor of cancer.

If cancer is, at its simplest, just the rampant and uncontrollable division of mutated cells, then remember that Los Angeles, in its pre-mutation form, began more than a thousand years ago when the Tongva people gave it a name: Iyaanga. It means something along the lines of, “place of poison oak”. Some people who know about these things believe that the Tongva actually descended from tribes out of Nevada which migrated to the coast of southern California fifteen hundred years before the birth of Christ, or roughly the same time that Cecrops I was founding Athens. There is some evidence that the Tongva forced out a different prehistoric tribe which had been in the area for six thousand years before that, grinding grain at the base of the San Gabriel mountains while farming was only beginning to take place in the Nile River Valley. So who can really say where a cancer starts? Maybe it is always just a latent memory.

When the Spanish ships arrived in 1542, they were greeted by the Tongva’s ocean-going, twelve-man canoes. The sturdiness of those canoes was attributable to three thousand years of experiments in engineering and also to the thick black pitch from the La Brea Tar Pits, which today have a gift shop.

It was the Spanish who named the place El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles del Rio de Porciuncula, which means something like “The Town of Our Lady the Queen of Angels of the Porciuncula River”. By that name, of course, they were referring to the LA River which is now a dry chasm of concrete. The Spanish built missions and cleared ranch land, and little changed even when it passed to Mexican control, Mexico was still called New Spain in 1821. A blurry and sometimes bloody twenty-six years passed with little changing but politics and loyalties. The United States took control of the whole place on January 13, 1847 with a military treaty signed at the Campo de Cahuenga, which still exists. It is across the street from the Universal Studios movie-themed amusement park. Both Universal Studios and the Campo de Cahuenga have gift shops.

There are two changes which are generally indicative of the cellular mutations that cause cancer: the unchecked multiplication of cells and the diversion of blood flow required to feed that malignant cluster.

In 1892 oil was discovered 460 feet below what is now the corner of Colton Street and Glendale Boulevard, less than a mile from the present site of Dodger Stadium, which has a gift shop. The resulting oil boom and its concurrence with the waning days of the California Gold Rush caused the population of Los Angeles to multiply until it had swelled to more than one hundred thousand by 1900. The resulting pressure on the city’s water supply became manifest in the Federal legislation which created the Los Angeles Aqueduct, which would, over time, drain the Owens Valley dry. That same legislation gave Los Angeles access to the aquifer below the San Fernando Valley, over the hill the north. Provisions of that legislation prevented the City of Los Angeles from selling that water back to the farmers who grew wheat and grapes and citrus fruit in the Valley, because they were not within the city limits. Quickly the little farm towns which sat at the bottom of the 260 square mile bowl of the San Fernando Valley begged to be annexed into the jurisdiction of the City of Los Angeles. With the economic and population booms that followed World War II, LA needed somewhere to keep its people, having already filled its own space. The San Fernando Valley was ripe for suburban sprawl as it was already connected to the Los Angeles Basin by a natural gorge through the Santa Monica Mountains called the Sepulveda Pass. In 1957 construction began on the 405 Freeway which would forever forward link LA to the Valley like a hardened artery. Nested atop the southern edge of the Pass, above the freeway and looking south to Downtown and West to the Pacific Ocean, sits the Getty Center which gleams white like a mirage when the sun is out. It has a gift shop. Through the 1950s nearly all of the Valley farmland was concreted over to make space for a shockingly inefficient grid system of streets and for subdivisions of single-family homes which were built with the same energy and interchangeability of parts which had so recently served the war effort to such great success. There are still a few tiny ghettos of citrus farmland in the modern Valley. Tourist brochures refer to them as open air museum groves. One of them is a small stand of orange trees on the campus of California State University Northridge, it is located on the south side of campus along Nordhoff Street across from a gas station and a Cupid’s Hot dog stand. The hot dog stand does not have a gift shop but the CSUN bookstore sells all manner of branded commemorative trinkets.

The direct connection a tumor establishes to the bloodstream provides it with more than just a means of sustenance, it also creates a highway through which mutated cells may travel through the rest of the body.

Portions of the population looking to escape the suburban sprawl of the San Fernando Valley moved north over the Santa Susanna Mountains into the Santa Clarita Valley, which was formerly notable only for the Newhall Pass through which the Southern Pacific Railroad moved its trains between Los Angeles and San Francisco, and for the 262 acre Six Flags Magic Mountain roller coaster amusement park built there in 1971. The amusement park offers numerous gift shops. Other population booms have occurred to the west in the Santa Clara River Valley along State Route 126, where citrus and fruit farmland has been rezoned to serve the expansions of Santa Paula and Fillmore. Further to the northeast, population expansion has metastasized into the Antelope Valley which is a desolate high desert of more than two thousand square miles named for the pronghorned deer-like animals - unrelated to but resembling eurasian antelopes - which lived there until being hunted out of existence in 1888. Most of the Antelope Valley grows little food and possesses even less water.

Cancerous cells which leave their initial cluster and spread throughout the body can eventually form their own new clusters in new locations through the perversion of the natural process of angiogenesis, thereby allowing the new clusters to begin siphoning off blood supply on their own.

Population growth in the Antelope Valley has depleted the existing ground water aquifer to such a degree that land subsidence has begun to occur, whereby the ground level itself is dropping. From it’s main population centers of Palmdale and Lancaster, it is impossible to see across the desert and mountains back down into the cancerous cluster that is Los Angeles, but the fragility of the very ground there is indicative enough of its presence.

Left untreated, virtually all cancer is terminal.


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(An earlier version of this piece was published in the Fall 2014 issue of The Northridge Review)
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Thursday, September 29, 2016

The Impossible Museum.


The Impossible Museum
By James Bezerra


Gallery 1 contains the hat check, the coat check, the weapons check, and the mandatory blood donation center.

Galleries 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, and 8 contain variously incorrect maps of the museum.

Gallery 13 contains a complete, fully-functional scale model of the universe.

Gallery 28 contains anti-Semitism.

Gallery 33 Contains Edgar Allen Poe, who sits on a white wooden chair inside of a sound-proof and bullet-proof clear lexan box. He is very much alive and can see you. His situation has never been explained to him.

Gallery 42 Contains a vibrantly alive cancer cell. Surely it is not hubris to exhibit such a thing.

Gallery 68 contains approximately a chest-high quantity of warm, liquid, fresh human blood. Rubber waders are complimentary, but limited in supply.

Gallery 79 contains two cancer cells.

Gallery 87 contains all of your existential fear: the quiet, bottomless disappointments of your life. The stuff of your midnight anxiety. That you have wasted your brief time on the planet. That you have lived your best moments, none of which were even remarkable. That you will die and never be thought of again. That your loved ones find your tiresome. That you will fail at everything.

Gallery 96 contains four cancer cells.

Gallery 121 contains more that thirty-seven million panes of window glass removed from murder scenes.

Gallery 158 contains a conveyor belt delivering an endless supply of Schrodeinger Boxes for visitors to open. Dead cats may be left in the ever-growing pile or retained as souvenirs. Live cats are to be left to scrounge off the pile.

Gallery 186 contains sixteen cancer cells.

Gallery 202 contains the bullet that actually killed JFK.

Gallery 235 contains professional black & white headshots of the people your lovers have thought about while having sex with you.

Gallery 296 contains seventy-three million swatches of carpet removed from rooms where suicides have occurred.

Gallery 331 contains a large, fully-functional scale model of the left ventricle of your mother’s heart.

Gallery 444 contains a sealed cube on a borrowed, plastic green patio table, which contains approximately 4,000 baby panda eyeballs.

Gallery 501 contains 256 cancer cells.

Gallery 505 contains a perfect replica of Edgar Allan Poe’s white chair and nothing else but an oppressive sense of foreboding. This gallery has no exit.

Gallery 616 contains 65,536 cancer cells.

Gallery 738 contains over 300 million individual strands of human hair left behind on the pillows of abandoned lovers.

Gallery 819 contains Yoko Ono.

Gallery 916 contains a 6-inch bench vise, a zinc nail, a hammer, a bullet, and a sloth.
Gallery 1004 contains a green-winged teal duck and a rhesus monkey that has been electro-shock conditioned to want to ride the duck. The monkey has not been trained to ride the duck.
Gallery 1228 contains a single, possibly decaying atom, a vial of sarin gas, and a docent with a Geiger counter who will break open the vial should the atom decay during your visit.

Gallery 2034 is a lightless, soundless, airless, floorless, and wall-less black cube with no apparent entrances, exits, hope, or time.

Gallery 3891 contains 700 speakers playing an endless audio loop of every I-Love-You ever uttered by your current lover to someone else.

Gallery 4000 contains 4,294,967,296 cancer cells.

Gallery 4408 contains a more than adequate amount of burn victim pornography.

Gallery 5562 contains a tall, aging pile of nosebleed tissues of cocaine-addicted former Presidents of the United States, and also Bolivia.

Gallery 6119 contains the souls of masturbation sperm never allowed to grow, age, live, love, exist, thrive, cry, fear, cure, laugh, or die.

Gallery 7288 contains used, faulty mountaineering gear.

Gallery 8138 contains 18,446,744,073,709,551,616 cancer cells.

Gallery 9787 contains the revelation that most clothing is donated to secondhand stores following the death of a loved one.

Gallery 10216 contains live feeds of child molestations from around the world. The gallery has been upgraded to now feature sound.

Gallery 11896 contains the end of a tunnel and a switch.

Gallery 20256 contains an innumerable quantity of cancer cells.

Gallery 30000 contains a small amount of hope.

Gallery 30001 contains a blinding white light.

Gallery 30002 contains nothing but cancer cells.

Gallery 30003 contains the museum gift shop and the single, non-functioning parking validation machine.


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Friday, March 11, 2011

All the News, Fit to Print or Otherwise.

News stories which would be great if only they were true:

Irish economy calmed by announcement that government will dip into Strategic Pot-of-Gold Reserve (SPGR).

Irish government hopes to attract more foreign tourists with new Pot-of-Gold Give-Away Promotion. Irish Tourism Bureau spokesman says, “We are placing one at the end of every rainbow, and each one is guarded by an Irish Marine.”

Foreign Tourists in Ireland declare, “Irish Tourism Bureau is full of crap. These pots of gold are really hard to find.”

New study finds that Tunisian and Egyptian senses of superiority dangerously on the rise as Libyan uprising devolves into civil war.

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad cautions the population of Iran, “Don’t even think about it.”

Uprising in Tunisia forces Americans to briefly pretend to care about Tunisia.

Libyan refugees flooding into Ireland, scouring countryside searching for pots of gold. Irish Marine regiment reportedly overrun. Said one marine, “They are twice as tall as us!”

The International Association of Globe and Map Makers (IAGMM) formally requested that Tunisia and Egypt remain their counties. Said an unnamed IAGMM source, “We could really use the extra money.”

International community shocked – shocked! - to learn of decades of human rights abuses committed under Libya’s Gaddafi regime. Said one United Nations spokesperson, “Now that it will be only a hollow symbolic gesture, we will begin investigating.”

White House announced on Friday a new American policy toward Libya called “The Maturity Doctrine.” Said the President, “Why don’t we all just calm the hell down, okay?”

Republican House leadership proposes alternative Libyan policy called the “Let’s-Indiscriminately-Start-Handing-Out-Guns-and-Money-to-Pissed-Off-Third-World-Populations-because-That-Has-Never-Caused-a-Problem-for-Us-Before Doctrine.”

OPEC announces hike in oil prices due to cancelation of “Two and a Half Men”.

Charlie Sheen announces high rate of dissatisfaction with everyone and everything that is not Charlie Sheen.

American Society of Registered Warlocks (ASRW) releases a statement, “Charlie Sheen has not been paying his annual membership dues.”

Gas prices on the rise because OPEC knows Americans don’t distinguish between North Africa and the Middle East.

New study finds that people who only read Justin Bieber’s Twitter feed significantly better informed about world events than those who only read Sarah Palin’s Twitter feed.

Former Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin loses bid to appear on “Are You Smarter than a Fifth Grader”.

Pop star Justin Bieber tells reporters, “It is really disturbing the amount of time and energy that the press commits to covering my every word and hair style while so many important and historically relevant events are taking place around the world. It speaks to something fundamentally flawed and manic about the mass American consciousness and it needs to be addressed.”

Governor of Wisconsin unveils new plan to take rights from minorities, gays, children, puppies, unicorns.

New public school budget proposal by the Governor of Wisconsin strips funding for books, desks, food, heat, students. Said the Governor, “I pledge that within the next ten years the great state of Wisconsin will have the dumbest and most poorly educated students in all of the United States.”

Wisconsin teenagers respond to cuts in educational funding by releasing statement saying, “ :( “

The Council of American’s Tech Hipsters (CATH) has declared that the recently released iPad 2 is, “The most stunning human achievement since the first iPad” and that it is “better than curing Cancer would have been.”

American Cancer Society releases a statement saying, “We are pleased that the brightest and most talented minds in America are working for Apple and Google, as they have made it significantly faster and easier for Cancer patients all around the world to find funeral homes and discount caskets.”

Japanese earthquake/tsunami awakes slumbering giant lizard creature, which has gone on the rampage in Tokyo, destroying numerous buildings. The Japanese military has dispatched its giant Moth man creature to restore order.



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** The editors here at Standardkink have already donated to the Japan Tsumani Relief Fund or whatever the hell that email was that we got this morning, so calm down and recognize that the Godzilla joke was just too perfect to pass up **
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