Wednesday, May 8, 2013

Yes, This Entire Post is About Salad.

I know this is going to sound ridiculous, but I’m not sure anymore that I know how to make a salad.

Here is the problem: I enjoy eating salads. A good salad can actually be quite good. The grocery store across the street has a great salad-in-a-bag Ultimate Caesar Salad. What’s so ultimate about it? The cheese and the croutons and the spices and the dressing and also the lettuce. Basically all of it, okay? Well I had gotten in the habit of buying it and coming back to the apartment and mixing in some chicken and eating it. Good times, right? You’re goddam right they were! And I didn’t even feel that bad about how lame I was to be buying a pre-packaged bag of salad. However, the goddam Ralphs across the street has raised the price of a bag of salad by a dollar! For no apparent reason! And just suddenly and with no notice and I didn’t even get a call or a nice letter on corporate letterhead or anything! And for me this (apparently) is one of those things where they have crossed the threshold of what I am willing to pay for a bag of salad. Three bucks was okay, but four? Are you out of your ever-loving mind? So basically Ralphs is run by dirty salad pirates. Those sons of bitches.

And so now I am going to have to endure the shameful indignity of having to purchase all of my salad ingredients separately. SEPARATELY! Do people even do that anymore? That isn’t just something that people stopped doing since The Past?

I am pretty sure that this whole endeavor is going to require that I find a head of lettuce, buy it, and cut it up into small pieces. I tried this once before. It did not go well. That was back when I thought a Salad Spinner was for mixing all of the ingredients together (turns out that is not what a Salad Spinner is for).

So now I’m going to have to Google things like, “What kind of lettuce makes a Caesar Salad?” and upon realizing that the answer is far more complex than I am able to understand, I will have to backpedal and Google something like, “How do I make a salad?” and if that is not just the saddest thing for a grown man to Google, then I don’t know what is.*

Then inevitably I will have to watch a bunch of Youtube videos about it and all of the videos will be sort of passive aggressively talking down to me and then I will try it and I will still do it wrong, you know, the first several times. And then I will start to question my skill as and ability to continue living as a grown up. And then it will just be a long hot spiral down into insecurity and crying alone in the dark.

And why? Why do we have to go down through all of this?

Because Ralphs raised the price of in-a-bag salad to just a fraction of a hair past the red line of what I am willing to pay for it.

So - I guess - let’s let the salad adventures begin!

Also, if you wanta come over and show me how to make a salad, taht would be an adventure too.

* Things that might be sadder for a grown man to Google:

- Why can’t I stop crying?
- Why won’t my mom return my calls?
- Does size really matter?
- What should I do with my life?
- I can’t afford to fix my wheelchair, what should I do?
- How to be cool?
- Is Michael Bay the best movie director ever?


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