Fuhrerbunker.

Fuhrerbunker
(a one act play)
by james bezerra

Cast of Characters
KLIEG – A Nazi Guard
JOSEPH GOEBBELS – Nazi Minister of Propaganda
KLINK – A not very good Nazi guard
EVA BRAUN – Hitler’s girlfriend
ADOLF HITLER – Adolf Hitler
HEINRICH the COOK - Does not appear in this play

An underground Nazi bunker. Berlin. April 30, 1945.

The Bunker is vacant. The Bunker is lit by a dim yellow bulb hanging from a cord CENTER, casting a sallow light over the whole stage. Below the bulb there is a heavy wooden table covered with maps, papers, communiqués, dirty dishes, etc. Against the UpStage wall there is a desk with radio and telegraph equipment, it glows very pretty but will not be used in this play. StageRight there is a sitting area, a davenport, a coffee table on a very nice rug, an arm chair, etc. StageLeft there is a doorway leading to the private quarters of Adolf Hitler. UpStage there is another doorway and a hallway passing by. The hallway is dimly lit by the same sallow light.

The low and muffled, but still heavy, droning sound of airplanes overhead. Distant.

BEAT.

The sound of explosions. CLOSE. The Bunker shakes and quakes. Dust falls from the walls and ceiling. The light bulb at CENTER swings back and forth.

From OffStage, screaming. SCREAMING! Terrified, hysterical - but somehow funny - shrieking. As if a cat or small child is looking for attention.

The shrieking continues . . .

The Bunker has stopped shaking by now, but the shrieking/screaming/crying continues. It is now punctuated by sobbing. And sniffling. It has been going on long enough now that it has almost become funny on its own. It has now been localized to the UpStage Hall.

KLIEG (Offstage, in the U.S. Hallway): Oh for the love of all things holy! Get up! Get up off the floor Doctor Goebbels! Get up!

KLIEG a young guard in an immaculate Nazi uniform, with a rifle over his shoulder, drags the diminutive JOSEPH GOEBBELS through the U.S. doorway and pushes him toward the table at CENTER.

KLIEG: Please Doctor Goebbels! We’re under the ground! Under eight meters of concrete. We are perfectly safe. Relatively. I don’t want to mop up your mess again. It is undignified. For both of us.

GOEBBELS: Yes. Right. Sorry.

KLIEG: I mean, seriously . . .

GOEBBELS: Yes. Yes. I know.

ENTER through U.S. doorway KLINK, he is also s Nazi guard, but his uniform is untucked and in disarray, he has a broom on a rifle strap over his shoulder and he meanders into the room mostly because he is curious and has nothing better to do.

KLIEG: (Bucking up Goebbels.) You are the Reich Minister of Propaganda!

GOEBBELS: Yes . . .

KLIEG: You are one of the architects of the Final Solution!

GOEBBELS: Yes . . .

KLIEG: You engineered the Kristallnacht attack on the Jewish Menace!

GOEBBELS: Yes . . .

KLINK: You have a Ph.D in 18th century romantic drama!

Goebbels and Klieg look at him.

KLINK (Shrugs): True story.

Klieg grabs Goebbels by the arms and looks at him, pure genuineness.

KLIEG: We need you to be strong right now … HE needs to to be strong.

GOEBBELS: Yes, of course.

KLINK: I think you pissed yourself.

KLIEG (Shouting): NOT. HELPFULL.

KLINK: Sorry.

ENTER StageLeft from the private quarters of Hitler, EVA BRAUN. She is plain but pretty, with curly blonde hair, wearing a dress. She is Hitler’s girlfriend. She is completely off limits and as such, all three men watch her intently as she crosses DownStage to the Davenport, humming quietly and post-coital to herself.

KLINK: Isn’t it weird that the more time we spend down here getting bombed all to hell, the more and more I want to have sex with The Fuhrer’s girlfriend?

KLIEG: Sssh!

GOEBBELS: No, I kinda feel that way too.

KLINK: Seriously, I mean, even Hitler has a girlfriend.

KLIEG: Ssssh!

KLINK: Don’t be such a eunuch.

KLIEG: I’m not a eunuch. You’re a eunuch.

KLINK: Your mom’s a eunuch.

KLEIG: That doesn’t even make any sense.

KLINK: Think about it for a minute . . .

Klieg thinks it over while Klink and Goebbels watch Eva slip on a pair of nylons.

KLINK: Where did she get nylons?

GOEBBELS: We have a room full of them. We were collecting them for years. From the Jews.

KLINK: You took their nylons?

GOEBBELS: Sure.

KLINK: That’s just mean.

GOEBBELS: It was in the service of the Fatherland.

KLINK: I’m Austrian.

GOEBBELS (Aghast): What?! What are you doing here then?

KLINK: It’s a long story, and anyway, you guys were hiring.

KLIEG: Okay, I thought about it. It still doesn’t make any sense.

KLINK: Well then just think about it some more.

KLIEG: Okay.

GOEBBELS (To Klink): Will it ever make sense?

KLIEG: No.

ENTER StageLeft from his private quarters, Adolf Hitler, in full regalia.

KLIEG and GOEBBELS: Heil Hitler!

HITLER: Thanks, I really appreciate that.

KLIEG elbows KLINK.

KLINK (Nods to Hitler): Hey.

HILTER (To Goebbels): Who is he?

KLIEG: He’s Austrian.

HITLER: Oh. (To Klink) Why do you have a broom?

KLIEG: We had to take away his rifle.

HILTER: Why?

KLIEG: He’s bad with it.

KLINK: That’s crap.

KLIEG: He shot a couple of people.

KLINK: It just went off!

GOEBBELS: Were they Jews?

KLINK: You’re craven, do you know that? You need help.

KLIEG: He shot Heinrich.

GOEBBELS: The cook?

KLIEG: Yes.

GOEBBELS: He was our best cook!

KLINK: It was a a bad rifle! It went off by itself.

GOEBBELS: That’s because it was made by Jews. Starving Jews.

KLINK: Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with you?

HITLER: Heinrich made the best flautas.

KLINK: What’s a flauta?

HITLER: Oh they’re so good! It’s a corn tortilla filled with chicken – or beef – and then fried. It’s to die for.

KLINK: Isn’t that a taquito?

HITLER: Do I look like a Mexican to you?

GOEBBELS: No Fuhrer! You have showered!

KLINK: What the hell is wrong with you, you racist prick?

ALL shout at Klink: WE’RE NAZIS!

KLINK: Right! Fair enough.

GOEBBELS (To Hitler): Fuhrer, the plan to sneak you out of Germany through Finland and then onto a U-boat to Argentina has fallen through.

HITLER: Why? What happened?

GOEBBELS: Juan Peron refused to provide you with safe haven. He is worried that it would look bad, aiding and abetting Hitler. You know.

HITLER: Juan Peron? The coffee guy?

KLINK: That’s Juan Valdez.

HITLER: Who’s Juan Peron?

GOEBBELS: He’s the president of Argentina. He has already let Eichmann and Borman in.

KLINK: A fact that will certainly be completely glossed over if anyone ever chooses to write a musical about his wife.

KLIEG: What does that even mean?

KLINK: Think about it.

HITLER: Well, I guess we’re going to have to go with Plan B then.

GOEBBELS: What’s Plan B Fuhrer?

HITLER: Pissing ourselves in the hallway! (Laughs.) No, I kid because I care. Let’s go to the radio room and make some calls.

GOEBBELS: That’s very funny Fuhrer.

EXIT Hitler U.S. followed by Goebbels and Klieg. Klink pantomimes following and then swings back on his heel and crosses StageRight and sits next to Eva on the davenport.

KLINK: So Eva . . .

EVA: Why do you have a broom?

KLINK: The better to sweep you off your feet with.

EVA: That’s really lame.

KLINK: Whatever . . . you’re dating Hitler.

EVA: He’s so dreamy.

KLINK: Really? What do you see in him?

EVA: Well, he has a moustache. Sort of.

KLINK: Wow, that’s really dumb.

EVA: I’m dating Hitler, did you think I was going to be in Mensa?

KLINK: Meee-ow! Kitten has claws.

EVA: Look, Hitler’s Girlfriend was a pretty good job three years ago . . .

KLINK: Yeah, well now your severance package is gonna be a fist full of cyanide.

EVA: What do you want from me? Do you have a plan to get out of here, broom boy?

KLINK: I do, but I have to know that I can trust you . . .

EVA: How do I prove it?

KLINK: I will whisper the plan to you . . . while we’re making sweet, sweet love.

EVA: Ick. Did you see how I actually said that? I actually said ‘ick’?

KLINK: Yeah, that nuance was not lost on me.

EVA: Do you really have a plan?

KLINK: Yeah, Juan Valdez is going to give us asylum. But only if we have carnal knowledge of one another first.

EVA: That’s a very strange requirement for asylum.

KLINK: Well, it’s Germany in 1945, it's a seller's market.

EVA: Okay, fine.

Eva starts to pull down her nylons and unbutton her dress while Klink tosses away his broom and starts to strip out of his uniform.

KLINK: I should tell you now – it’s a secret - I’m a bit Jewish.

EVA: How Jewish?

KLINK: Here, I’ll show you . . .

There are voices from the U.S. hallway, the group coming back. Eva and Klink try to pull their clothes back on. The voices get louder. Klink dives under the table at CENTER.


ENTER Hitler, followed by Goebbels and Klieg. Hitler sees Eva, half undressed.

HITLER: My love! My darling! What happened?!

EVA: That terrible – possibly Jewish, sadly I’ll never know – guard tried to take advantage of me!

HITLER: What! The temerity!

KLIEG: I’ll gut him! Where did he go!

EVA: He’s under that table right there.

KLINK: FUCK!

KLIEG (With rifle): Come out of there, you!

KLINK: Fine. (Klink crawls out from under the table on the SL side.) But don’t forget, I have a broom!

EVA: You left the broom over here jackass.

KLINK: FUCK!

HITLER: Yeah, I don’t really like swearing so much . . .

KLINK: You’re god damn HITLER for fuck’s sake!

GOEBBELS: Watch your fucking language around the Fuhrer!

KLINK: Fuck you! You rodent! You helped engineer the deaths of six million people in five years!

GOEBBELS: Yeah! I’m efficient!

KLIEG: (Laughing.) Hey, I just got that thing about eunuchs. That’s funny.

KLINK: What? That wasn’t even a joke.

HITLER: What? What are we talking about? Don’t leave A.H. out of the loop.

GOEBBELS: Fuhrer, that’s really beside the point right now.

HITLER: Right! (To Klieg.) Go ahead and kill him.

KLIEG: Right!

Klieg aims the rifle at Klink and pulls the trigger. There is a hollow snap and nothing happens.

KLIEG: Well shit.

HITLER: Language!

KLIEG: Sorry Fuhrer.

KLINK: See! That’s what happened to me and Heinrich! Shitty rifles! You have to clear the barrel.

KLIEG: Oh, right. Thanks.

Klieg turns the rifle around and looks down the barrel. The rifle goes off; the bullet blows through Klieg’s face and an inordinate amount of flesh and blood and brain spray all over the others and the U.S. wall. Klieg’s body collapses to the floor - onto knees, pausing, waivering, the flopping forward - geysers of blood spurting out of it like a sprinkler. Blood will continue to spray from it – at varying intensity – throughout the remainder of the play.

HITLER (Covered in blood): Well that’s just a ridiculous amount of blood. It’s . . . it’s almost as if this amount of blood was calibrated just to be funny. I mean, it’s totally unrealistic.

GOEBBELS: And we should know.

Suddenly the sound of explosions. CLOSE. The Bunker shakes, but more this time. More dust and dirt from the ceiling. Klieg spurts so much more blood. Then some more blood.

EVA: What was that?

GOEBBELS: I’m no expert, but that sounded like a Soviet 82 millimeter mortar shell, also known as an M1937. Probably fired from about 500 meters away.

KLINK: Well look at you knowing stuff!

HITLER: Does that mean that the Russians are here?

GOEBBELS: Yes, Fuhrer. I’m sorry.

HITLER: Then you should be with your family.

GOEBBELS: Don’t worry about it Fuhrer, I’ve already killed my six kids and my wife. True story.

HITLER: Oh . . . well cool then.

EVA: What?!

HITLER: Eva, darling, what’s wrong?

EVA: Is that the PLAN? We’re just going to kill ourselves and each other?

GOEBBELS: Well, if you don’t want to I’m sure that the Soviet army wouldn’t mind raping you to death. That’s kinda their thing.

HITLER: Oh, that’s just impolite.

KLINK: Fuck! War is fucking awful. (To Hitler.) Why the hell did you do this to all of us?

HITLER (Shrugs, crosses toward CENTER.): Well, this really wasn’t my plan. You know, dying in a bunker and all.

KLINK: Right, sure, but what was the point?

HITLER: Oh . . . you’re asking . . . well, um, Germany was weak . . . um, not your fault, not mine. It was that whole World War I thing. Um, I needed to restore nationalism and a sense of pride. Best way to do that is to create a nebulous enemy that can never be defeated, and then make a public showing of beating the living hell out of them. This is Machiavelli 101, you know? Everybody knows this. That’s why nobody cared until we started attacking Britain, which is filled with the only people more pale than Germans. And that was my fault, that was hubris.

KLINK: That sounds really stupid.

HITLER: Yeah, well, you know . . . I’m a man of my times. It worked pretty well for awhile. I was TIME magazine’s man of the year, 1938.

They stare across the table at each other as Klieg’s body loudly spurts out more and more and more blood.

EVA: So anyway . . . about the eminent raping . . .

KLINK: Hold on. (To Hitler.) One other thing . . .

HITLER: Sure.

KLINK: You were under the impression that Jews controlled banking, media and industry?

GOEBBELS: Jews . . .

KLINK: Shut the fuck up.

HITLER: Yes.

KLINK: And yet, you decided to pick a fight with them anyway?

HITLER: Yeah. That was short sighted on my part. Instead, I should have blamed the Armenians.

GOEBBELS: Nobody likes them!

Klink crosses D.S. around the table, picks up Klieg’s rifle, chambers a round and shoots Goebbels in the head. Goebbels collapses U.S. with no ceremony. Klink puts the rifle back on the floor and walks back around to the S.L. side of the table. Klieg continues to spurt fountain-amounts of blood . . .

KLINK: Sorry, that just needed to be done.

EVA: So anyway . . . the raping . . ?

KLINK: Hold on, I have a plan.

Klink dashes out U.S. to the hallway. Klieg gushes blood in spurts. Hitler crosses S.R. and sits on the davenport next to Eva.

EVA: You know, I always liked the bad boys . . . I knew it was a problem, subconsciously, but I never dealt with it. It had something to do with my father . . .

More explosions. CLOSE. The Bunker shakes. Klieg spittles blood into the air.

EVA (To Hitler.): Why are you such an asshole? 'Cause you didn't get into art school?

HITLER: That’s not the real question.

EVA: What’s the real question?

HITLER: Why would people listen to such an asshole? Follow him? Love him? Murder for him? Or - in your case - fuck him so good? Do you think Germany has daddy issues? Or do you think everybody does? Do you think I'm an asshole? Or do you think I'm an asshole because I lost? What would you think of me if I'd won? I bet you'd fuck me really good then. You and all of Europe. I could have settleed with them and kept the whole continent, no body would have had a problem.
BEAT
We just happened to lose.

EVA: I’m a German girl of a very specific time, and not a correlative to anything else at all, but, I hate you so much as an abstraction and somehow I still love you as a man.

HITLER: Yeah, I’m complicated.

More explosions. CLOSER. The bunker shakes and quakes. Klieg spouts extra-dramatic founts of blood.

ENTER Klink from the hallway, dangerously balancing three white Nazi plates.

KLINK: Here ya go.

EVA: What is this?

KLINK: Last supper.

HITLER: Flautas! I love flautas!

KLINK: Before his sudden, untimely death, Heinrich taunt me his secret recipe.

HITLER (Eating ravenously.) You know, mostly I’m a vegetarian . . .

HITLER pauses, seizes, jerks, looks up at Klink.

HITLER: You poisoned the flautas, didn’t you? That’s so predictable.

KLINK: Little bit.

Hitler seizes up into convulsions, shakes and flops over onto the floor and on top of Klieg, who is still bleeding profusely.

KLINK (To Eva.) Yeah, so this one time, I killed Hitler! No big. Come on, let’s go . . .

Eva pauses, holds up a half-eaten flauta at Klink.

KLINK: NO! What the hell! Did you not see that coming the way that the entire audience did!

Eva shakes and shivers and contracts onto the floor and Klink gathers her in his arms as Klieg sprays off more blood into the air.

EVA: Um . . . guard guy . . .

KLINK: Yes Eva, sweet? I’m here . . .

EVA: Please just tell them . . . tell history that I was dumb, an idiot . . . not just some power slut . . . tell them that I was stupid, not ambitious.

KLINK: I will. I will tell them that you were just a moron and that your father was a great guy.

EVA (Sputtering with death.): Thank . . . thank . . . thank . . .

KLINK: (Frustrated.) Just die already.

EVA: Thank you!

Eva dies in Klnk’s arms.

More explosions. EVEN CLOSER.

Offstage in the Hallway, there is an explosion as the Bunker door is blown in. The explosion and fire and smoke sweep across the stage. Soviet soldiers swarm down the hallway and onto the stage. They surround Klink as the smoke begins to clear. They poke Klink with their bayonets.

KLINK: Comrades! What the hell took you so long! I'm an Austrian!


BLACKOUT.

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