Red.

After all these years my computer still thinks my last name is a misspelling. Red squggle.


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My Band's Next Album.

By now you know that I’m in an entirely fake band. We would probably be awesome and radical and charmingly pernicious, but only one or two people in the band can actually play an instrument of any respectable sort, despite the fact that I have let thirty or forty people join the band.

I have three band-related responsibilities, which I have listed below.

1) I play the variable-speed blender (every band needs a blender player).

2) I talk about the band all the god damn time, lest you forget that it exists (or doesn’t, whatever).

3) I collect titles for all of the songs that we are going to write. I write down things that sound like they would be good songs. I jot them down in my little red notebook. I write them down after arguing with girls who have never heard of dairies, or after reading about flowers, or after getting mugged by dumb Eskimos.

Here are some songs for my band’s next album:



Milk Farmer

God’s Other Projects

Wall Street in the Garden of Eden

Smutty Sort of Lust

Eskimo Arithmetic I: How Eskimos add

Eskimo Arithmetic II: How to add Eskimos

Eskimo Arithmetic III: Why the fuck do we live here? It’s so fucking cold!

Charmingly Pernicious

Jellyfish or Cathedrals

Loosening the Virgin Zone

Eggs-istential Breakfast Dilemma

Infertile iPhone Owner

Bullet-Shaped Fingers

Just Enough of Nothing

The Hoodlums of Connecticut

Cultivating the Pancakes


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A Sad & Bad Haiku.

Please enjoy this really very bad and sad haiku that I wrote on my lunch break a few weeks ago.



Every time I try
to trust, it turns out that I’m
just not good enough.





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The Unexciting Sort of Danger.

I’m drinking red wine from a bottle that has been open for more than a week, it tastes a little off. I should probably stop drinking it. Also, my wine glass is coated with a very fine film of dry dishwasher soap. So really nothing that I’m doing right now is a good idea.

Oh well, at least this lamp full of whale oil that is perched precariously at the edge of the table is casting a nice glow on all the kerosene-soaked rags I like to keep by the kitchen stove.

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Quick Flick: The Social Network.

Shakespeare was mysteriously silent on the subject of social networking websites and so Aaron Sorkin had to step up. If Sorkin rewrote the phone book, I would go right now and buy my advance ticket, so I’m clearly biased, but it was a good movie and David Fincher is going to win Best Director (I already have money down on it).

What it is, is perfectly crafted. Just perfectly formed. These are talented and creative people at the top of their game. Somehow they make writing code seem interesting and legal depositions positively riveting. It is thoughtful and funny and grown-up and just good.

What it is not, is a movie that will change your life. I don’t know if you were expecting it to, but it won’t.


Myself, I'm hoping that this is just the first of many collaborations between Sorkin and Fincher on films about websites. Imagine the cinematic potential of Wikipedia, Weather.com and – of course – Youporn.


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Just Eternal Oddness.

I didn’t really realize how weird I have gotten lately until I was on Pandora at work this morning and found myself randomly listening to the lyrics of an Avril Lavigne song and thinking, “Yeah, that’s so right.”

By 'weird', I just mean weird. There is no implied positive or negative value. Just eternal oddness.

Also, why the fuck is my Pandora playing Avril Lavigne?


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Slaughterhouse Five, Live.

Holy shit! A stage adaptation of Slaughterhouse Five. I am going to go see this and you are all coming with me. Done.

I am so excited!

Check out

The Action Theatre Company.


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