What I’m Working On.

So I will admit it, I have been a moody little bitch lately. Luckily for those of you who actually know me, I don’t do things like – you know – genuinely express emotion, so you may not have noticed. Seriously, unless you read this blog (or maybe my Facebook updates) you would probably think that I am just a happy-dappy dandy. And you know what? A lot of the time I am, but that’s because I compartmentalize so well. I really do! I am airtight! I’m like a submarine of emotion. I have been reading a little about it on the internet though and – according to medical professionals, and stuff – this is not actually a good thing.

I want to say that I will try to not be that way, but I worry that I might be lying. I’m really not sure how else to get through the day. I mean, how do you get through a day of work when all you want to do is lay down and go to sleep until your life gets better? The only way that I know how to do it is to lock down those feelings and keep going. I’m sure that shrinks have a word for this.

Today is not that bad. But I am very much confused, emotionally right now. There is a lot going on in a lot of different area of my life and I just don’t know what to think about any of it. This is unusual for me. I really have spent a lot of my life (recently anyway) being super-focused on forward movement.

Right now though I just feel like I’m unsure what direction to head in. That is strange for me.

So by this point I’m sure that you have stopped reading this post because of how extremely boring and self-indulgent it is. So since it is just me here and I like the sound of my own words, I will carry on.

Basically I am in a soul-searching kind of place right now. Sure this is all residual break up stuff, but what better time to self-evaluate than a time like this? My biggest concern right now is that I will likely end up being single for a very long time. I always assumed that I was good at being in a relationship because I was basically always in one. This recent break up really damaged me in some fundamental ways and it has called into question a lot of the basic assumptions that I have always made about myself as a person. I think back on some of the stuff that was said and I read over some of the worst text messages (which I saved because I am a masochist or something) and I realize that a lot of the things she said about me are probably true. And these were not nice things.

And so now I am looking back at my life through this new lens and I’m realizing how awful I have been. There were times when I have been a terrible friend and a despicable boyfriend and an even more tragically bad husband. None of the things I’m realizing are over-the-top, they are all pretty small and subtle and low-key kinds of awful, but they seem to add up to a kind of wrenched and ugly whole and I’m not happy about it. But at the same time, I am trying to take ownership of it all.

Now I will pause here for a second and say that, yes, I know that there are people in the world way worse than me and that I am making a big deal out of what are, for the most part, pretty run-of-the-mill life experiences. However that does not make me feel any better about myself.

To sum it all up, I just feel like I have lost the plot of my life. I still have a lot of pain that I am trying to process and I am trying to do it on the go and I am trying to really enjoy the small moments of happy that life affords me right now and I am trying to figure out if there is a way to have people in my life in a meaningful way without completely poisoning them. Right now it seems like that is a pretty tall order, because I just feel like I’m toxic.

So anyway, that’s what I’m working on.


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