A Little Birdie Told Me.

Last night while watching the Oscars I started to get bored somewhere around the fourteenth appearance of the cast of “Chicago” and so I set up a Twitter account from my phone. Should you care, it is called @standardkink (though I’m no exactly sure if that means anything because I have not yet figured out how Twitter works.

Here are my initial Twitter-related discoveries in what I like to call “The Land of Stuff Which was Cool Two or Three Years Ago!”

- Everybody I have talked to about having a brand new shiny Twitter account has said to me, “Yeah. I have one. I don’t really use it anymore.”

- It is very difficult to figure out which person on Twitter is actually Will Ferrell.

- The speed and frequency with which The Huffington Post updates its Twitter feed is not just shocking but actually kind of horrifying. It is as if they have an entire staff of people over there who used to be Republicans and they are all trampling over each other to prove their liberal bona fides.

- Steve Martin is a very funny man who has been told far too many times that he is a very funny man. I adore him but something about the fact that he’s hilarious even when he’s phoning it in is kind of annoying.

- As soon as you sign up for a Twitter account seven people whose photos are of trashy looking women in bikinis will start following your single post and then immediately unfollow you.

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It’s a Game!

I meant to post this when the Oscars were happening, but didn’t. Sorry.

Match up the Best Picture nominee to its brief plot description!

1) 127 hours
2) King’s speech
3) Toy story 3
4) Social network
5) Winter’s bone
6) Inception
7) The Fighter
8) Black Swan
9) The Kids Are All Right
10) True Grit



A) Totally irresponsible hiker ends up in gut-wrench situation of his own making, cuts off own arm.

B) Stuttering monarch learns the value of friendship, boldly leads nation into worst war ever, is quickly forgotten by history, cuts off own arm.

C) Team of toys learns bitter lessons about the fickleness of love, escapes from concentration-camp style pre-school, cut off own arms.

D) Emotionally stunted jerk computer programmer steals idea for website, angers Winklevosses, cuts off own arm.

E) Poor white people use a lot of methamphetamine in the cold, cut off own arms.

F) You can’t get Leonardo DiCaprio’s regrettably bad “acting” out of your head, you cut off own arm.

G) Christian Bale uses a lot of crack in Boston, cuts off own arm.

H) Emotionally stunted ballerina employs Method acting, causes Google searches for “Mila Kunis & Natalie Portman” to increase by fifteen hundred thousand percent, cuts off own arm.

I) Ultra modern family deals with life, raises kids, cut off own arms.

J) Quirky, dirty cowboys pursue outlaw; no arms are cut off.




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Better Late than Topical, I Always Say by james bezerra

Better Late than Topical, I Always Say.
by james bezerra

Everybody should
calm the hell down, the Oscars
were not all that bad.

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