Monday, May 6, 2013

Ready ...

So I have had some massive brain blockage as of late. If you need evidence of that just look and see how long it has been since I posted here. Um … sorry about that.

The truth - I suppose - is that I simply haven’t felt very much like me lately. When I feel like me I am always super excited to tell you about it! If you need evidence of that just look and see below at the entire blog I have spent years writing! Blogging is, if nothing else, always a love note to one’s self. Hey, I’m just the guy who is willing to say it.

So why the blockage? Why the weirdness? Why the not feeling like me?

Fuck if I know.

I could blame it on stress or work or being all constantly lovelorn and such, but those become tired excuses after a while, don’t they?

So let us focus not on the disease, but on the cures, shall we?

At long last I finally decided to quit my job. FINALLY! It was a nerve wracking experience, but I did it! I turned in my two week notice because I simply couldn’t stand continuing to do what I was doing. I have always tried not to get specific about my job on here and that isn’t going to change now, but suffice to say that although it was a very grown up job, I wasn’t finding it fulfilling and I think that the stress and the way I was being treated was actively doing damage to me. So finally I got my shit together enough to quit. I have no new job lined up. This may very well prove to be an unwise decision, but I know that it is still the right one. I am finally betting on myself again. And that part feels good. That part makes me feel more like me.

So what in the holy hell am I going to do with myself now? Well, a couple of things! First, I am going to go back to school and get my Masters. For several reasons (not the least of which are convenience and a liberal policy of acceptance)  I will be going back to CSU Northridge. I am still waiting on my official acceptance, but I was told by the secretary of graduate studies that I should be a shoe in. So that is the big picture, at the moment.

In the shorter term, I need to find an apartment! The lease isn’t up here until August, but I want to lock something down as fast as I can so that I don’t end up living out of my car with no job and two cats! Although there is a part of me that has always expected that I would end up that way.

Depending on how quickly I can line up some little apartment, I hope and plan to do a little bit of traveling. I’m going to spend some time up in the Bay area and also Sacramento. If I can make it work I may be taking a very long train trip. I may get to go back east and see some family. There is a possibility that I may get to go to London again for a little bit, but we shall see how all of that works out. BUT LOOK AT HOW INTERESTING I HAVE THE POTENTIAL TO BE!

There is - of course - the question of getting a new job. Yes, yes, I know that quitting my current job does not mean that I get to retire. Though how fucking cool would that be?! I am confident that I will be able to find something; maybe not something that I necessarily WANT and maybe not something that will pay well, but my goals right now are to go back to school, to write more, and to be goddam happy for once. I think that I have taken some steps toward building myself my own little bit of happiness. I have accepted that I am single right now, so I’m going to quit bitching about it. I have - believe it or not - been working on coming to terms with who I actually am. That is not to say that I’m accepting my lot in life, or anything as mundane as that; I am nothing if not restless. But if that is what I am, then that is what I am. I’m trying to make some peace with that and to learn to enjoy it.

So, as I mentioned before, I’m betting on me. I’m going to be basically starting over again from scratch (again), but not really, not entirely. I have all of these experiences, all of this life, I have some friends and a few people out there in the world whom I still love and adore. And, not for nothing, I have had to remind myself (what it says over there on the right hand side of this blog) life is beautiful, but complicated. I’ve had to remind myself that complication is not a vice, in fact, it may just be a virtue. Because happiness that is earned is far more satisfying than the sort that just falls into one’s lap. So I am ready now to go out there and earn some.


1 comment:

Anonymous said...

This is a great post. It is wonderful to see you betting on yourself. You are going to do big things and I can't wait to read more as you do. Please keep the updates coming as you start this next chapter.