I’m not like that.

Do you ever get obsessed about wanting to buy something?

No, I mean like really obsessed.

Like unhealthily fixated?

I have known me for long enough that I know I go through periods of – let’s be polite and call them – ‘intense fixation’ about certain things. Sometimes this is a good thing. For instance, my job is very math and detail intensive, so it can actually be a good thing that I can throw on the blinders and just focus. This ability is also how I managed to go to school full-time and work full-time, I was able – and often required to – shift focus and intensely fixate on what I needed to get done at that moment.

Unfortunately, however, I also happen to know that my brain is bored with me lately. See, I think that about five or six years ago it got hooked on stress and I have been an addict ever since. Ironically that’s one of the other reasons I was able to go back to school and finish so fast, so I guess that worked out okay.

Over the last year or so though, I have been trying to de-stress and it has been really hard (I am so stressed out about this process!). I have been trying to teach myself to relax, to just chill the hell out. I have had mixed results, but I work at it every day. But my brain, it needs something to intensely fixate on. Right now it is stuck on this backpacking thing again.

Now I will tell you that I actually do enjoy all this outside stuff I have been doing lately; the running and hiking and camping and the like, but at the same time my brain is using it as an excuse to obsess. So I guess that in this – as in all things – balance and moderation must be key.

Well if we have ever met, then you probably know two things about me: The first is that I am better looking than I actually am (it’s weird, right? I’m not actually that physically great looking at all, but for some reason you can’t help but find me attractive. It’s true and you don’t need to feel bad about admitting it. You’re powerless over it.) The other thing that you know about me if we have ever met is that I’m not good at moderation. (I wish I could get my brain to obsess about moderation!)

Sorry, I know I’m rambling, but it’s not like anyone reads this blog anyway except for that dude in Korea (BTW, you rock Korea Dude!), so who cares if I ramble?

At the moment I am constantly adding and subtracting backpacking weights in the back of my head. So we might be having a conversation - and I promise I am listening to you - but I am also thinking: well the rainfly on my tent weighs 19 ounces, so if the temperature is warm and the wind is not too bad, I could leave that at home, which brings the shelter weight down to 2 pounds 4 ounces, which brings my base pack weight down to 10 pounds 9 ounces, but that’s still too heavy! If I bought a better sleeping bag I could probably cut 8 ounces, my sleeping bag weighs 25 ounces, so I could probably get it down to 17 ounces, so if I leave the rainfly at home and buy a better sleeping bag, my base pack weight is 10 pounds 1 ounce, but that’s still too heavy …

That’s what it’s like up in my head a lot lately. Though – blessedly – not every single minute of every single day.

If I had a therapist, this is when she would lean in and ask me if perhaps I am obsessing about backpacking weights because I am actually deeply unsatisfied with other aspects of my life, to which I would respond, “How much am I paying for this 45-minute session? Sixty bucks? A down sleeping bag that weighs 17 ounces costs $250, so if I skipped five sessions I could buy that …”

So yeah, there’s that.

Right now I am thinking constantly about this very lightweight backpack that I want to buy (it only weighs 1 pound 13 ounces and has a 47 liter capacity!), it would be exactly what I want for a trip I’m taking to the Grand Canyon in September, but it costs almost three 45-minute therapy sessions!

I am thinking about it so much that I think it might be getting unhealthy. Do other people do this? Not obsess about backpacks and weight, but about other stuff? Is this how you feel about your crystal meth hobby? Is this something that we can blame on the tyrannosaurus-sized, consumerism of our culture that says: buy things buy things buy things buy things buy things buy things? Or would that be a cop out? Is this more of a personal thing?

See, I have been writing my whole life and that requires its own kind of obsessiveness (ie: if I say this character is from Nepal, then I need to know about Nepal! What is Nepal like? Better get out the N encyclopedia … what’s the weather like there? What town is this guy from? What are the religions of Nepal? What was his childhood like? What did his father do for a living? Did he have a pet goat? What was its name? Crap, what are common goat names in Nepal? What did they feed it? What kind of goat was it? Oh god, are there different kinds of goats? Better get the G encyclopedia out …), so I’m not sure if the way I’m feeling about buying a backpack is what a hobby feels like, or what anorexia feels like.

Now I will admit that I am being a smidge hyperbolic about how bad it is because this is after all a blog and it is supposed to be a form of entertainment, but some of this stuff is actually an accurate depiction of my mental state.

Probably this is also why I find the show ‘Monk’ so hilarious. At least I’m not that guy, you know? That guy is nuts! But not me. I’m not like that.

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Fascinating New Words & Phrases!

Since I have been becoming interested in this whole outdoors-y, backpacking/camping/hiking thing, I have been doing what any descent English major would do, I have been reading about it obsessively. I figure that this is just exactly like that movie “The Edge” with Anthony Hopkins, skinny Alec Baldwin and the always delightful Elle Macpherson, where Anthony Hopkins has like never been outside before but knows how to survive in the forest after a plane crash because he has read every book in the known universe. Man, Anthony Hopkins is a badass.

Anyway, I have been trying to learn as much as I can about this stuff and in the process of doing that I have come across a lot of new words and phrases that are a lot of fun. Below are a few of my favorites, along with the best definitions I have been able to cobble together. Something that is very interesting about these words and phrases is that since there is no Oxford English Dictionary of Being Outside (though somebody should get to work on that STAT!), the definitions themselves tend to vary a lot depending on who you talk to or what website you read. I have even seen message boards where people get a little nasty while splitting hairs about what exactly constitutes “fastpacking”. Seriously, there are people who are not messing around about this stuff.

I even read an unintentionally hilariously and totally not-ironic blog post some dude wrote about how the difference between Super Ultra Light backpacking and regular backpacking had nothing to do with the weight you carry but rather about your mental strength and determination and how most people don’t “have a strong enough will” to be Super Ultra Light backpackers and so the reason more people don’t do it is because they are “mentally weak.” Man, that guy was a douche bag!

Anywhoo, here are the words and phrases:

Ultra Light: This is basically just regular backpacking, but with at a much lighter overall load on your back. They say the average hiker has about 30 lbs of stuff with them for a two or three day trip. Ultra Light hikers carry significantly less. The general consensus seems to be that an Ultra Light backpacker carries 10 lbs or less.

Super Ultra Light: This is the same as Ultra Light backpacking only the person is carrying 5 lbs or less (again, there are no rules, but 5lbs seems to be the general consensus).

Base Pack Weight: This one is fun. This is how much all of your stuff weighs but NOT including “consumables” which is stuff like food and water and any fuel for your stove or whatever. The reason that they use this measurement is because the weight of your “consumables” will vary depending on the length or your trip, but the weight of your stuff doesn’t change, so this is a good way to figure out how heavy or light you are. However be forewarned! Some people will tell you this is their weight but not tell you they are talking about Base Pack Weight, which means they are trying to trick you! For instance, when somebody like the douche bag mentioned above says, “Yeah, I did the Continental Divide Trail with a 4 pound pack because I have a strong will and vote Republican.” Well he is talking about his Base Pack Weight. If the dude took 60 pounds of Oreo cookies with him, he gets to leave that out when he tells you how Super Ultra Light he is.

The Ray Way: Okay, so there is a guy named Ray Jardine who wrote a book about how to backpack really light (ironically the book is 500 pages long and weighs a pound). A lot of people credit him with creating - or at least raising the profile of – “Ultra Light backpacking” and he has a cultish following, though he seems to be just a pretty cool guy. But a lot of people talk about “Ray” or “The Ray Way” when talking about backpacking and I personally find it a little bit creepy. Like most things though, it is the proselytizing, die-hard adherents who are creepy, not the man or the ideas themselves. This is his website (Just a warning, dude loves him some garish colors! Yeah he does!)

Trailrunning: This is exactly what it sounds like, which is “running on hiking trails”. Instead of taking a nice hike up the side of a hill and saying, “Look at all the beautiful plants and butterflies, hooray!” you RUN up the side of that hill saying, “Screw you hill! I laugh at your thousand foot elevation gain!” I am ashamed to admit it, but I think that trailrunning sounds pretty badass (though not as badass as Sir Anthony Hopkins) and I am trying to get into good enough shape to try it. My fitness regiment currently involves carrying 60 pounds of Oreo cookies around with me at all times.

Fastpacking: Okay, so if you take Ultra Light backpacking and smash that into Trailrunning, you will end up with Fastpacking. Like I said before, people seem to love to fight about this for some reason. There seems to be a The-Jets-vs.-The-Sharks kind of arguments between Ultra Light backpackers and hard-core joggers about exactly who came up with Fastpacking, but after awhile you just scream at your computer, “Who the fuck cares!” Anyway, as near as I can tell this is when you take only the most basic camping stuff with you and you jog trails all day, make camp for the night, wake up and jog all day again and then make camp someplace else. Do this for a few days and – I think – you are Fastpacking! Congratulations?


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