Regrettable Lies I Have Gotten Away With.

Since I can’t sleep I have been reflecting on my life and below is a(n incomplete) list of lies that I have told people THAT WERE BELIEVED!

That my family owns a bridge outside of Tracy California where my father taught me how to fish.

That I was adopted (I wrote a two-part editorial about it for my high school paper).

That I dropped out of UCLA medical school.

That I have been to Chicago.

That I would pick up the bar tab (I still feel bad about that one).

That I wasn’t drunk.

That I used to be in a band.

That I ran for mayor of my hometown when I was 19.

That I served in the merchant marines for four years.

That I am a commercial airline pilot.

That I taught myself how to tie a necktie at the age of four.

That I am Jewish.

That I am a devout Christian who is unhappy that I can’t find a church that, “Really practices what Jesus taught. You know?”

That I am gay.

That I used to know how to speak Portuguese.

That I had a short-lived and completely unsuccessful career in pornography.

That I used to own a beat up car with a lot of bumper stickers on it.

That I know how to ski.

That I have performed CPR on myself by leaning over the back of a chair.

That I used to work as a fire extinguisher inspector.

That I got such high SAT scores because they lost my test and my parents threatened to sue the SAT company.

That I had a roommate who could make fake library cards.

That my father is the actor who played the bad guy in the first “Beverly Hills Cop” movie.

That I can change the oil in a car.

That I saw a tornado once when I was in Missouri.

That I accidently swallow paper clips all the time at work.

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