Fighting that Dying Light, Again.

Oh dear blog, I am so sorry that I have been so absent as of late. I have been busy in ways that I will probably be telling you about soon. All I want to tell you now is that sleep beckons and that I am going to try to sleep in my bed tonight. I haven’t done that in awhile. Most nights when I’m home I can’t bring myself to crawl into bed. I stay up as late as I can stand watching the History channel until I can feel my eyes drying out and then – blessedly – I fall asleep at some point.

The thing is that I haven’t been doing very well lately. Life is punctuated with these little flashes of wonderful, but in between there are wide gray zones. If you like hyperbole, image that savagely tilled no mans land between French and German lines with WWI cannon fire bursting bright like the sun on either side. That, minus the savagery (usually) is kinda what my gray stretches are like lately.

I think that I don’t feel like I’m making much forward momentum through life right now. Most days – at about this time of night anyway – start to feel like failures. Small, 24-hour-long failures and I think that there is some soft and deranged part of my brain that thinks that crawling alone into bed is a kind of acceptance of the failing. So the only small protest that I can manage is refusing to go to bed. So I am up, alone with the demons of my ego (did I tell you that I was hanging out with my EX recently and in her car I found some old internet print-outs about how to tell if you are dating a narcissist? That felt good).

The point in all this is that I am going to try to crawl into my bed soon. Or rather, onto my bed. I almost never sleep under the covers. I have a couple of blankets and I use those. I sleep on the bed. Seldom do I sleep in it. Does that make me some weird kind of ascetic? Probably not. They say that John The Baptist lived on wasps. That guy was a fucking ascetic.

Don’t let me convince you that life is awful; it really isn’t, it just somehow always feels that way this time of night.

Part of my mind right now tells me that I sound be raging against the dying of the light and that I should have refusal running through me just like I do thick hot blood and cancer potential, but the other part of me is just tired.

I think that tonight the tired is going to win.

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