Is it wrong that I have started telling my students that there is a secret restaurant under the library? That it has a full bar and a live blues band on Friday nights? And that they aren’t allowed to go there?
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Showing posts with label lies I have told. Show all posts
Showing posts with label lies I have told. Show all posts
Wednesday, March 4, 2015
Blues Bar.
Is it wrong that I have started telling my students that there is a secret restaurant under the library? That it has a full bar and a live blues band on Friday nights? And that they aren’t allowed to go there?
Monday, November 22, 2010
Some 100% True-ish Facts.
All of these things are either 100% true, or less than 100% true.
1. When Sputnik was launched in 1957 it contained a single vial of Joseph Stalin’s semen. It is still circling the Earth, Sputnik and the semen.
2. While filming the film “Accepted”, Justin Long and Blake Lively had a tryst that is the basis for the screenplay “Gossip Boy” currently being shopped by Jonah Hill.
3. General Douglas MacArthur practiced yoga.
4. The modern necktie derives from neckerchiefs worn by Croatian mercenaries.
5. Robert F. Kennedy spoke German very, very poorly. His German friends made fun of him behind his back, and then felt bad about it later.
6. The baseball card of Moe Berg is displayed at the CIA headquarters in Langley Virginia because in addition to being a major league shortstop in the 1930s, he also spoke ten languages and spied for the OSS.
7. Fans and advocates of the textile pattern Hounds Tooth generally and vehemently deny that it is derived from Glen Urquhart plaid.
8. I once accidently bumped elbows with Amanda Bynes at the Arclight in Hollywood.
9. Until the age of 14 author Sir Terry Pratchett was raised as a girl.
10. There has never actually been 400,000 of anything. There has been more and there has been less, but there has never been exactly 400,000 of anything (I learned this at the secret bi-monthly meeting of bad-ass accountants, a members only club).
11. At the Museum of Tolerance in Los Angeles, racist epithets are shouted at you (via recording) as you walk through the entryway. This is actually a prank and not officially part of the museum experience.
12. Standard Memory Foam absorbs particles of your dreams.
13. 40% of the porn viewed online every day is accessed by women.
14. Steve Jobs once met Osama bin Laden in Dubai.
15. Conan O’Brien was once stalked by a priest from the Archdiocese of Boston.
16. American author and Pulitzer Prize winner Don DeLillo occasionally writes commercials for Chivas 18. He refuses to be credited for this.
17. Director Steven Soderbergh is a practicing Episcopalian.
18. SCUBA is an acronym that stands for Submillimetre Common-User Bolometer Array.
19. As a teenager, Harrison Ford dated his best friend’s sister.
20. Three different men have been married to Whoopi Goldberg.
21. William Shakespeare invented the word ‘submerge’.
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1. When Sputnik was launched in 1957 it contained a single vial of Joseph Stalin’s semen. It is still circling the Earth, Sputnik and the semen.
2. While filming the film “Accepted”, Justin Long and Blake Lively had a tryst that is the basis for the screenplay “Gossip Boy” currently being shopped by Jonah Hill.
3. General Douglas MacArthur practiced yoga.
4. The modern necktie derives from neckerchiefs worn by Croatian mercenaries.
5. Robert F. Kennedy spoke German very, very poorly. His German friends made fun of him behind his back, and then felt bad about it later.
6. The baseball card of Moe Berg is displayed at the CIA headquarters in Langley Virginia because in addition to being a major league shortstop in the 1930s, he also spoke ten languages and spied for the OSS.
7. Fans and advocates of the textile pattern Hounds Tooth generally and vehemently deny that it is derived from Glen Urquhart plaid.
8. I once accidently bumped elbows with Amanda Bynes at the Arclight in Hollywood.
9. Until the age of 14 author Sir Terry Pratchett was raised as a girl.
10. There has never actually been 400,000 of anything. There has been more and there has been less, but there has never been exactly 400,000 of anything (I learned this at the secret bi-monthly meeting of bad-ass accountants, a members only club).
11. At the Museum of Tolerance in Los Angeles, racist epithets are shouted at you (via recording) as you walk through the entryway. This is actually a prank and not officially part of the museum experience.
12. Standard Memory Foam absorbs particles of your dreams.
13. 40% of the porn viewed online every day is accessed by women.
14. Steve Jobs once met Osama bin Laden in Dubai.
15. Conan O’Brien was once stalked by a priest from the Archdiocese of Boston.
16. American author and Pulitzer Prize winner Don DeLillo occasionally writes commercials for Chivas 18. He refuses to be credited for this.
17. Director Steven Soderbergh is a practicing Episcopalian.
18. SCUBA is an acronym that stands for Submillimetre Common-User Bolometer Array.
19. As a teenager, Harrison Ford dated his best friend’s sister.
20. Three different men have been married to Whoopi Goldberg.
21. William Shakespeare invented the word ‘submerge’.
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Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Regrettable Lies I Have Gotten Away With.
Since I can’t sleep I have been reflecting on my life and below is a(n incomplete) list of lies that I have told people THAT WERE BELIEVED!
That my family owns a bridge outside of Tracy California where my father taught me how to fish.
That I was adopted (I wrote a two-part editorial about it for my high school paper).
That I dropped out of UCLA medical school.
That I have been to Chicago.
That I would pick up the bar tab (I still feel bad about that one).
That I wasn’t drunk.
That I used to be in a band.
That I ran for mayor of my hometown when I was 19.
That I served in the merchant marines for four years.
That I am a commercial airline pilot.
That I taught myself how to tie a necktie at the age of four.
That I am Jewish.
That I am a devout Christian who is unhappy that I can’t find a church that, “Really practices what Jesus taught. You know?”
That I am gay.
That I used to know how to speak Portuguese.
That I had a short-lived and completely unsuccessful career in pornography.
That I used to own a beat up car with a lot of bumper stickers on it.
That I know how to ski.
That I have performed CPR on myself by leaning over the back of a chair.
That I used to work as a fire extinguisher inspector.
That I got such high SAT scores because they lost my test and my parents threatened to sue the SAT company.
That I had a roommate who could make fake library cards.
That my father is the actor who played the bad guy in the first “Beverly Hills Cop” movie.
That I can change the oil in a car.
That I saw a tornado once when I was in Missouri.
That I accidently swallow paper clips all the time at work.
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.
.
.
That my family owns a bridge outside of Tracy California where my father taught me how to fish.
That I was adopted (I wrote a two-part editorial about it for my high school paper).
That I dropped out of UCLA medical school.
That I have been to Chicago.
That I would pick up the bar tab (I still feel bad about that one).
That I wasn’t drunk.
That I used to be in a band.
That I ran for mayor of my hometown when I was 19.
That I served in the merchant marines for four years.
That I am a commercial airline pilot.
That I taught myself how to tie a necktie at the age of four.
That I am Jewish.
That I am a devout Christian who is unhappy that I can’t find a church that, “Really practices what Jesus taught. You know?”
That I am gay.
That I used to know how to speak Portuguese.
That I had a short-lived and completely unsuccessful career in pornography.
That I used to own a beat up car with a lot of bumper stickers on it.
That I know how to ski.
That I have performed CPR on myself by leaning over the back of a chair.
That I used to work as a fire extinguisher inspector.
That I got such high SAT scores because they lost my test and my parents threatened to sue the SAT company.
That I had a roommate who could make fake library cards.
That my father is the actor who played the bad guy in the first “Beverly Hills Cop” movie.
That I can change the oil in a car.
That I saw a tornado once when I was in Missouri.
That I accidently swallow paper clips all the time at work.
.
.
.
.
.
.
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