And We're Back!

These posts today are not so much about you being interested in them. They are mostly me reminding myself how to write for you since it has been so long since I have done it. I have been rather lazy for the last month or so.

I have gotten bored with being lazy.

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Retractions, Apologies and Best Wishes.

I would like to say that my thoughts and best wishes are with the people of Norway, especially since their otherwise peaceful society really wasn’t prepared for the kind of awfulness that was unleashed on it last week. I would also like to offer my apologies for making fun of Norway on Facebook when I initially heard about the explosions, though in my defense, that was before we knew that anyone had been killed. Additionally, I would like to retract the jokes I made about how that’s what Norway gets for invading Denmark at the end of Hamlet, as that was not only not funny, given the circumstances, but also – apparently – made me look like a pretentious douche. Furthermore, I would like to apologize for mistakenly identifying the country of Finland on a map when one of my coworkers asked where Norway is. And while we are on the topic, I would like to apologize to my Norwegian coworker Svensen for berating him when he politely tried to correct me as to the location of his homeland; Svensen I am very sorry for the things that I said to you about Norwegian men’s well-known lack of sexual prowess and about your mother’s well-known lack of sexual morals. Obviously I was making those things up because I was embarrassed.

So anywhoo, sorry everybody. I will try to keep it together a little better next time.


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It Has Been a Little While.

Oh dear blog,

I have missed you! I am so sorry that I have been away. It has been a trying month. In fact, ever since the new year I have felt drained both physically and emotionally. Work has been busier and more difficult than normal and February is looking to be worse.

But don’t cry for me dear blog, I shall endure.

And it hasn’t been all terror and tears. No!

In fact, I recently spent a day running around LA with my friend Mike The Director. We went LACMA (the Los Angeles County Museum of Art) which is a strange and beautiful place. I had never been before and it was fascinating. It is a sprawling complex of museums and I asked if they would let me move in and live there (They said no).

One of the very interesting (and most tourist-friendly) instillations is right out on the street. Called “Urban Light” it is a forest of restored lamp posts all arranged in rows. This camera phone photo doesn’t do it justice at all.



Also – as you will see below in these rare photos of your humble author – there is a variety of art for you brain to chew on.
If I had more energy, I would tell you more, but alas, I am tired. I miss you dear blog and I promise that I will not stay away so long again.



Your humble author contemplating Richard Serra’s entirely black canvas “L.A. Hinge”.



Again, pondering Peter Halley’s “Weekend” which also happens to be an entirely black canvas. Hooray for art?

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P.S. Yes, I am that bald. Deal with it, I have.
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I Really Apologize For this One.

So rather than writing another cry-y, introspective-y, complain-y blog entry, I am going to take my complaints with the world and with life and put them in a blender and toss in some spices and cliches and present them to you in the style of an especially bad stand-up comedian.

Please enjoy, and remember to tip your waitress.

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So what’s the deal with ladies? Huh? How come they’re all crazy? Am I right?

They have the same reaction to logic that I do to whole milk! You know what I’m saying? Yeah you do.

How come they don’t call me, is what I’m asking you. The other day I gave this lady my number and she didn’t even call me. Like maybe she was too busy doing here hair or something! You know what I mean? It’s like she didn’t even appreciate the fact that I wrote my phone number on her bathroom mirror with my own blood. You know? Like she didn’t even care that I used my own blood! I did it because it’s way more special then using someone else’s! You know what I’m saying?

But I guess that men and ladies are just diff-er-ent, you know what I’m saying? Like when a lady sees a pair of shoes, she’s all like, “Eek! I totally want to buy those shoes!” but when a man sees a pair of shoes, he’s all like, “I don’t think that you could hunt a wild buffalo is shoes like that! And that’s what I do, I hunt wild buffalo, because I’m a man and that’s what we do!” Right! Let’s hear it men! Right? For hunting wild buffalo.

And you know what else? What’s the deal with airline food? It’s so – like – bad. Right? You know what I’m talking about. You do. YOU in the front row! Look at you! I don’t know if you’re a lady or … you know, a man. Right? I bet you like airline food. Although, you know, it has gotten a lot better. I was on Delta and they gave me some food and I ate some of it and I was all like, “This is not … this is not that bad? In fact I would eat this a lot, if it wasn’t thirty-six thousand feet up in the air. Am I right?

You know what else? What really grinds my gears? Not having anyone to hold at night, against me. Or against their will! Right? You know what I’m saying. Yeah.

That’s it. Thanks everybody.


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Ummm .... sorry?

So most of the time I make sure that my better angels are in control of me before I post things on this here blog. However, occasionally I feel the need to make detours into unjustifiably adolescent territory and this – unfortunately - is going to be one of those type of posts.

Is it me, or is the red head Snorg Tee girl like unreasonably hot?






Speaking of Snorg Tees: Hey, remember Myspace?


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Welcome Back to Standard Kink.

So this is my triumphant return to blogging.

“Return?” you ask, “Where did you go? Why did you leave us?”

Well, the truth is that I just went in circles, mostly. You see, Violet and I broke up. It is very sad and I am sad about it and I had actually been so sad that I couldn’t quite muster the whimsy that you have probably grown accustomed to. Here at Standard Kink the editorial staff works very hard to provide you with the finest off-kilter whimsy that you can find anywhere online.

In addition to whimsy we also like to be your go-to resource for zest, zeal, zip, vigor and verve.

And that just hasn’t been possible lately. Probably because I have been crying too much.

So – you are wondering now – what the fuck? Exactly?

Well, I will tell you.

I have moved across town to the high-density Mexican area called Newhall. I only mention that it is high-density Mexican because a lot of people think that this is a bad area, but – in fact – it is not. In fact! It is mostly families and I like to think that I am – in fact - the bad influence in the neighborhood. Also, I have a roommate, she is a friend from school and she has told me that she would like a fake blog name and thus far I have suggested “Starburst” and “Rainbow Fairy” but she has rejected both of those out-of-hand. She (along with me) graduated last month and she was also an English major, though she is a poet and therefore slightly inferior (I’m just saying). If you have any suggestions for her fake blog name, feel free to post them.

As soon as I find my camera (I think it is still in a box) I will post some pictures of the new place. It is just what I like: it is an older apartment complex (which means bigger rooms!) but it was recently remodeled (which means pretty!). It has hardwood floors the color of straw and one of the strangest coat closets that I have ever seen. It has a small dining room that fits my table like a glove (that’s where I am sitting right now!). I have a big bedroom and a lot of floor space and lots of room for books, but I have almost no book shelves, so the books are just stacked along the walls. It creates a wonderful ring-around-the-tub-but-with-books effect and part of me just wants to leave it this way. You can all come over and lay on my floor and touch all of my books with your fingers.

Otherwise, I have been writing just a little bit lately and you will find all of that stuff below. Lots of bad poems, a regrettably bad short story, a Lady Gaga video, some thoughts about accountancy and also Kevin Costner. Some other stuff too.

As far as the future is concerned, you should be prepared for exponential growth in the number of incomprehensible and scatological posts. I fear that it was Violet who encouraged me to be comprehendible, so maybe while visiting this blog you will get to witness my implosion into Burroughs-esque flights of masturbatory-ly imagistic abstraction (I fear you are witnessing such a thing right now) or, who knows, maybe I will just become even more cloying and lame. Let us hope not. I think that life is going to get strange and lonely and also kind of interesting.

Anyway, welcome to Standard Kink, I am glad to be back and I am glad that you are here.

Now please enjoy some regrettably bad writing.


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All Apologies, Dear Blog.

Oh my poor blog, I miss you. I really do. I have just been so busy! I know that’s not a good excuse, but it is at least honest. I have just been working so much! And going to school! And there has been so much else! Life has gotten busier and I didn’t think that was possible.

So I am still working everyday, pushing around large quantities of other people’s numbers.

And then I leave work at two to go to school!

This semester I am taking the college’s literary journal class, and I am senior editor so I have been spending quite a lot of time making that happen. For the longest time I thought that you, dear blog, were basically my secret girlfriend. It was you that I was thinking about during those few and fleeting private moments, but now it is this journal. I think about fonts and kerning much more than is healthy. I think about the feeling of every piece of paper I come across. I am on an endless bender of tactile gratification.

In addition to all of that, I am still going through this process of filling out paperwork for schools. I really think that this grad school application process will never end. I think what they are really evaluating us on is out ability to do endless amounts of paperwork.

And the worst part, dear blog! The worst part is that I am barely writing at all. It is awful. I knew that was going to happen this semester, but I can still be unhappy about it. And I am unhappy about it.

And what’s even worse than that? Oh, I will tell you. I have aged. I had a birthday, but not just any birthday. It was that awful, fearful, horrid number. The number so bad that I dare not type its name. It has a three in it. That is all I will say. So get used to hearing me complain, so much more about how old I am and how undignified it is to be this old. You think I had a complex before? Well just wait, we will swiftly be moving on to a whole new level of psychosis. It’s gonna be great.


But more on that some other time. What I will do now is make you this promise, dear blog, I will return to you soon and we will spend time together. Real and quality time. We will talk more about all the things that are wrong in the world (like Republicans) and I will tell you about all the things I am learning in school and about the world.

The future holds concerts and stories and arguments about fonts!

I may be indefensibly old, but I am still looking forward to all the life that’s left.

I miss you dear blog, but I we will see each other again soon.