I Really Apologize For this One.

So rather than writing another cry-y, introspective-y, complain-y blog entry, I am going to take my complaints with the world and with life and put them in a blender and toss in some spices and cliches and present them to you in the style of an especially bad stand-up comedian.

Please enjoy, and remember to tip your waitress.

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So what’s the deal with ladies? Huh? How come they’re all crazy? Am I right?

They have the same reaction to logic that I do to whole milk! You know what I’m saying? Yeah you do.

How come they don’t call me, is what I’m asking you. The other day I gave this lady my number and she didn’t even call me. Like maybe she was too busy doing here hair or something! You know what I mean? It’s like she didn’t even appreciate the fact that I wrote my phone number on her bathroom mirror with my own blood. You know? Like she didn’t even care that I used my own blood! I did it because it’s way more special then using someone else’s! You know what I’m saying?

But I guess that men and ladies are just diff-er-ent, you know what I’m saying? Like when a lady sees a pair of shoes, she’s all like, “Eek! I totally want to buy those shoes!” but when a man sees a pair of shoes, he’s all like, “I don’t think that you could hunt a wild buffalo is shoes like that! And that’s what I do, I hunt wild buffalo, because I’m a man and that’s what we do!” Right! Let’s hear it men! Right? For hunting wild buffalo.

And you know what else? What’s the deal with airline food? It’s so – like – bad. Right? You know what I’m talking about. You do. YOU in the front row! Look at you! I don’t know if you’re a lady or … you know, a man. Right? I bet you like airline food. Although, you know, it has gotten a lot better. I was on Delta and they gave me some food and I ate some of it and I was all like, “This is not … this is not that bad? In fact I would eat this a lot, if it wasn’t thirty-six thousand feet up in the air. Am I right?

You know what else? What really grinds my gears? Not having anyone to hold at night, against me. Or against their will! Right? You know what I’m saying. Yeah.

That’s it. Thanks everybody.


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