Never Wrestle with a Pig: Why My Mom is Smarter than the Entire Democratic Congressional Caucus.

I was just reading an article about the finer points of the Debt Ceiling deal that was passed earlier this week (you should take a few minutes and read up on it, it is hilarious because it is so stupid) and I remembered a funny thing. Most of my life growing up my mother had (and I believe still has) a set of framed cartoons that usually hung in the laundry room of whatever house we were living in. One of them is a pig and some other farm animal (sadly I can’t remember what kind) and they are both covered in mud and the pig is smiling. The caption says, “Never wrestle with a pig because you both end up covered in mud, but the pig likes it.”

I wish someone would hang this cartoon up in the Democratic Cloak Room on Capitol Hill because that is exactly what happened with this whole Debt Ceiling fiasco. Republican obstructionism, fueled by (what I like to call) the Tea-Party-Willful-Misunderstanding-of-All-Reality, was allowed to create a situation where they got exactly what they wanted because of their willingness to act like complete assholes.

Instead of engaging in an actual negotiation, the Democrats said, “Wait … you don’t want to do exactly what we want? Oh no! Let us find some way to make you happy!” I swear to god it’s like Harry Reid and the others have some middle-child complex that causes them to try to please everybody (it’s ironic that I say this because I am a middle child and have one of these). So instead of negotiating, all we did was try to get the very obstructionists who created the crisis to get on board with us and in the process we gave up on the very concept of getting a fair deal. It’s like they sank the ship and when we tried to rescue them they said that they didn’t like our lifeboat, so we gave them the life boat and asked them to rescue us. (Well, it’s not exactly like that, but this is my blog so I can use less than completely accurate analogies if I want!)

Anyway, at least we can all sleep soundly knowing that come the next election cycle the fanatic Tea Party radicals out there are going to eat the current Republicans alive anyway. I cannot wait to see someone like Tom Coburn (R – Oklahoma, and my person arch nemesis) get the crap kicked out of him by a Tea Party nut job who is even more of an asshole than he is.

But back to the point: Never wrestle with a pig …

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Bad/Good.

Bad/Good
by james bezerra

Redneck/Redhead
Draft Lottery/California Lottery
Serial Killer/Breakfast cereal
John Wayne Gacy/John Wayne
The Tea Party/a tea party
Hunting/Bargain hunting
Lynching/David Lynch
Republicanism/Virtually anything else
Getting a ticket/Getting free tickets to a Bon Jovi concert!
Having a stalker/Having a stalker who is Mila Kunis
Idle gossip/Gossip Girl
Worshipping idols/Billy Idol’s “White Wedding”
Having cancer/Being a Cancer
Star Wars: The Phantom Menace/Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back
Deforestation/FernGully
Charlie Sheen/Martin Sheen
FOX News/Fenneck foxes (So cute!)




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Sometimes I am Ashamed of Us by james bezerra

Sometimes I am Ashamed of Us
by james bezerra


Hey, remember how we
all demanded to see
Bill Clinton’s birth certificate?

Remember the dearth
of people demanding proof-of-birth
from George W. Bush?

Remember the giant
grassroots push
to get proof from George Herbert Walker Bush?

How about Ronald Regan?
When we all went on TV and made him
produce his birth certificate?

Oh, that’s right,
those things never happened.

I wonder why
we suddenly suspect
that this President
is telling a lie.

I wonder …
wonder, wonder, wonder … why?
Is there something apparent to the naked eye
that’s different
about this President?

Hmmmm?
What could it be?
Is there something that you see
that makes him
not like the others?


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Must be Nurtured.

Was that last post too obtuse?
Here, try this one:


Dear “Birther”
You’re just a racist.

If you don’t like it here,
feel free to go back to the northern European country that your ancestors left of their own free will.
And stay there.
Because we don’t need you here.

America has a complicated racial past
which we are all still trying to get past.
And just because you don’t call for lynching
and don’t use epithets,
doesn’t mean you aren’t a racist.

Assuming that the black guy isn’t as American as you
is racist; is not patriotic.

And vocally disliking the President doesn’t
somehow make Jefferson proud.
That tree of liberty, watered from time to time by the blood of patriots,
must be nurtured by them too.

And hiding behind the Constitution
doesn’t make it more yours than mine.
Doesn’t make this country more yours than mine.
Doesn’t make America more yours than anybody else’s.
And screaming loudest, just makes you loudest, not most virtuous.

This country is a project.
A massive, huge, too big, too bold, too ambitious project that we all undertake together every day.
And you are not helping. So go away.

Or, at least,
calm your bitter angels.
Read that Constitution that you wave so high.
Please quiet your impassioned pleas and think before you speak.
Or, at least, think about why you speak and what it means and what a wonderful right it is and how and why you abuse it so.

And please calm the hell down about the birth certificate (which has been on the internet for two years already).



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A Poem: Ode to a Tea Partier

Ode to a Tea Partier
by james bezerra

You don’t like taxes?
Did you get here via freeway?
Then shut the hell up.



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How to Become Mayor of the Internet!

As you well know dear readers, I was recently rejected from the best of the best MFA Creative Writing programs in the country and now that I only cry about it in the mornings, I am trying to spend some of my time figuring out what I will do with myself once I graduate. One of the things I plan to do is to start using this blog the way that I originally intended, which is to say that I will post more writing on it and even figure out how to write stories specifically for it.

Now don’t worry! I will still post the sort of random and largely irrelevant crap that you come here for.

However, I have also been thinking about how to get more people to read this damn thing. As it is only my Mom reads it (hi Mom!) and that’s cool and all, but I need more people to read it and tell two friends and then those two friends will tell two friends and so forth and so on until I become president of the Internet. Or at least Mayor.

So I have been thinking a lot about what people like to read on blogs and after extensive and exhaustive research and analysis I have concluded that the only things people like to read about on blogs are: politics, tech, and babies (I have also discovered that people most like to look at: porn, cute animals, and porn).

Since I (sadly) do not have any porn or cute animals to offer you, I would like to announce that this blog will, henceforth, be concerned primarily with Walter my new Tea Party Robot Baby!!!



Walter has a built-in iPad, he has profoundly changed my life and my sense of the world and made me really understand love, and he hates Socialism with a fiery passion that borders on pathological self-delusion (though he does not have a clear understanding of what Socialism is exactly and thinks that it means giving public subsidies to pregnant, unmarried, drug-using illegal immigrants).

Sometimes, at night, when I hold Walter in my arms and listen to his 120 GB hard drive gently purr into sleep mode, I softly sing him songs about how much the Founding Fathers loved Jesus and Ronald Regan and guns.

I bet you’re gonna tell your fiends now!

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This cool picture of Walter was respectfully (please don’t sue me) lifted off the Flickr page The Finedon's Secret's which has a bunch of other cool stuff that I don’t entirely understand.