Thursday, September 30, 2010
What the Fuck is Going on in Ecuador?!
So apparently there is some kind of labor dispute going on with the police down there and the President. The Police basically rioted and chased the President into a hospital and then shot tear gas into it and so the Ecuadorian military had to show up to rescue him.
WTF?
Read it up HERE at the BBC.
Hip Hop History.
So I know you’re seeing this everywhere today, but it is actually kind of cool, sort of a chronological history of hip hop I guess (skip the beginning, it starts about 65 seconds in).
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Frightened Fat Kid Inherits North Korea.
I know that you are in the loop and up on your current events, so I don’t have to tell you that recently it has seemed like the government in North Korea is maneuvering to establish Kim Jong Il’s son Kim Jong Un as the clear successor to his father.
Since the government of North Korea is all old-school Stalinist and still more secretive than M. Night Shymalan wants you to be about the end of his “movies”, no one actually knows who the hell Kim Jong Un is or what the hell he looks like or what makes him so qualified to run the world’s most batshit insane dictatorship. This goes for North Koreans too, they are all like, “I’m too busy starving to really care much at this point.”
So those ever-subtle style-makers up there in Pyongyang figured out how to make it super clear who will lead them into the future. Here is what they did: they let him go out in public.
That’s right. They allowed him to be seen.
Here is a picture from a recent North Korean rally, he’s the kid on the left.
Ha!
That was a joke. Seriously though, here you go, he’s the kid on the left.
Ha!
You fell for it again!
Seriously though this time; he is the kid on the left.
So there he is. Cower in fear world!
This poor guy has a lot to live up to. His father (the guy on the far right who looks like Mrs. Kim from The Gilmore Girls) is simply out of his mind in a way that only absolute power can make you.
You know what I really want to know though? How come the guy in the middle of that last picture isn’t the guy in charge? His hat is big and that probably makes him qualified. That Kim Jung Un is lucky that Dr. Seuss didn’t overthrow Korea and install a Communist government back in the day because if he had then – I suspect – political power would be determined entirely by the size of one’s hat (this is how the Catholic Church has always done it) and Kim Jong Um would be out on his ass.
HERE is an actual article about what's going on up there in the North.
(BTW, I bitch and moan a lot, but I understand that if I lived in North Korea and posted this blog entry, I would probably go to jail, or worse. GBA.)
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Since the government of North Korea is all old-school Stalinist and still more secretive than M. Night Shymalan wants you to be about the end of his “movies”, no one actually knows who the hell Kim Jong Un is or what the hell he looks like or what makes him so qualified to run the world’s most batshit insane dictatorship. This goes for North Koreans too, they are all like, “I’m too busy starving to really care much at this point.”
So those ever-subtle style-makers up there in Pyongyang figured out how to make it super clear who will lead them into the future. Here is what they did: they let him go out in public.
That’s right. They allowed him to be seen.
Here is a picture from a recent North Korean rally, he’s the kid on the left.
Ha!
That was a joke. Seriously though, here you go, he’s the kid on the left.
Ha!
You fell for it again!
Seriously though this time; he is the kid on the left.
So there he is. Cower in fear world!
This poor guy has a lot to live up to. His father (the guy on the far right who looks like Mrs. Kim from The Gilmore Girls) is simply out of his mind in a way that only absolute power can make you.
You know what I really want to know though? How come the guy in the middle of that last picture isn’t the guy in charge? His hat is big and that probably makes him qualified. That Kim Jung Un is lucky that Dr. Seuss didn’t overthrow Korea and install a Communist government back in the day because if he had then – I suspect – political power would be determined entirely by the size of one’s hat (this is how the Catholic Church has always done it) and Kim Jong Um would be out on his ass.
HERE is an actual article about what's going on up there in the North.
(BTW, I bitch and moan a lot, but I understand that if I lived in North Korea and posted this blog entry, I would probably go to jail, or worse. GBA.)
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Places I Have Fought.
Places Where My Ex Girlfriend and I Got in a Fight About One Thing or Another: An Entirely Non-Comprehensive List.
Many of these were my fault. A lot of them were not.
Sea-Tac Airport
New York City (general)
Central Park (specifically)
Bronxville, NY
San Luis Obispo
San Diego (primarily in The Gas Lamp and Downtown, but also Hotel Circle)
Newhall, CA
My last apartment
My studio apartment
In the street outside my studio apartment
The room I rented in Echo Park
In the street outside the room I rented in Echo Park
Universal CityWalk (I totally deserved that one)
Fresno, CA
My parent’s house
Her best friend’s house
IKEA
The Chevy’s Fresh Mex across the street from IKEA
Utah
(I’m making an effort to remember both the good and the bad. I’m told that that’s healthy.)
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Many of these were my fault. A lot of them were not.
Sea-Tac Airport
New York City (general)
Central Park (specifically)
Bronxville, NY
San Luis Obispo
San Diego (primarily in The Gas Lamp and Downtown, but also Hotel Circle)
Newhall, CA
My last apartment
My studio apartment
In the street outside my studio apartment
The room I rented in Echo Park
In the street outside the room I rented in Echo Park
Universal CityWalk (I totally deserved that one)
Fresno, CA
My parent’s house
Her best friend’s house
IKEA
The Chevy’s Fresh Mex across the street from IKEA
Utah
(I’m making an effort to remember both the good and the bad. I’m told that that’s healthy.)
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All I Don't Need.
I had to turn the television off just now because my roommate Azalea (still test driving blog names for her) is currently recording both Grey’s Anatomy and CSI, so I can’t change the channel. She isn’t home, BTW.
But whatever. I don’t need the television. I don’t need anything. I don’t need any of this stuff. I don’t need you. I don’t need anything ... And that's the only thing I need is this. I don't need this or this. Just this ashtray... And this paddle game. - The ashtray and the paddle game and that's all I need... And this remote control. - The ashtray, the paddle game, and the remote control, and that's all I need... And these matches. - The ashtray, and these matches, and the remote control, and the paddle ball... And this lamp. - The ashtray, this paddle game, and the remote control, and the lamp, and that's all I need. And that's all I need too. I don't need one other thing, not one... I need this. - The paddle game and the chair, and the remote control, and the matches for sure. Well what are you looking at? What do you think I'm some kind of a jerk or something! - And this. That's all I need.
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But whatever. I don’t need the television. I don’t need anything. I don’t need any of this stuff. I don’t need you. I don’t need anything ... And that's the only thing I need is this. I don't need this or this. Just this ashtray... And this paddle game. - The ashtray and the paddle game and that's all I need... And this remote control. - The ashtray, the paddle game, and the remote control, and that's all I need... And these matches. - The ashtray, and these matches, and the remote control, and the paddle ball... And this lamp. - The ashtray, this paddle game, and the remote control, and the lamp, and that's all I need. And that's all I need too. I don't need one other thing, not one... I need this. - The paddle game and the chair, and the remote control, and the matches for sure. Well what are you looking at? What do you think I'm some kind of a jerk or something! - And this. That's all I need.
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Israel: "Um . . . I May Have Given You a Virus."
As always, the Israelis prove that they, in fact, are the badasses that Americans always think they are.
A computer virus seems to be targeting Iran’s nuclear program and it does it while making reference to The Book of Esther. How cool is that?
Of course the Israelis are all like, “We don’t know what you’re talkin’ ‘bout Willis!” But you and I know better.
Read all about it here.
Also, how cool is it that they have a secret group called Unit 8200? I want to work for Unit 8200.
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A computer virus seems to be targeting Iran’s nuclear program and it does it while making reference to The Book of Esther. How cool is that?
Of course the Israelis are all like, “We don’t know what you’re talkin’ ‘bout Willis!” But you and I know better.
Read all about it here.
Also, how cool is it that they have a secret group called Unit 8200? I want to work for Unit 8200.
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My Query Letter.
So I have been thinking a lot about the things that I should be doing with my time. I have been thinking about all of the writing that I should be doing and about how much I wanted to have accomplished by this point in my life and about how very little of it I have actually gotten to.
One of the things that I should be doing is whoring out a little more – as a writer I mean. Why, what did you think I meant? – I should be submitting more and I should be stalking agents. Plainly, I should just be trying more.
In that vein of thought, I pulled up an old query letter for a novel that I wrote a million years ago. I am going to start toying with it again (the novel and the query letter), but read the below first draft of my query and tell me that this doesn’t sound like a book that you would like to read.
(BTW, a query letter is just a quick synopsis of you and your book that you send out to agents and publishers)
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DEAR AWESOME AGENT PERSON
Set in a world both strange and strangely contemporary, my novel Very Nearly Fabulous follows the kinetic Sober Anne as he cuts a violent path through a seedy metropolis, trying to understand the strange luck that plagues him.
Sober Anne is handicapped by more than an embarrassing name. He suffers from luck the way that others suffer from a disease. Things happen to him, some of them good, some of them bad and all of them bizarre. He survives car crashes, riots, and gangs of gun-toting self-styled vampires. He finds himself on a dark journey to discover the nature of his luck, seeking the advice of millionaire pornographers, quantum physicist call-girls, and a man so lucky that death itself can’t catch him. Along the way he is recruited by a sentient super computer to steal the funniest software known to man, and the job allows him to live out his darker urges. Very Nearly Fabulous has a sweet and eccentric center covered in a layer of delicious dark humor.
I am currently seeking representation for all manner of fiction work. Recently my short stories have been published in The American Drivel Review and Prick of The Spindle. I was a winner of the 1998 Young Playwrights Project and my work has been performed at the distinguished Old Globe Theatre in San Diego. I worked for two years as a staff writer for a small Pulitzer Publishing owned newspaper. I have a screenplay entitled Strange Angel currently in production with a small independent film production company in Los Angeles.
The completed novel Very Nearly Fabulous is 79,000 words and it is available upon request. I very much look forward to hearing from you and I thank you for your time.
Respectfully,
James Bezerra
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One of the things that I should be doing is whoring out a little more – as a writer I mean. Why, what did you think I meant? – I should be submitting more and I should be stalking agents. Plainly, I should just be trying more.
In that vein of thought, I pulled up an old query letter for a novel that I wrote a million years ago. I am going to start toying with it again (the novel and the query letter), but read the below first draft of my query and tell me that this doesn’t sound like a book that you would like to read.
(BTW, a query letter is just a quick synopsis of you and your book that you send out to agents and publishers)
***
DEAR AWESOME AGENT PERSON
Set in a world both strange and strangely contemporary, my novel Very Nearly Fabulous follows the kinetic Sober Anne as he cuts a violent path through a seedy metropolis, trying to understand the strange luck that plagues him.
Sober Anne is handicapped by more than an embarrassing name. He suffers from luck the way that others suffer from a disease. Things happen to him, some of them good, some of them bad and all of them bizarre. He survives car crashes, riots, and gangs of gun-toting self-styled vampires. He finds himself on a dark journey to discover the nature of his luck, seeking the advice of millionaire pornographers, quantum physicist call-girls, and a man so lucky that death itself can’t catch him. Along the way he is recruited by a sentient super computer to steal the funniest software known to man, and the job allows him to live out his darker urges. Very Nearly Fabulous has a sweet and eccentric center covered in a layer of delicious dark humor.
I am currently seeking representation for all manner of fiction work. Recently my short stories have been published in The American Drivel Review and Prick of The Spindle. I was a winner of the 1998 Young Playwrights Project and my work has been performed at the distinguished Old Globe Theatre in San Diego. I worked for two years as a staff writer for a small Pulitzer Publishing owned newspaper. I have a screenplay entitled Strange Angel currently in production with a small independent film production company in Los Angeles.
The completed novel Very Nearly Fabulous is 79,000 words and it is available upon request. I very much look forward to hearing from you and I thank you for your time.
Respectfully,
James Bezerra
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Tuesday, September 28, 2010
New Short Screenplay!
The other day I wrote a short screenplay. It is cute and sweet to the point of bordering on saccharin, but I actually think it is pretty good. It has just a dash of Le Ballon rouge, a pinch of Don Quixote, a whole spoonful of arcane fairytale.
Also, for you screenplay types out there: Yes, I know it isn’t properly formatted, but I wanted it to be blog friendly (I wrote it in Celtx, so suck it).
Please enjoy.
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Also, for you screenplay types out there: Yes, I know it isn’t properly formatted, but I wanted it to be blog friendly (I wrote it in Celtx, so suck it).
Please enjoy.
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The Unfinished Fairy Tale by james Bezerra
The Unfinished Fairy Tale
by james Bezerra
Scene 1. EXT. DAY. The Desert.
The wide high desert sprawls empty and desolate. A patchwork of brown brush and barrenness all the way to a distant range of ominous, unforgiving mountains.
Across the bottom of the shot the tussled black hair of a small boy enters. This is LITTLE MAN, trailing behind his head is a bright red balloon. It seems so big and it blocks out the desert beyond.
Little Man and his tussled hair and balloon pause here for a moment, then walk on, out of the shot.
CUT TO:
An expansively and desperately wide shot of Little Man walking along the side of the road, his balloon trailing after him.
CLOSE UP:
His forehead is sweaty, but his little face, soft and pretty, like a girl's, is undaunted.
LITTLE MAN walks and walks and walks.
A car speeds by on the road and a plastic bag of trash is tossed from the window. The bag flies open and a flutter of colorful trash explodes in the air in front of him.
He pauses and surveys the litter as it settles to the ground. There is a dirty red towel which he picks up, shakes out and drapes over him like a cape. He searches some more. In amongst all of it he sees a 2-liter bottle that has been cut in half, as if for a gravity bong. He considers it. He picks it up and places it on his head proudly like a knight's helmet. He smiles. He walks on.
SCENE 2. EXT. DAY. The Outcropping. (Continuous)
Little Man stands at the edge of a rocky outcropping overlooking the vast desert below. He gazes out over the openness and a single, giant wind turbine. It spins and spins and he makes faces at it as thought it is his adversary.
Swiftly he raises a gnarled stick at it as if the stick is his sword and he is to be feared.
Scene 3. EXT. Day. The Desert House.
The house is old and long past its prime but might once have been beautiful. There is a small and messy yard littered with children's toys. There is no fence. At a plastic table sits a small red-headed girl. Her name is DULCINEA. She is wearing a pointed dunce cap with the words: TIME OUT hand written on it. She is bored and not happy at all, her precociousness clearly bottled up. She is clearly in time out.
Little Man can be seen approaching along the side of the road with his balloon. He cuts purposefully into the yard and approaches to inspect Dulcinea.
LITTLE MAN
I like your hat.
DULCINEA
Ssssssssh! I'm in time out.
LITTLE MAN
What's time out?
DULCINEA
It means your life is over. Don't talk to me.
LITTLE MAN
Why not?
DULCINEA
Because I'm in time out. I can't talk when I'm in time out.
LITTLE MAN
Oh... But I'm not in time out.
DULCINEA
So?
LITTLE MAN
So I can talk.
DULCINEA
Uuuuuugh. Fine.
LITTLE MAN
What's your name?
DULCINEA
Dulcinea.
LITTLE MAN
I like your hat.
DULCINEA
Well I think yours it pretty dumb.
The front door of the house flies open and out comes FRANK. He is clearly a grown-up, with his Keystone and cigarette and his sleeveless shirt emblazon with a dragon.
FRANK
Hey! Hey little man. Don't talk to her.
LITTLE MAN
Why?
FRANK
Because she's in time out.
LITTLE MAN
Why?
FRANK
Well that's none of your business. I don't have to tell you.
Little Man draws his gnarled stick sword and brandishes it at Frank.
LITTLE MAN
You better!
FRANK
YOU better watch it little man or I will put you in time out too.
LITTLE MAN
YOU can't put me in time out!
SCENE 4. DAY. EXT. The Desert House. (CONTINUOUS)
Little Man is sitting at the table with Dulcinea. His cape and helmet and stick have been taken away and he is also wearing a pointy time out cap. He is holding his red balloon in his lap.
Little Man glowers.
Dulcinea is giggling at him.
Little Man glowers more. At her.
Dulcinea only giggles more.
Little Man looks to the house, where Frank is sitting on the porch chuckling and yelling into a cell phone, empty Keystones spread out around him. At his feet are Little Man's cape, helmet and sword.
After a moment Little Man rises and marches defiantly at Frank, who looks down at him distractedly. Frank speaks into his phone.
FRANK
Yeah, yeah. Hold on just s second okay . . . Yes little man, you're in time out right now.
LITTLE MAN
It isn't fair that your so much bigger than me.
With that, Little Man stalks purposefully back to the table and sits.
Scene 5. Late Afternoon. EXT. The Desert House.
Frank his fallen asleep on the porch. An empty can of Keystone dangles from his hand. Little Man watches it. Finally Frank coughs a snore and the can falls to the ground, he doesn't wake.
Little Man is up and scurrying toward the porch. He carefully gathers his cape, puts it on with a flourish. He dons his helmet and grabs his stick sword. He races back to Dulcinea and grabs her hand.
LITTLE MAN
The dragon sleeps!
They run off along the empty road, the red balloon trailing after them.
Scene 6. Later Afternoon. EXT. The Outcropping.
Dulcinea and Little Man sit at the edge and look out across the distance at the wind turbine. They are sharing a crumbled pack of fruit snacks. The balloon hangs in the air next to them.
LITTLE MAN
So I rescued you.
DULCINEA
You didn't rescue me!
LITTLE MAN
Yes I did. I'm your prince.
DULCINEA
No!
LITTLE MAN
Yes! So now you have to be in love with me.
DULCINEA
That's dumb.
LITTLE MAN
Is not.
DULCINEA
Is too!
They eat fruit snacks for a moment, but finally she comes around.
DULCINEA
Fine.
Dulcinea leans in and gives him a peck on the cheek. They both immediately freak out at how gross this is and giggle.
A black pick-up growls up behind them and comes to a quick dusty stop. Frank hops out of it and rushes up to them.
FRANK
There you are! What the hell is wrong with you?
Little Man draws his stick sword, but Frank easily grabs it, snaps it in half and tosses it to the ground. Little Man is shocked that such a thing is possible.
Frank scoops up Dulcinea and starts carrying her back to the truck.
FRANK
You know I never wanted a kid in the first place ...
LITTLE MAN
Hey! Come back here!
DULCINEA
I love you my prince!
Frank tosses her into the truck and they speed off, throwing a thick cloud of dust into the air.
PUSH in through the cloud of dirt to little man on the other side, shoulders slumped, but defiant.
LITTLE MAN
They never learn.
He walks to where his stick lies broken and picks up both pieces. He marches out to the road. He presses the two halves of the stick together and raises it above his head like Excalibur itself. He howls:
LITTLE MAN
Looooooove!
Finally, he lowers his sword and shakes his head.
LITTLE MAN
It's going to be a really long walk though.
Little Men starts dutifully walking up the road as Frank's truck disappears into the distance.
The balloon bobbles along above him as he pursues them.
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that very cool picture was respectfully borrowed form corbis images
Scarlett Johansson Loves Me.
Fashion for the Literati.
So I know that you know that my birthday is coming up soon (although I am past the age when these things are fun to talk about), but if you were inclined to get me something awesome, perhaps consider these t-shirts with out-of-print book covers on them.
outofprintclothing.com
This link is lifted from dearest Jennica’s facebook page. Thanks Jennica!
outofprintclothing.com
This link is lifted from dearest Jennica’s facebook page. Thanks Jennica!
Just as Melville Intended . . .
This commercial came up the other day in conversation with some of my dashing and literate friends, so I wanted to post it here because we were all so impressed with what a good commercial it is.
See, even if you're whoring for Blackberry and AT&T, you can still do work that transcends just the bare necessity of schlock advertising (do I sound like a pretentious douche yet? No? Did I mention it is basically a commercial about Moby Dick? Which I have read? NOW do I sound like a pretentious douche?)
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Park Better.
I came across this on stumbleupon.com and it is clearly from someone’s Flickr, but I can’t tell whose.
It is awesome either way.
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It is awesome either way.
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Google Doppelganger.
So since I have this fancy blog, I sometimes google myself on the google machine (what? You’ve done it too) because I want to make sure that I exist as a writer somewhere.
Well, I do.
I am quite proud of this.
I would be prouder still were it not for the fact that I have a google doppelganger named James Bezerra. I have come across the likes of him before. He is out there trying to eat up my google space.
From what I gather he lives in Brazil and while I believe that he has a full head of hair (I have google imaged him too), he is not nearly as cool as I am. Obviously.
I only bring it up because it would appear that he is prominently featured in
this article, which is entirely in Spansh and therefore unintelligible to me (thanks a lot two-years-of-Spanish-in-high-school).
Do any of you read Spanish? Could you tell me what this guy is up to? I think that he has been appointed Secretary of Infrastructure or something.
Though I like to think that in the article he is complaining that there’s some jackass American blogger stealing his google thunder. I mean, how much must it suck if you were recently appointed Secretary of Infrastructure and your mom goes to google you because she is so proud of you and she comes across a blog where someone is ranting about how how chinchillas are so much better than rabbits because chinchillas can float, read minds and start fires by rubbing their tiny feet together?
That's true about chinchillas, BTW.
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Well, I do.
I am quite proud of this.
I would be prouder still were it not for the fact that I have a google doppelganger named James Bezerra. I have come across the likes of him before. He is out there trying to eat up my google space.
From what I gather he lives in Brazil and while I believe that he has a full head of hair (I have google imaged him too), he is not nearly as cool as I am. Obviously.
I only bring it up because it would appear that he is prominently featured in
this article, which is entirely in Spansh and therefore unintelligible to me (thanks a lot two-years-of-Spanish-in-high-school).
Do any of you read Spanish? Could you tell me what this guy is up to? I think that he has been appointed Secretary of Infrastructure or something.
Though I like to think that in the article he is complaining that there’s some jackass American blogger stealing his google thunder. I mean, how much must it suck if you were recently appointed Secretary of Infrastructure and your mom goes to google you because she is so proud of you and she comes across a blog where someone is ranting about how how chinchillas are so much better than rabbits because chinchillas can float, read minds and start fires by rubbing their tiny feet together?
That's true about chinchillas, BTW.
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A New Short Story!
Below is a piece of writing from a little while ago (so it is kind of like I’m cheating by posting it, but what do you care? You haven’t read it before.) I always thought that it was kinda fun, in an end-of-civilization kind of way.
It is from the future!
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It is from the future!
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An Open Letter from the Future by james Bezerra
An Open Letter from the Future
by james Bezerra
There are a host of things for which we would like to apologize.
Right away we would like to apologize for initially angering so much the giant, pink space robots who would eventually become the overlords of the human race. In retrospect, we probably should have been more polite.
More generally though, we would like to apologize for the egregious manner in which we so thoroughly squandered your good will, hope, and potential, in all of their forms. Sadly, as much as you mean to, we never did get around to curbing those greenhouse gasses, harnessing the power of the wind and sun, or separating once and for all our churches and our states. We know that you are genuinely concerned about passing your polluted present onto your children, so please take some small solace in the fact that we – your children – are not encumbered by such heavy concerns of our own, given the fact we have all been sterilized by our pink robot overlords.
As we live out our final days on this flooded planet – devoid as it now is of ice caps – we have some time to reflect – when not working for the overlords in the silicon mines – on what we might have done differently.
For instance, we probably should not have spent so much time, effort, and money bombing poor people of different nationalities. We have come to an informal agreement – Jews, Muslims, Hindis, Christians, Americans, Iranians, Russians, Peruvians, etc. – that if we could go back and do it all over, we would settle conflicts of every size with cotton candy eating contests. Perhaps you still have time to enact this revision!
We all also agree that perhaps we resorted to that big thermonuclear war too quickly and enthusiastically. We have now all come to agree that all those detonations probably attracted the attention of pink overlords in the first place and caused them to set a course to our little blue world.
In retrospect, had we just been nicer to one another, listened to one another, and shared our resources rather than fought thermonuclear wars over them, perhaps we would not be in these dire straights. Perhaps you might want to enact those revisions as well. Perhaps you can still change the trajectory of your collective fate. If that is too much to ask however, then please just take this other, more simple, advice: be polite to the giant, pink space robots when they arrive. What they lack in humanity, they make up for in reciprocity.
To sum up, we are sincerely sorry that we made such a mess of your future. We hope that looking forward to a bleak, awful and dystopic future does not sap you of the ability to lead happy lives. If it does, we apologize for that too.
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Spray On Clothes! And UFOs are Trying to Kill Us.
So I have told you this before, but one of my favorite places to troll on the internet is the Oddly Enough section of Reuters.
The other day on my lunch I was reading along on my phone and I came across this one, which I think is a real winner: Spray-on clothes unveiled on chemistry lab catwalk.
Yeah, that's right, spay on clothes.
Think about how much this is going to feed my fetish for packing light for trips!
And if foward leaps of fashion aren't something that interest you, then there is always this article about how UFOs have been messing with our nuclear weaposn and no one wants to talk about it.
(This is a picture of a UFO messing with our nuclear deterrent.)
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The other day on my lunch I was reading along on my phone and I came across this one, which I think is a real winner: Spray-on clothes unveiled on chemistry lab catwalk.
Yeah, that's right, spay on clothes.
Think about how much this is going to feed my fetish for packing light for trips!
And if foward leaps of fashion aren't something that interest you, then there is always this article about how UFOs have been messing with our nuclear weaposn and no one wants to talk about it.
(This is a picture of a UFO messing with our nuclear deterrent.)
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Break-up 2.0
So dear blog, it looks like it’s just you and me again.
Not to make too much of it, but the Ex and I tried to work things out over the last few weeks and it recently came to a fantastically awful climax recently and now, it appears, it is finally and completely over.
I don’t want to say too much because I don’t want it to be like I’m picking an internet fight (if I wanted to do that, I’d post the withering text messages I received today).
I just want to make this little post so that I can mark this moment in time. So that I can remember the day.
You, fearless reader, should get ready for some gloomy posts over the course of the next … well, over the course of the rest of my lonely life I suppose.
So you have that too look forward to.
Someone told me once that heartache is like seasickness, you think you’re going to die, but everyone else just thinks it’s funny. I can’t promise that it will be funny.
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Not to make too much of it, but the Ex and I tried to work things out over the last few weeks and it recently came to a fantastically awful climax recently and now, it appears, it is finally and completely over.
I don’t want to say too much because I don’t want it to be like I’m picking an internet fight (if I wanted to do that, I’d post the withering text messages I received today).
I just want to make this little post so that I can mark this moment in time. So that I can remember the day.
You, fearless reader, should get ready for some gloomy posts over the course of the next … well, over the course of the rest of my lonely life I suppose.
So you have that too look forward to.
Someone told me once that heartache is like seasickness, you think you’re going to die, but everyone else just thinks it’s funny. I can’t promise that it will be funny.
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Saturday, September 25, 2010
Some Words and What I Remember About Them.
Some words I like and where I first encountered them.
Ensorcelled
To enchant or bewitch. I had never heard this word until it was used on The West Wing by Bradley Whitford’s character Josh Lyman. Of course, Aaron Sorkin wrote the wrote into Josh’s mouth and – as is his style – he used it like a diamond and then tossed it off, with nary a moment’s thought. That small, singular moment of glimmering is what language can do best. It only lasts for just the second, but that second can burn with the heat of a nova if the chemistry of words is in the right order. Anyway, I was bewitched by this word. Speaking of which . . .
Ephemeral
Lasting a very short time. This is one of those words that seems to come up every day when you’re an English mjor but which is never encountered out in the wide wilds of the world. While it is only meant to describe something as fleeting, I have always understood it to imply a grandness and a sadness all at once. As if in describing something this way, we are remarking on how saddened we are to see it go.
Cloying
My Ex, Violet, used this word in an email once and I had to rush to a dictionary. She was describing herself and her fear that she was being cloying, but simply by using the word, it made me love her more. That was back in the good old days.
Autodidact
A self-taught person. I first heard this word in Professor Martin Pousson’s class at CSU Northridge (Pousson is a phenomenon of nature in and of himself, both flamboyantly and badassedly gay all at once, he invents his own paradigm). He used this word to describe Jorge Luis Borges and when I heard it I felt like I had finallt been given a proper Christian name. I used to make the lame English Department joke that I was an autodidact but I had to go back to school to learn that word.
One-off
One of a kind or limited to a single time. One of my bosses at work has a habit of saying this when she is talking about something unique and since I had never heard it before this job, I had no fucking idea what the hell she was talking about. Unfortunately there is a part of my brain that thinks it would be rude to be all, “What the hell are you trying to say right now?” Apparently its derivation is wrapped up in English slang. Anyway, I use it all the time now.
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Ensorcelled
To enchant or bewitch. I had never heard this word until it was used on The West Wing by Bradley Whitford’s character Josh Lyman. Of course, Aaron Sorkin wrote the wrote into Josh’s mouth and – as is his style – he used it like a diamond and then tossed it off, with nary a moment’s thought. That small, singular moment of glimmering is what language can do best. It only lasts for just the second, but that second can burn with the heat of a nova if the chemistry of words is in the right order. Anyway, I was bewitched by this word. Speaking of which . . .
Ephemeral
Lasting a very short time. This is one of those words that seems to come up every day when you’re an English mjor but which is never encountered out in the wide wilds of the world. While it is only meant to describe something as fleeting, I have always understood it to imply a grandness and a sadness all at once. As if in describing something this way, we are remarking on how saddened we are to see it go.
Cloying
My Ex, Violet, used this word in an email once and I had to rush to a dictionary. She was describing herself and her fear that she was being cloying, but simply by using the word, it made me love her more. That was back in the good old days.
Autodidact
A self-taught person. I first heard this word in Professor Martin Pousson’s class at CSU Northridge (Pousson is a phenomenon of nature in and of himself, both flamboyantly and badassedly gay all at once, he invents his own paradigm). He used this word to describe Jorge Luis Borges and when I heard it I felt like I had finallt been given a proper Christian name. I used to make the lame English Department joke that I was an autodidact but I had to go back to school to learn that word.
One-off
One of a kind or limited to a single time. One of my bosses at work has a habit of saying this when she is talking about something unique and since I had never heard it before this job, I had no fucking idea what the hell she was talking about. Unfortunately there is a part of my brain that thinks it would be rude to be all, “What the hell are you trying to say right now?” Apparently its derivation is wrapped up in English slang. Anyway, I use it all the time now.
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Reading Out Loud, Or Not.
Lately I have been missing more and more crawling into bed with my Ex at the end of a long day and reading to her. She used to let me read out loud from whatever book I was reading at the moment and she would fall asleep with her head on my shoulder and her arm draped absently but tightly across my chest. I don’t know that I have ever felt that close to someone before and I miss it quite a lot on nights like this when I am sitting up at one in the morning with no sleep in sight and a stack of books sitting next to my bed.
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Friday, September 24, 2010
Niche Dating.
So I don’t go out to bars that much and, although I live on the outskirts of Los Angeles, I am pitifully uninformed when it comes to strange and fetishistic goings on in the world of niche dating.
However my roommate Clementine (still test-driving blog names for her) has informed me that apparently there exists in the world a little subset of Catholic girls who chase and lust after would-be priests.
That’s right, there are seminary-student groupies.
That seems odd, right?
Odd, but also kind of loyal and almost pious somehow?
It reeks of some sort of daddy-complex if you ask me, but I think that this phenomenon, while bizarre, will make for a pretty good porn film one day (if it hasn’t already).
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Paradigm/Heart-breaker.
So this is only tangentially related to the (rather thoughtful and possibly even earnest) post below, but the young Albert Einstein was kind of a looker, right?
Sure, maybe he broke some fundamental rules out our understanding of physics, space and time, but I bet he broke a few hearts along the way too, you know what I’m saying?
Actually, I that’s probably not true. I think that he married his cousin or something, but whatever.
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Sure, maybe he broke some fundamental rules out our understanding of physics, space and time, but I bet he broke a few hearts along the way too, you know what I’m saying?
Actually, I that’s probably not true. I think that he married his cousin or something, but whatever.
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Everything That Rises.
So I want to share this.
I recently, randomly checked a bunch of books out of the library and one of them is called “EVERTHING THAT RISES: A BOOK OF CONVERGENCES”. Now I was an English major, but I still didn’t know what the hell that meant, but it is a very pretty book and so I took the thing home with me.
This is one of those rare instances in life when that which is at first purely aesthetically pleasing reveals itself to be not only surprisingly deep and meaningful, but ultimately intimidating profound (this - BTW – is exactly the experience that all of my narcissistic first-person male narrators keep having with women in my stories, but I will save that discussion for my shrink).
Anyway, I’m a smart and funny and mildly attractive man so of course I am spending my Friday night sitting on the balcony drinking wine and reading library books (natch) and I open this book to a random essay and start reading and it is a profound little piece about how when Albert Einstein was working in that Austrian patent office as a young man, how the technical endeavor of the moment was finding a way to precisely measure time.
With out universalized cell phone time and out GPS and nuclear clocks, we tend to forget that it was once very hard to stand in Vienna and know exactly what time it was in Beijing. Or, more to the point, it was difficult for a guy at a train station in Omaha to know what the hell time the train was going to show up if the train was on New York time.
The point that the author of the piece is trying to make is that of course Einstein was thinking about “simultaneousness” across great distances (which is a big part of the Theory of Relativity) because he spent all fricken’ day looking at patents that were attempting to measure exactly that.
Does that make sense?
And then it clicked and I understood what the hell this book is about. It is about “convergences”, just like it said on the cover.
I will give you a much better example that Lawrence Wescher used in the introduction (Wescher, it turns out, wrote all of the pieces in this book. For some reason I had initially assumed that they were by different authors. Anyway, this guy is way the hell smarter than anyone you have ever met.) He invokes a man named John Berger who wrote about the (apparently) infamous photo of Che Guevara’s corpse. Wescher described the photo, “Che’s corpse, gruesomely splayed out like that for public display, his military captors proudly arrayed alongside”.
I had never seen this photo and so I hopped on the google machine and here it is:
Then Wescher goes on (to paraphrase Berger) and explain that this photo is reminiscent of something. It is reminiscent of Rembrandt’s famous painting Anatomy Lesson (which I have seen before, thank you very much).
Wescher explains of Berger’s idea, “And of course he’s right: that’s undoubtedly the image (hot-wired, as it were, into all their brains) that taught all of the strutting officers how to pose in relation to their prize, and taught the photographer where to plant his camera in relation to his subjects.”
This is the point at which my mind melted a little bit and I fell in love with this book (you can expect to get a copy for your birthday, BTW). The point isn’t that these people were purposely or intentionally or even knowingly recreating something else, but rather that they were unconsciously doing what they thought they were supposed to, almost as if they were unconsciously playing the part in which they had been cast.
What is fascinating about these pictures, and about this entire book, is that when these convergences are identified, they seem so obvious that I feel like an idiot for never having seen them before.
I mean, OF COURSE Einstein had time and distance on his mind, that’s what he had to spend his whole day thinking about.
I have always believed that life and the world are beautiful not because of the jagged, chaotic randomness, but because of the strange, serpentine, half-invisible interconnectedness. This book is not a book, so much as it is a of map connections, the same way that the map of the living brain would be a snapshot of synapses firing off effimeral bolts of lightning.
In other words, it is a catalog of the connections we can find. It is an all-too-brief collection of moments of real understanding. And those moments of understanding make the whole of existence seem comprehendible and, somehow, delicately beautiful at the same time.
Anyway, it is a good book. You should go check it out from your library.
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I recently, randomly checked a bunch of books out of the library and one of them is called “EVERTHING THAT RISES: A BOOK OF CONVERGENCES”. Now I was an English major, but I still didn’t know what the hell that meant, but it is a very pretty book and so I took the thing home with me.
This is one of those rare instances in life when that which is at first purely aesthetically pleasing reveals itself to be not only surprisingly deep and meaningful, but ultimately intimidating profound (this - BTW – is exactly the experience that all of my narcissistic first-person male narrators keep having with women in my stories, but I will save that discussion for my shrink).
Anyway, I’m a smart and funny and mildly attractive man so of course I am spending my Friday night sitting on the balcony drinking wine and reading library books (natch) and I open this book to a random essay and start reading and it is a profound little piece about how when Albert Einstein was working in that Austrian patent office as a young man, how the technical endeavor of the moment was finding a way to precisely measure time.
With out universalized cell phone time and out GPS and nuclear clocks, we tend to forget that it was once very hard to stand in Vienna and know exactly what time it was in Beijing. Or, more to the point, it was difficult for a guy at a train station in Omaha to know what the hell time the train was going to show up if the train was on New York time.
The point that the author of the piece is trying to make is that of course Einstein was thinking about “simultaneousness” across great distances (which is a big part of the Theory of Relativity) because he spent all fricken’ day looking at patents that were attempting to measure exactly that.
Does that make sense?
And then it clicked and I understood what the hell this book is about. It is about “convergences”, just like it said on the cover.
I will give you a much better example that Lawrence Wescher used in the introduction (Wescher, it turns out, wrote all of the pieces in this book. For some reason I had initially assumed that they were by different authors. Anyway, this guy is way the hell smarter than anyone you have ever met.) He invokes a man named John Berger who wrote about the (apparently) infamous photo of Che Guevara’s corpse. Wescher described the photo, “Che’s corpse, gruesomely splayed out like that for public display, his military captors proudly arrayed alongside”.
I had never seen this photo and so I hopped on the google machine and here it is:
Then Wescher goes on (to paraphrase Berger) and explain that this photo is reminiscent of something. It is reminiscent of Rembrandt’s famous painting Anatomy Lesson (which I have seen before, thank you very much).
Wescher explains of Berger’s idea, “And of course he’s right: that’s undoubtedly the image (hot-wired, as it were, into all their brains) that taught all of the strutting officers how to pose in relation to their prize, and taught the photographer where to plant his camera in relation to his subjects.”
This is the point at which my mind melted a little bit and I fell in love with this book (you can expect to get a copy for your birthday, BTW). The point isn’t that these people were purposely or intentionally or even knowingly recreating something else, but rather that they were unconsciously doing what they thought they were supposed to, almost as if they were unconsciously playing the part in which they had been cast.
What is fascinating about these pictures, and about this entire book, is that when these convergences are identified, they seem so obvious that I feel like an idiot for never having seen them before.
I mean, OF COURSE Einstein had time and distance on his mind, that’s what he had to spend his whole day thinking about.
I have always believed that life and the world are beautiful not because of the jagged, chaotic randomness, but because of the strange, serpentine, half-invisible interconnectedness. This book is not a book, so much as it is a of map connections, the same way that the map of the living brain would be a snapshot of synapses firing off effimeral bolts of lightning.
In other words, it is a catalog of the connections we can find. It is an all-too-brief collection of moments of real understanding. And those moments of understanding make the whole of existence seem comprehendible and, somehow, delicately beautiful at the same time.
Anyway, it is a good book. You should go check it out from your library.
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Monday, September 20, 2010
I Have an IMDB Page!!!
That’s right bitches! At long last I have an IMDB page!
It is pretty sparse and more info about the movie is being added one little bit at a time, but there it is: it is like I’m a real person!
Check it out: HERE!!!
And if you're curious, here is the website for the movie.
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It is pretty sparse and more info about the movie is being added one little bit at a time, but there it is: it is like I’m a real person!
Check it out: HERE!!!
And if you're curious, here is the website for the movie.
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What Marks the Spot?
The “ ” key on my laptop does not seem to be working very well right now and so I am having to type “intercourse” instead of “se ” and “anti-entrance” instead of “e it” and “cleared of all charges” rather than “e onerated”.
When I am writing on this laptop in the future, never again will one of my characters get an “ –ray”, but rather an “MRI”, I suppose. Though, happily for those same characters, they will only ever be “really fucking tired” rather than “e hausted”.
I know that this is a silly post, but the key between “Z” and “C” really doesn’t seem to be working at all. I suppose that it is a good thing that I don’t write much about dinosaurs (because they are e tinct!).
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When I am writing on this laptop in the future, never again will one of my characters get an “ –ray”, but rather an “MRI”, I suppose. Though, happily for those same characters, they will only ever be “really fucking tired” rather than “e hausted”.
I know that this is a silly post, but the key between “Z” and “C” really doesn’t seem to be working at all. I suppose that it is a good thing that I don’t write much about dinosaurs (because they are e tinct!).
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The Emotional Rube Goldberg.
Recently I discovered that when I have a crap day (which I did today), I can make myself feel a little better by going to the library and wandering through the books and checking out some of the more interesting ones that I find (how do you like the length of THAT sentence, BTW?).
There are, I think, two reasons why this works. The first is that I really am interested in everything. I can find anything interesting. This is a 100% true fact about me, your humble blog host.
The second thing is better. One of my favorite movies is called “Zero Effect” and it is about the world’s greatest private detective (played by the always underappreciated Bill Pullman). At one point he is talking about how to look for something and he says something along the lines of, “When you go looking for one thing, it is very hard to find, because of all of the things in the world. But when you go looking for anything at all, it is very easy to find, because of all the things in the world.” This is how I feel when I go into the library with nothing on my mind except for getting everything off of my mind.
The last time I ended up with an illustrated “Gravity’s Rainbow”, a coffee table book of 1920s and 30s crime scene photography, a fun little novel by Chip Kidd called “The Cheese Monkeys”, a book of Polaroid photography and a PJ Harvey CD.
This time I scored even better because I ended up with “Making Pictures: A Century of European Cinematography”, a nonfiction called “Flower Confidential” by Amy Stewart which appears to be about the international flower industry, something called “”Everything that Rises: A Book of Convergences” by one Lawrence Weschler which is about … well, I don’t really know yet but it has a lot of pretty picture in it. There’s also “The End is Near!” which seems to be a collection of really bad art about the end of the world, Michael Chabon’s book “Maps and Legends” which I think is a collection of travel essay or something (it has a beautiful jacket but because it is from the library the jacket is taped on in such a way that one can’t actually read what it says), a novel called “The Anarchist” by John Smolens, it seems to be the fictionalization of the assassination of President William McKinley by Leon Czolgosz (who, of course, you and I both remember from the world’s most bad-ass, it-is-okay-to-love-it-even-if-you’re-a-man-and-a-lumberjack musical “Assasins”). The last book is called “Rube Goldberg vs. The Machine Age”. It is a musky old coffee table book collection of Rube Goldberg comics. To know Mister Goldberg’s work is to love him and if you don’t know him, you should google him right now. He is known for drawings of incredibly elaborate contraptions that accomplish very mundane tasks. If you ever played the board game Mousetrap when you were a kid, then you have built a Rube Goldberg-esque device. Or if you ever saw the movie “Blown Away” with Tommy Lee Jones and Jeff Bridges, then you know that the bomb that blows up the ship is a deadly Rube Goldberg.
The point of all this is that I found a little gem of a phrase when I read the flap of the Goldberg book (hey, what do you think a book would look like if we let him make it?) and that little sparkling gem was one of the only things that made me smile today. The flap references “a dictionary” and says that a Rube Goldberg is defined as, “(1) a fantastically complicated, improvised appearance; (2) deviously complex and impractical.”
How perfect a definition is that for any of our lives? Or maybe just mine?
I love very much “deviously complex AND impractical”. It says so much yet uses so much economy! (“so much economy” is probably an oxymoron, right?).
So I suppose you can expect to see the song “Deviously Complex and Impractical” on my band's next album. It will be a song with a bass line that is hard to love, but a hook that makes you dream it.
And seriously, go google “Rube Goldberg” right now, he is delightful.
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Your Mom is a False Correlative!
So My Brother the Kinesiologist had his first statistics class today and his professor gave out some extra credit and so he called me because – although I am a writer – I quite enjoyed statistics and there was a while when I wouldn’t shut the hell up about it.
I thought that you might enjoy mulling over the etra credit question. I don’t know what the answer is, BTW, so this whole post is really just an exercise in disappointment (much like my love life).
Anyway, the professor gave them this link to a CNN story titled “Love makes teen sex less academically harmful, study says” and the extra credit question is: read the article and figure out what is wrong with the title.
Here’s a hint, it is NOT that the title is awkwardly worded and that the editor who came up with it should be chastised. Feel free to give it you best guess. Mine is down below.
If you want to send your suggestions to My Brother the Kinesiologist, then send me your email and I will send you his. I will also send you his social security number, if you want it.
*** My guess: the title implies a correlation between teen sex and poor academic performance and that ALL teen sex is academically harmful, but that “romantic” teen sex is less harmful. The article, however, seems to use virgins as the control group and does not make the case that “romantic” teen sex is harmful, only that the non-loving “hook up” kind is. I believe that is called a false correlative.
So put that in your pipe and smoke it, My Brother the Kinesiologit’s professor!
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I thought that you might enjoy mulling over the etra credit question. I don’t know what the answer is, BTW, so this whole post is really just an exercise in disappointment (much like my love life).
Anyway, the professor gave them this link to a CNN story titled “Love makes teen sex less academically harmful, study says” and the extra credit question is: read the article and figure out what is wrong with the title.
Here’s a hint, it is NOT that the title is awkwardly worded and that the editor who came up with it should be chastised. Feel free to give it you best guess. Mine is down below.
If you want to send your suggestions to My Brother the Kinesiologist, then send me your email and I will send you his. I will also send you his social security number, if you want it.
*** My guess: the title implies a correlation between teen sex and poor academic performance and that ALL teen sex is academically harmful, but that “romantic” teen sex is less harmful. The article, however, seems to use virgins as the control group and does not make the case that “romantic” teen sex is harmful, only that the non-loving “hook up” kind is. I believe that is called a false correlative.
So put that in your pipe and smoke it, My Brother the Kinesiologit’s professor!
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Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Fighting that Dying Light, Again.
Oh dear blog, I am so sorry that I have been so absent as of late. I have been busy in ways that I will probably be telling you about soon. All I want to tell you now is that sleep beckons and that I am going to try to sleep in my bed tonight. I haven’t done that in awhile. Most nights when I’m home I can’t bring myself to crawl into bed. I stay up as late as I can stand watching the History channel until I can feel my eyes drying out and then – blessedly – I fall asleep at some point.
The thing is that I haven’t been doing very well lately. Life is punctuated with these little flashes of wonderful, but in between there are wide gray zones. If you like hyperbole, image that savagely tilled no mans land between French and German lines with WWI cannon fire bursting bright like the sun on either side. That, minus the savagery (usually) is kinda what my gray stretches are like lately.
I think that I don’t feel like I’m making much forward momentum through life right now. Most days – at about this time of night anyway – start to feel like failures. Small, 24-hour-long failures and I think that there is some soft and deranged part of my brain that thinks that crawling alone into bed is a kind of acceptance of the failing. So the only small protest that I can manage is refusing to go to bed. So I am up, alone with the demons of my ego (did I tell you that I was hanging out with my EX recently and in her car I found some old internet print-outs about how to tell if you are dating a narcissist? That felt good).
The point in all this is that I am going to try to crawl into my bed soon. Or rather, onto my bed. I almost never sleep under the covers. I have a couple of blankets and I use those. I sleep on the bed. Seldom do I sleep in it. Does that make me some weird kind of ascetic? Probably not. They say that John The Baptist lived on wasps. That guy was a fucking ascetic.
Don’t let me convince you that life is awful; it really isn’t, it just somehow always feels that way this time of night.
Part of my mind right now tells me that I sound be raging against the dying of the light and that I should have refusal running through me just like I do thick hot blood and cancer potential, but the other part of me is just tired.
I think that tonight the tired is going to win.
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The thing is that I haven’t been doing very well lately. Life is punctuated with these little flashes of wonderful, but in between there are wide gray zones. If you like hyperbole, image that savagely tilled no mans land between French and German lines with WWI cannon fire bursting bright like the sun on either side. That, minus the savagery (usually) is kinda what my gray stretches are like lately.
I think that I don’t feel like I’m making much forward momentum through life right now. Most days – at about this time of night anyway – start to feel like failures. Small, 24-hour-long failures and I think that there is some soft and deranged part of my brain that thinks that crawling alone into bed is a kind of acceptance of the failing. So the only small protest that I can manage is refusing to go to bed. So I am up, alone with the demons of my ego (did I tell you that I was hanging out with my EX recently and in her car I found some old internet print-outs about how to tell if you are dating a narcissist? That felt good).
The point in all this is that I am going to try to crawl into my bed soon. Or rather, onto my bed. I almost never sleep under the covers. I have a couple of blankets and I use those. I sleep on the bed. Seldom do I sleep in it. Does that make me some weird kind of ascetic? Probably not. They say that John The Baptist lived on wasps. That guy was a fucking ascetic.
Don’t let me convince you that life is awful; it really isn’t, it just somehow always feels that way this time of night.
Part of my mind right now tells me that I sound be raging against the dying of the light and that I should have refusal running through me just like I do thick hot blood and cancer potential, but the other part of me is just tired.
I think that tonight the tired is going to win.
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A Warning For My Mom.
So awhile ago some friends of a friend were trying to launch an internet sketch comedy show and it was casually suggested to me by my friend Mike The Director that I should do some writing for them. Well I did, though those guys never saw it because the whole thing ended up falling through. I was pretty bummed about this because I had a lot of fun doing the writing. I wrote the sketch below and sent it to Mike The Director and he later called me especially to tell me that I was demented and sick (in a good way).
If anybody reads this and wants to use it for something that is totally cool, just let me know.
WARNING: THE SKETCH BELOW IS NOT SUITABLE FOR YOU, MOM.
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If anybody reads this and wants to use it for something that is totally cool, just let me know.
WARNING: THE SKETCH BELOW IS NOT SUITABLE FOR YOU, MOM.
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Internet Sketch Comedy From Hell.
INT. A Bank Loan office. Day.
JIM is in a suit sitting behind a desk. MARY and JOSEPH enter and move to the desk to sit.
JIM
Hi! Hi! Good to see you again. Come on in.
JOSEPH
Thanks. How are you?
JIM
Good, good. And you?
MARY
We're good. Thanks.
JIM
Okay, well, let's get right down to business. I hear that you are having some second thoughts about the house.
MARY
We are . . .
JOSEPH
We love the house. We do ...
MARY
Yeah, but we just think that in this market we might be able to get more for our money.
JIM
Right, right. Well I understand that. It is a buyer's market.
MARY
Yeah ...
JIM
Well since you are being honest with me, I will be honest with you ...
MARY
O...kay?
JIM
I have a pretty severe drug habit ...
MARY
Oh.
JIM
Yeah, it's pretty bad. And I really need the signing bonus on this house.
MARY
Well ...
JIM
No, no. I'm not going to sugar coat it. I need this money, so I want to make you an offer and hopefully you will reconsider signing papers today.
MARY
Ummmm ...
JIM
Here is my offer:if you don't sign these papers right now, I am going to skull fuck a baby.
MARY
What!
JIM
Yeah. I will. I will fuck its soft little tiny face in.
JOSEPH
Oh my god!
JIM
Yeah, the little pink mouth, the innocent little eyes.The whole thing.
MARY
We are leaving! Come on Joe.
As they are getting up to leave Jim reaches under the desk and picks up a baby-carrier, which he sets on the desk. The baby makes sweet little baby noises. Joseph and Mary turn back.
MARY
Oh my god!
JIM
Yep, yep. I brought a baby. And as soon as you walk out that door I am going to skull fuck it straight to hell.
JOSEPH
What the fuck is wrong with you?
The baby starts to cry because Joseph is yelling.
JIM
Sssh. Ssh. Are they upsetting you? Are they? Can you say: please save me from having my face fucked in? Can you say that?
MARY
We will call the cops!
JIM
Or you could just buy this house.
MARY
Come on, we're leaving!
JIM
SKULL - FUCK - THIS - BABY.
JOSEPH
I think he's serious.
JIM
I am. Oh, look at how small and innocent it is. And how tight its eye sockets look.
JOSEPH
OKAY! Okay. Shit. We'll sign.
MARY
JOE!
JOSEPH
What do you want me to do?
Jim holds a pen out to JOSEPH.
JIM
Sign here. Good. And here. Here. Here. Oh, here too. And here. Here. And ... yeah, there too. Well, congratulations.
MARY
Fuck you!
JOSEPH
You're a sick fuck!
JIM
Do you guys want to keep this baby? I don't know what I will do with it now.
Mary grabs the baby carrier and rushes out, followed by Joseph.
Jim sits, opens the drawer of his desk and takes out a mirror and a plastic baggy filled with cocaine. He hums to himself as he empties some out onto the mirror.
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JIM is in a suit sitting behind a desk. MARY and JOSEPH enter and move to the desk to sit.
JIM
Hi! Hi! Good to see you again. Come on in.
JOSEPH
Thanks. How are you?
JIM
Good, good. And you?
MARY
We're good. Thanks.
JIM
Okay, well, let's get right down to business. I hear that you are having some second thoughts about the house.
MARY
We are . . .
JOSEPH
We love the house. We do ...
MARY
Yeah, but we just think that in this market we might be able to get more for our money.
JIM
Right, right. Well I understand that. It is a buyer's market.
MARY
Yeah ...
JIM
Well since you are being honest with me, I will be honest with you ...
MARY
O...kay?
JIM
I have a pretty severe drug habit ...
MARY
Oh.
JIM
Yeah, it's pretty bad. And I really need the signing bonus on this house.
MARY
Well ...
JIM
No, no. I'm not going to sugar coat it. I need this money, so I want to make you an offer and hopefully you will reconsider signing papers today.
MARY
Ummmm ...
JIM
Here is my offer:if you don't sign these papers right now, I am going to skull fuck a baby.
MARY
What!
JIM
Yeah. I will. I will fuck its soft little tiny face in.
JOSEPH
Oh my god!
JIM
Yeah, the little pink mouth, the innocent little eyes.The whole thing.
MARY
We are leaving! Come on Joe.
As they are getting up to leave Jim reaches under the desk and picks up a baby-carrier, which he sets on the desk. The baby makes sweet little baby noises. Joseph and Mary turn back.
MARY
Oh my god!
JIM
Yep, yep. I brought a baby. And as soon as you walk out that door I am going to skull fuck it straight to hell.
JOSEPH
What the fuck is wrong with you?
The baby starts to cry because Joseph is yelling.
JIM
Sssh. Ssh. Are they upsetting you? Are they? Can you say: please save me from having my face fucked in? Can you say that?
MARY
We will call the cops!
JIM
Or you could just buy this house.
MARY
Come on, we're leaving!
JIM
SKULL - FUCK - THIS - BABY.
JOSEPH
I think he's serious.
JIM
I am. Oh, look at how small and innocent it is. And how tight its eye sockets look.
JOSEPH
OKAY! Okay. Shit. We'll sign.
MARY
JOE!
JOSEPH
What do you want me to do?
Jim holds a pen out to JOSEPH.
JIM
Sign here. Good. And here. Here. Here. Oh, here too. And here. Here. And ... yeah, there too. Well, congratulations.
MARY
Fuck you!
JOSEPH
You're a sick fuck!
JIM
Do you guys want to keep this baby? I don't know what I will do with it now.
Mary grabs the baby carrier and rushes out, followed by Joseph.
Jim sits, opens the drawer of his desk and takes out a mirror and a plastic baggy filled with cocaine. He hums to himself as he empties some out onto the mirror.
.
.
.
.
A Definite Maybe.
Thursday, September 2, 2010
New Short Story!
Below is a very short, very odd little story that isn’t really a story at all. Although I guess it kinda is. (You gotta listen to the words, I guess. And see it develop. Aak, I have said too much!)
Enjoy.
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Enjoy.
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Our Netflix Queue by james bezerra
Our Netflix Queue
By James Bezerra
01 Strangers on a Train
02 The Conversation
03 Enchanted
04 Crazy Love
05 Breathless
06 Body Heat
07 The Romantic Age
08 Happiness
09 What Dreams May Come
10 The Proposal
11 A Very Long Engagement
12 Margot at the Wedding
13 Honeymoon in Vegas
14 Knocked Up
15 Parenthood
16 The Heart Is Deceitful Above All Things
17 The Other Woman
18 An Affair to Remember
19 Deep Throat
20 Sex, Lies, and Videotape
21 An Inconvenient Truth
22 Liar Liar
23 Exposed
24 Fight Club
25 Kramer vs. Kramer
26 Enough
27 Gone Baby Gone
28 Home Alone
29 Wristcutters: A love story
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By James Bezerra
01 Strangers on a Train
02 The Conversation
03 Enchanted
04 Crazy Love
05 Breathless
06 Body Heat
07 The Romantic Age
08 Happiness
09 What Dreams May Come
10 The Proposal
11 A Very Long Engagement
12 Margot at the Wedding
13 Honeymoon in Vegas
14 Knocked Up
15 Parenthood
16 The Heart Is Deceitful Above All Things
17 The Other Woman
18 An Affair to Remember
19 Deep Throat
20 Sex, Lies, and Videotape
21 An Inconvenient Truth
22 Liar Liar
23 Exposed
24 Fight Club
25 Kramer vs. Kramer
26 Enough
27 Gone Baby Gone
28 Home Alone
29 Wristcutters: A love story
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