Wildlife TV = Deep Psychological Problems.

I realized yesterday that since I have been single I have been watching significantly more wildlife and nature shows. And when I say “significantly” I mean about a hundred thousand million percent more. Are these two things connected? Or am I making a false correlation?

Is it:
Being single = watching more wildlife programming

Or is it:
Being single = having more free time = watching more wildlife programming

Or am I looking at it wrong? Maybe it’s this:
Being single + having more free time = watching more wildlife programming

The difference between the last two would be that I have more free time because I am single, whereas the second one says that those two things are true independent of one another.

Or maybe it isn’t about free time at all. Here is the nightmare scenario:
Being single = having to think about dating = fear of having to date = preparing for the vicious dating world by watching wildlife shows

Is my subconscious really so afraid of the prospect of dating – which I have not done very much of in my life – that it is trying to prepare itself this way? No way!

Here is one that’s completely different, but which I would be comfortable with:
Sudden interest in nature & outdoor activities = interest in television programming about nature & outdoor activities = watching more wildlife programming

See, that would be okay and make sense, right?

But wait! What about this:
Being single = sudden interest in nature & outdoor activities = interest in television programming about nature & outdoor activities = watching more wildlife programming

Or worse, this:

Being single = having more free time = sudden interest in nature & outdoor activities = interest in television programming about nature & outdoor activities = watching more wildlife programming

That would be awful! Because it would mean that both my interest in outdoorsy natureness AND my watching of wildlife programming are all derived from my boredom caused by being single! Oh no! I think that would mean that I have lost all capacity to be genuinely interested in anything! My whole life is a lie! This is just shameful and awful! My life is so hard! (Though not as hard as a penguin’s. Man, those poor little bastards have it rough.)

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STANDARD KINK: FIND A TYPO CONTSET!

STANDARD KINK: FIND A TYPO CONTSET!



I recently wrote my first ever review of a product on Amazon, and I cannot tell you why, but seeing it there has filled me with a strange sense of pride. This is what Narvin R. Johnson must have felt like when that new phone book came out!




I know that all of you have been reviewing things on Amazon for years, but despite having this here blog, I have decidedly not embraced the digital age in many ways (I use an abacus at work, for instance, and also churn my own butter), so for me this interaction with the internet behemoth Amazon was quite a thrilling adventure.

Also, my review has at least one egregious typo, if you can identify it you will win the first ever “STANDARD KINK: FIND A TYPO CONTSET!” and I will personally mail you something belonging to my roommate! (Just don’t tell her.)

Here is the review:
No Fly Zone Bivy

Happy hunting!


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Nancy Reagan Hikes Good.

Last night I had a dream that I was hiking with Nancy Reagan. I have nothing funny to say about it. She was a pretty good hiking companion considering that she’s like ninety years old. Not surprisingly we didn’t have a lot to talk about, but sometimes you don’t really want to talk a lot while you’re out there in nature.

I was a little upset though because she had gotten a job as a gear-tester for Backpacker Magazine and I was jealous that she had scored such a sweet gig. She had all this cool new stuff and she was using a GoLite Jam pack (which I TOTALLY WANT but can’t justify spending the $150 bucks on). Stupid Nancy Reagan.



At one point she wanted to give me a trail name and she wanted it to be “Dandelion” and I had to ask her exactly what kind of dirty hippie she took me for. Otherwise we managed to avoid talking about politics, which is good because it means I didn’t have to scream at an old lady, which – despite appearances – I do not actually enjoy diong that much.

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It Hurts. So Much.

All four of you who read this blog are probably already familiar with the fact that I have been doing some outdoorsy things as of late. Weird, I know. It is like I have developed some tumor inside of my brain and the tumor really likes the outside. It is the only tumor in the history of Western medicine that has ever made someone healthier. Although who are we kidding, I’m not doing any of this to be healthy, I just want to look better naked. But even that is not the full extent of it. There is a part of me (the tumor part) that is lately very interested in just doing things. Wanta camp? Done. Wanta hike? Done. Wanta kayak? Done. Wanta run? Done.

Yes, that’s right, I have started running.

I have only been out a few times (because my body takes a while to recover, as you might imagine).

I have been as mystified as anyone by this recent shift from non-physical activity to physical activity,. So, much like a Sherlock Holmes-ian detective, I took a step back and logically (though not really) retraced the series of thoughts and events that ended up with me – yesterday - huffing and puffing as I ran down a paseo by my apartment, while sobbing and screaming, “IT HURTS SO MUCH!”

Okay, here is what my completely scientific (though not really) investigation revealed:

1) I have always liked camping stuff, just not the outside. Show me a tiny multi-tool with pliers, 17 kinds of screwdrivers AND a bottle opener and I am all over it. I just never bought one because I never needed one because I never went outside.

2) Recently my friend Mike the Director and I wanted to get out of town and have adventures (without spending a ton of money) and we randomly settled on Catalina: kayaking and camping. Because it sounded like an adventure (and proved to be because of how bad we are at adventures).

3) Since I have skinny little chicken legs and arms, I started trying to get in slightly better shape so that I would not die on Catalina. This mostly involved walking around my neighborhood every night.

4) Which turned out to be a good thing because we did a lot of unexpected hiking on Catalina, which – despite expectations – I kind of enjoyed. I also liked the camping and wanted to do more.

5) Since camping alone is something I’m not skilled enough to do yet (and since almost nobody wants to go with me!) I started hiking so as to still have some of the outdoorsy thing going on.

6) In this process, I discovered the concept of “trail-running” which just seems (to me, for some reason) like the most badass thing that a mere mortal can do on a regular basis.

7) However I’m not in good enough shape for that yet, so …

8) In preparation for that awesomeness, I have started jogging.

As part of this whole process, I have done some fun hiking and some camping and some general exploring. I have read lots on the internet (which is a series of tunes) and now know even more about backpacks (which I have always loved) than I did before! And can tell you about them for hours on end if you would like to spend a few hours of your life listening to me talk about them (I do birthday parties! Book now!).

Also, did I mention that I am hiking the Grand Canyon in September? Yeah, that’s happening.

When next you see my facebook status and it says that I am going jogging, if you open the window of the room that you’re in and quiet your breathing so that t is almost silent, and turn your ear toward the wind, you might just hear the sound of me out there running. I will be the one screaming, “IT HURTS SO MUCH!”

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Fascinating New Words & Phrases!

Since I have been becoming interested in this whole outdoors-y, backpacking/camping/hiking thing, I have been doing what any descent English major would do, I have been reading about it obsessively. I figure that this is just exactly like that movie “The Edge” with Anthony Hopkins, skinny Alec Baldwin and the always delightful Elle Macpherson, where Anthony Hopkins has like never been outside before but knows how to survive in the forest after a plane crash because he has read every book in the known universe. Man, Anthony Hopkins is a badass.

Anyway, I have been trying to learn as much as I can about this stuff and in the process of doing that I have come across a lot of new words and phrases that are a lot of fun. Below are a few of my favorites, along with the best definitions I have been able to cobble together. Something that is very interesting about these words and phrases is that since there is no Oxford English Dictionary of Being Outside (though somebody should get to work on that STAT!), the definitions themselves tend to vary a lot depending on who you talk to or what website you read. I have even seen message boards where people get a little nasty while splitting hairs about what exactly constitutes “fastpacking”. Seriously, there are people who are not messing around about this stuff.

I even read an unintentionally hilariously and totally not-ironic blog post some dude wrote about how the difference between Super Ultra Light backpacking and regular backpacking had nothing to do with the weight you carry but rather about your mental strength and determination and how most people don’t “have a strong enough will” to be Super Ultra Light backpackers and so the reason more people don’t do it is because they are “mentally weak.” Man, that guy was a douche bag!

Anywhoo, here are the words and phrases:

Ultra Light: This is basically just regular backpacking, but with at a much lighter overall load on your back. They say the average hiker has about 30 lbs of stuff with them for a two or three day trip. Ultra Light hikers carry significantly less. The general consensus seems to be that an Ultra Light backpacker carries 10 lbs or less.

Super Ultra Light: This is the same as Ultra Light backpacking only the person is carrying 5 lbs or less (again, there are no rules, but 5lbs seems to be the general consensus).

Base Pack Weight: This one is fun. This is how much all of your stuff weighs but NOT including “consumables” which is stuff like food and water and any fuel for your stove or whatever. The reason that they use this measurement is because the weight of your “consumables” will vary depending on the length or your trip, but the weight of your stuff doesn’t change, so this is a good way to figure out how heavy or light you are. However be forewarned! Some people will tell you this is their weight but not tell you they are talking about Base Pack Weight, which means they are trying to trick you! For instance, when somebody like the douche bag mentioned above says, “Yeah, I did the Continental Divide Trail with a 4 pound pack because I have a strong will and vote Republican.” Well he is talking about his Base Pack Weight. If the dude took 60 pounds of Oreo cookies with him, he gets to leave that out when he tells you how Super Ultra Light he is.

The Ray Way: Okay, so there is a guy named Ray Jardine who wrote a book about how to backpack really light (ironically the book is 500 pages long and weighs a pound). A lot of people credit him with creating - or at least raising the profile of – “Ultra Light backpacking” and he has a cultish following, though he seems to be just a pretty cool guy. But a lot of people talk about “Ray” or “The Ray Way” when talking about backpacking and I personally find it a little bit creepy. Like most things though, it is the proselytizing, die-hard adherents who are creepy, not the man or the ideas themselves. This is his website (Just a warning, dude loves him some garish colors! Yeah he does!)

Trailrunning: This is exactly what it sounds like, which is “running on hiking trails”. Instead of taking a nice hike up the side of a hill and saying, “Look at all the beautiful plants and butterflies, hooray!” you RUN up the side of that hill saying, “Screw you hill! I laugh at your thousand foot elevation gain!” I am ashamed to admit it, but I think that trailrunning sounds pretty badass (though not as badass as Sir Anthony Hopkins) and I am trying to get into good enough shape to try it. My fitness regiment currently involves carrying 60 pounds of Oreo cookies around with me at all times.

Fastpacking: Okay, so if you take Ultra Light backpacking and smash that into Trailrunning, you will end up with Fastpacking. Like I said before, people seem to love to fight about this for some reason. There seems to be a The-Jets-vs.-The-Sharks kind of arguments between Ultra Light backpackers and hard-core joggers about exactly who came up with Fastpacking, but after awhile you just scream at your computer, “Who the fuck cares!” Anyway, as near as I can tell this is when you take only the most basic camping stuff with you and you jog trails all day, make camp for the night, wake up and jog all day again and then make camp someplace else. Do this for a few days and – I think – you are Fastpacking! Congratulations?


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