Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Regrettable Lies I Have Gotten Away With.

Since I can’t sleep I have been reflecting on my life and below is a(n incomplete) list of lies that I have told people THAT WERE BELIEVED!

That my family owns a bridge outside of Tracy California where my father taught me how to fish.

That I was adopted (I wrote a two-part editorial about it for my high school paper).

That I dropped out of UCLA medical school.

That I have been to Chicago.

That I would pick up the bar tab (I still feel bad about that one).

That I wasn’t drunk.

That I used to be in a band.

That I ran for mayor of my hometown when I was 19.

That I served in the merchant marines for four years.

That I am a commercial airline pilot.

That I taught myself how to tie a necktie at the age of four.

That I am Jewish.

That I am a devout Christian who is unhappy that I can’t find a church that, “Really practices what Jesus taught. You know?”

That I am gay.

That I used to know how to speak Portuguese.

That I had a short-lived and completely unsuccessful career in pornography.

That I used to own a beat up car with a lot of bumper stickers on it.

That I know how to ski.

That I have performed CPR on myself by leaning over the back of a chair.

That I used to work as a fire extinguisher inspector.

That I got such high SAT scores because they lost my test and my parents threatened to sue the SAT company.

That I had a roommate who could make fake library cards.

That my father is the actor who played the bad guy in the first “Beverly Hills Cop” movie.

That I can change the oil in a car.

That I saw a tornado once when I was in Missouri.

That I accidently swallow paper clips all the time at work.

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2 comments:

mike said...

you sonofabich i believed you. where am i going to get my fake library card now, Huh? tell me that.

also you forgot the lie "I am 45 years old"

alittleposy said...

Whoever believed the thing about you performing CPR on yourself must have been really loaded.