A Little Birdie Told Me.

Last night while watching the Oscars I started to get bored somewhere around the fourteenth appearance of the cast of “Chicago” and so I set up a Twitter account from my phone. Should you care, it is called @standardkink (though I’m no exactly sure if that means anything because I have not yet figured out how Twitter works.

Here are my initial Twitter-related discoveries in what I like to call “The Land of Stuff Which was Cool Two or Three Years Ago!”

- Everybody I have talked to about having a brand new shiny Twitter account has said to me, “Yeah. I have one. I don’t really use it anymore.”

- It is very difficult to figure out which person on Twitter is actually Will Ferrell.

- The speed and frequency with which The Huffington Post updates its Twitter feed is not just shocking but actually kind of horrifying. It is as if they have an entire staff of people over there who used to be Republicans and they are all trampling over each other to prove their liberal bona fides.

- Steve Martin is a very funny man who has been told far too many times that he is a very funny man. I adore him but something about the fact that he’s hilarious even when he’s phoning it in is kind of annoying.

- As soon as you sign up for a Twitter account seven people whose photos are of trashy looking women in bikinis will start following your single post and then immediately unfollow you.

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Music and Movies and SAT Problems.

This is how I know I hang out with like-minded people:

A friend of mine recently posed a question: Name the actor who is the equivalent of The Eagles. That is to say: who is highly esteemed due to a couple of large commercial successes, but whose career is otherwise lackluster in terms of actual quality.

To which I instantly replied, “Kevin Costner!”

And, of course, I was correct.

This has become a fun game that I like to play in my head, adding gradients and qualifiers to each new equivalent. Though the basic SAT question remains the same:

_____ is to music as _____ is to film.

For instance, I would suggest that: U2 is to music as Tom Cruise is to film.

Hugely iconic, with an inarguably popularly successful early career followed by later forays into bland, self-congratulatory “serious” work, and only ever any good anymore when not taking themselves quite so seriously.

You can argue with me about this one if you want (because it is a little more inside-baseball):

Green Day is to music as Spike Jonze is to film.

Meteorically famous as sub-culture outsider(s) whose talent developed over time and was allowed to do so because of a large popular fan base and whose later work (though mistakenly seen by some as “selling out”) is actually a maturation of the artist(s).

Steve Martin is to music as Eminem is to film.

Surprisingly good when given the chance, but he wouldn’t have gotten famous this way.

Norah Jones is to music as Anne Hathaway is to film.

Totally pleasant but otherwise irrelevant.

Kanye West is to music as Quentin Taratino is to film.

Hugely talented, but in desperate need of artistic parental supervision.

Liz Phair to music as Ice T is to film.

If the old you could see the new you, the old you would totally kick your ass.

Dave Navarro is to music as Bill Paxton is to film.

Somehow always in the right place at the right time to benefit from other people’s skill.

The Butthole Surfers are to music as Crispin Glover is to film.

You have sorta heard of them even though it is clear they don’t give a shit what you think.

Maroon 5 is to music as Ryan Gosling is to film.

You have to begrudgingly admit that there is real talent there, even though it kills you to say so.

Nickelback is to music as Brett Ratner is to film.

Their commercial success shakes your faith in humanity.

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STANDARD KINK: FIND A TYPO CONTSET!

STANDARD KINK: FIND A TYPO CONTSET!



I recently wrote my first ever review of a product on Amazon, and I cannot tell you why, but seeing it there has filled me with a strange sense of pride. This is what Narvin R. Johnson must have felt like when that new phone book came out!




I know that all of you have been reviewing things on Amazon for years, but despite having this here blog, I have decidedly not embraced the digital age in many ways (I use an abacus at work, for instance, and also churn my own butter), so for me this interaction with the internet behemoth Amazon was quite a thrilling adventure.

Also, my review has at least one egregious typo, if you can identify it you will win the first ever “STANDARD KINK: FIND A TYPO CONTSET!” and I will personally mail you something belonging to my roommate! (Just don’t tell her.)

Here is the review:
No Fly Zone Bivy

Happy hunting!


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All I Don't Need.

I had to turn the television off just now because my roommate Azalea (still test driving blog names for her) is currently recording both Grey’s Anatomy and CSI, so I can’t change the channel. She isn’t home, BTW.

But whatever. I don’t need the television. I don’t need anything. I don’t need any of this stuff. I don’t need you. I don’t need anything ... And that's the only thing I need is this. I don't need this or this. Just this ashtray... And this paddle game. - The ashtray and the paddle game and that's all I need... And this remote control. - The ashtray, the paddle game, and the remote control, and that's all I need... And these matches. - The ashtray, and these matches, and the remote control, and the paddle ball... And this lamp. - The ashtray, this paddle game, and the remote control, and the lamp, and that's all I need. And that's all I need too. I don't need one other thing, not one... I need this. - The paddle game and the chair, and the remote control, and the matches for sure. Well what are you looking at? What do you think I'm some kind of a jerk or something! - And this. That's all I need.


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