Resigned to My Fate.

Resigned to My Fate

by james bezerra

I’m just fine

working in this coal mine.

Sure it is outrageously unhealthy

and my breathing is painful and rather phlemy,

but at least I’ll die in a short time!

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The Ladies Do Not Love My Yacht.

The Ladies Do Not Love My Yacht

by james bezerra

So when I was hitting on you

and I said I had a boat

I kind of already knew

that you assumed I meant one that would float …

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Sad Stories.

Sad Stories

by james bezerra

(After Patrick Park “Here We Are”)

I tell so many sad stories

that I have forgotten

how to listen

to sad stories that

aren’t mine.

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Yes, My Cat is Overweight, I Know.

Yes, My Cat is Overweight, I Know

by james bezerra

Regrettably, my veterinarian

thinks himself a comedian.

When I showed him my cat

he said, “What is that?”

And I replied, “Sir this is my feline.”

To which he exclaimed, “I think it is actually a bovine!”

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Why I Can Never Get a Second Date.

Why I Can Never Get a Second Date

by james bezerra

I’ll ask you to close your eyes

and I’ll sweetly kiss you on the nose,

while I quietly remove my clothes.

and then you’re in for a surprise!

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Music and Movies and SAT Problems.

This is how I know I hang out with like-minded people:

A friend of mine recently posed a question: Name the actor who is the equivalent of The Eagles. That is to say: who is highly esteemed due to a couple of large commercial successes, but whose career is otherwise lackluster in terms of actual quality.

To which I instantly replied, “Kevin Costner!”

And, of course, I was correct.

This has become a fun game that I like to play in my head, adding gradients and qualifiers to each new equivalent. Though the basic SAT question remains the same:

_____ is to music as _____ is to film.

For instance, I would suggest that: U2 is to music as Tom Cruise is to film.

Hugely iconic, with an inarguably popularly successful early career followed by later forays into bland, self-congratulatory “serious” work, and only ever any good anymore when not taking themselves quite so seriously.

You can argue with me about this one if you want (because it is a little more inside-baseball):

Green Day is to music as Spike Jonze is to film.

Meteorically famous as sub-culture outsider(s) whose talent developed over time and was allowed to do so because of a large popular fan base and whose later work (though mistakenly seen by some as “selling out”) is actually a maturation of the artist(s).

Steve Martin is to music as Eminem is to film.

Surprisingly good when given the chance, but he wouldn’t have gotten famous this way.

Norah Jones is to music as Anne Hathaway is to film.

Totally pleasant but otherwise irrelevant.

Kanye West is to music as Quentin Taratino is to film.

Hugely talented, but in desperate need of artistic parental supervision.

Liz Phair to music as Ice T is to film.

If the old you could see the new you, the old you would totally kick your ass.

Dave Navarro is to music as Bill Paxton is to film.

Somehow always in the right place at the right time to benefit from other people’s skill.

The Butthole Surfers are to music as Crispin Glover is to film.

You have sorta heard of them even though it is clear they don’t give a shit what you think.

Maroon 5 is to music as Ryan Gosling is to film.

You have to begrudgingly admit that there is real talent there, even though it kills you to say so.

Nickelback is to music as Brett Ratner is to film.

Their commercial success shakes your faith in humanity.

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I will Love You Forever-ish.

I will Love You Forever-ish

by james bezerra

You were lovely

when I first met you.

You were lovelier still

when I first kissed you.

So can you blame my lack of will

to simply love you still

when you stopped being quite so lovely?

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