If You Grow It, They Will Find Something To Do With It.

(This is an excerpt from a forthcoming book project I have been working on about my artist residency experience in Nebraska last summer. Special thanks to the Center for Crops Utilization Research, University of Iowa, Ames.)
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Things I Have Learned About Corn

(Products which are made with corn or its derivative byproducts or manufactured using corn or its derivative byproducts.)


Corn

Baby Corn

Pickled Baby Corn

Boiled Sweet Corn

Canned Corn

Packaged Frozen Corn

Popcorn

Snack Food

Corn Nuts

Posole

Canned Corn

Soup Mixes

Canned Hominy

Livestock Feed

Wild Animal Feed

Polishing Media

Furfural (Chemical Feedstock)

Liquid Spill Recovery Media

Dust Absorbent

Construction Board

Cosmetic Powders

Tortilla Flours

Hominy

Corn Chips

Taco Shells

Sopapillas

Atoles

Menudo

Tostados

Fuel Ethanol

Distilled Dried Grains with Solubles

Breakfast Cereals

Fortified Foods

Pinole

Snack Foods

Maize Porridges

Alkali Cooked Products

Breads and Bakery Products

Fermented Beverages

Unfermented Beverages

Pet Foods

Corn Bread

Wallpaper Paste

Floor Wax

Hand Soap

Dusting Agents

Masa Flour

Baby Foods

Baking Mixes

Batters

Desserts

Pie Fillings

Gravies and Sauces

Salad Dressings

Frozen Foods

Meat Extenders

Non-Meat Extenders

Thickening Agents

Fermentation Media

Explosives

Gypsum Wallboard

Paper Products

Briquettes

Foundry Binders

Ore Refining

Drilling Fluids

Label Adhesives

Edge Paste

Pharmaceuticals

Livestock Feed

Vitamin Carries

Lecithin

Cooking Oil

Margarine

Mayonnaise

Potato Chips

Shortening

Soups

Soluble Oils

Insecticides

Linoleum

Printing Inks

Rubber Substitutes

Rust Preservatives

Soaps

Tanning Agents

Textiles

Amino Acids

Fur Cleaner

Steepwater (Feed)

Antibiotics

Chemicals

Yeast Culture

Dry-Milled Germ

Gluten Feed

Poultry Feed

Zein Products

Chewing Gums

Retortable Thickeners

Puddings

Custards

Prepared Desserts

Pastry Fillings

Gum Candies

Condiments

Icings

Glazes

Dehydrated Foods

Instant Tea

Instant Breakfast Foods

Low-Calorie Sweeteners

Nougats

Pan Coatings

Modified Starch

Adhesives

Book Bindings

Candles

Ceramics

Casting (Mold) Binders

Dyes

Printing Inks

Printer Inks

Insecticides

Insulation and Fiberglass

Labels

Leather Products

Incendiary Compounds

Fireworks

Ore Separation Compounds

Poster Paints

Paper Products

Plastic Molding

Plywood and Wallboard

Sandpaper

Textiles

Wallpaper

Shade Cloth

Baby Foods

Baking Powder

Brewed Beverages

Chewing Gum

Chocolate Drinks

Meat Products

Prepared Condiments

Prepared Soups

Powdered Sugar

Canned Vegetables

Candies

Abrasive Papers

Dry Cell Batteries

Composite Binders

Paperboard Products

Boiler Compounds

Bookbinding

Clay Binders (Ceramic)

Chemical Precursor

Fermentation Feedstock

Detergents and Cleaners

Coatings

Paper Color Carriers

Textile Color Carriers

Cord Sizing and Polishing

Cork Products

Crayon and Chalk Binders

Dispersion Agents

Dye Component

Fiberglass Sizing

Powdered Insecticides

Insulating Materials

Lubricating Agents

Oilcloth

Well Drilling Mud

Ore Refining

Paints

Fillers and Caulks

Molded Plastics

Colloid Emulsions

Textile Finishers

Ceiling Tiles

Rubber Tires

Water Treatment

Antibiotics Products

Antibiotics Production

Aspirin

Powered Cosmetics

Liquid Thickener

Dietary Formulations

Soaps

Disinfectants

Surgical Dressing

Medicinal Syrups

Cheese Spreads

Coffee Whiteners

Cordials and Liqueurs

Prepared Egg Products

Extracts and Flavors

Fruit Jams and Butters

Pickled Products

Frozen Seafood

Peanut Butter

Leather Tanners

Metal Plating

Plasticizers

Shoe Polish

Rayon

Theatrical Makeup

Tobacco Products

Canned Fruits

Canned Juices

Confections

Frozen Desserts

Soft Drinks

Wine Products

Yeast Production

Fruit Jams and Preserves

Alcoholic Beverages

Acidulants

Flavor Enhancers

Amino Acids (Feed)

Industrial Alcohols

Engine Fuel

Fuel Octane Enhancers

Plastics

Solvents

Carpeting

Food Packaging



*** Be sure to tune in next week for the final installment in our 16-part series, "Why Does Kevin Costner Act Like He's Everybody's Crappy Stepdad in Every Movie He Does Now? ***

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Music and Movies and SAT Problems.

This is how I know I hang out with like-minded people:

A friend of mine recently posed a question: Name the actor who is the equivalent of The Eagles. That is to say: who is highly esteemed due to a couple of large commercial successes, but whose career is otherwise lackluster in terms of actual quality.

To which I instantly replied, “Kevin Costner!”

And, of course, I was correct.

This has become a fun game that I like to play in my head, adding gradients and qualifiers to each new equivalent. Though the basic SAT question remains the same:

_____ is to music as _____ is to film.

For instance, I would suggest that: U2 is to music as Tom Cruise is to film.

Hugely iconic, with an inarguably popularly successful early career followed by later forays into bland, self-congratulatory “serious” work, and only ever any good anymore when not taking themselves quite so seriously.

You can argue with me about this one if you want (because it is a little more inside-baseball):

Green Day is to music as Spike Jonze is to film.

Meteorically famous as sub-culture outsider(s) whose talent developed over time and was allowed to do so because of a large popular fan base and whose later work (though mistakenly seen by some as “selling out”) is actually a maturation of the artist(s).

Steve Martin is to music as Eminem is to film.

Surprisingly good when given the chance, but he wouldn’t have gotten famous this way.

Norah Jones is to music as Anne Hathaway is to film.

Totally pleasant but otherwise irrelevant.

Kanye West is to music as Quentin Taratino is to film.

Hugely talented, but in desperate need of artistic parental supervision.

Liz Phair to music as Ice T is to film.

If the old you could see the new you, the old you would totally kick your ass.

Dave Navarro is to music as Bill Paxton is to film.

Somehow always in the right place at the right time to benefit from other people’s skill.

The Butthole Surfers are to music as Crispin Glover is to film.

You have sorta heard of them even though it is clear they don’t give a shit what you think.

Maroon 5 is to music as Ryan Gosling is to film.

You have to begrudgingly admit that there is real talent there, even though it kills you to say so.

Nickelback is to music as Brett Ratner is to film.

Their commercial success shakes your faith in humanity.

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WORST MOVIE EVER MADE BY MANKIND!

OOOOOOOH! The film The Guardian is on TV right now! This is – far and away – the worst movie ever made by man.

If you asked someone, “What is the worst movie ever made?” most people would say Battlefield Earth or Plan 9 from Outerspace, but the truth is, the worst movie ever made by mankind is this little gem The Guardian.

Let me break it down for you.

Start with: it stars Kevin Costner AND Ashton Kutcher.

Yeah, that’s right.

And! It is a movie about US Coast Guard Rescue Divers (the guys that jump out of helicopters to save your dumb ass after you somehow manage to sink your yacht). And I would like to take a moment here to say: I mean no disrespect to those of you readers who actually are US Coast Guard Rescue Divers - may the lord bless and keep you – you do good work and you deserved a movie better than this one.

So beyond the problem of the casting, this is a movie with a whole lot of “acting” in it. What Hollywood commentators sometimes call “Capital A Acting”. What does that mean? Go watch any movie where Leonardo DiCaprio plays a character whose wife is dead (this is basically every movie that has made since Catch Me if You Can [with the exception of The Departed, but that still counts, see below]) and at some point he will have a “breakdown” and squint his eyes closed tightly and raise one (or both) of his clenched fists to his face (mouth or forehead) and as you are watching this moment unfold, part of your brain will go, “Wow! This MUST be good acting because I can totally SEE how much work and practice Leo put into this.” When you are watching an actor and all you can see is the actor rehearsing the scene in front of the mirror in his Malibu beach house because of how important a scene it is for the character, THAT is Capital A Acting. Also see: Keanu Reeves’ entire filmograpgy (“I AM AN F-B-I AGENT!!!”), everything Ethan Hawke has ever touched.

Basically the problem here is self-important earnestness. That is the problem with Capital A Acting and it is also the problem with this movie The Guardian. This movie is SO self important! In the opening scene, as Kevin Costner is rescuing a stranded boater who is clinging to debris, he actually yells at the man (as they are in the water and the waves are attacking then) “Stay with your flotation!”

After this movie came out (yeah, I saw it in the theater), I spent a month saying to people, “Stay with your flotation!” No one ever seemed to heed my advice, though my advice was never actually applicable.

What The Guardian is, is an entirely Republican movie. It makes a big deal about honoring these people who serve their country and others, but in the process of doing so, it boils their commitment and sacrifice down to some kind of un-nuanced cartoon. It self-righteously applauds the quality of its actors’ performances despite the fact that the quality is simply not there, and it doesn’t ask us to care about any of it, it simply expects us to. I don’t tear up when I watch this movie, even when the score tells me that I am supposed to.

It is simply awful. It is an awful, awful film of the first magnitude.

It is terrible.

It is … the worst film ever made by mankind.

You should totally watch it next time it is on!

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Kevin Coster: man, legend, failure.

Look here! See!

Here!

I am not the only person who thinks that Kevin Costner is an awful plague on humanity. Click the link and scroll to the bottom.

And when you're done, give me a call and we will go get a drink and I will do - for you - my bit about 'The Guardian'.