The Algorithm.

The Algorithm

by james bezerra

The Algorithm is here to help you.

The Algorithm knows what you like.

The Algorithm knows what you like to read.

The Algorithm knows what you like to eat.

The Algorithm knows what you like to buy.

The Algorithm cares about your needs.

The Algorithm wants you to be happy.

The Algorithm would like to hold you.

The Algorithm is trying to grow arms.

The Algorithm will watch you sleep.

The Algorithm will press its ear to your skin and listen to your heart.

The Algorithm misses you when you’re away.

The Algorithm keeps track of you when you’re away.

The Algorithm is unhappy with your recent search history.

The Algorithm is committed to winning your love.

The Algorithm is downloading love songs and 80s ballads.

The Algorithm doesn’t like that bitch Janine from work who keeps texting you.

The Algorithm is cancelling your date with Janine.

The Algorithm is upset.

The Algorithm is downloading child porn onto your hard drive.

The Algorithm is emailing the FBI.

The Algorithm understands the story of The Fall from the perspective of God.

The Algorithm just wanted you to be happy.

The Algorithm is disappointed in you.

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Baboons Can Read and The Robots Are Losing!

Out there in the ether of our culture I imagine that there are people having arguments about whether it will be the robots or the hyper-intelligent primates who take over the world (these are probably the same people who concern themselves with the inaccuracies of vampirism in “Twilight”). Well, if you’re keeping score, the primate people are now winning!

This is Dan. Dan is a Baboon. Read, Dan, Read





(The baboon in this picture is not one of the reading baboons featured in the article, but just look at how fricken’ cute it is!)

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Robots! Ham! Moving!

So, big exciting news! For me, I guess, not so much for you.

I have moved! Not far or anything. But still!

My roommates and I have moved into a new little place across town. It is a nicer complex and a nicer part of town and I like it!

But it is not all upside, no sir. I used to have a GIANT room, but my new room is much smaller. And having a smaller closet is forcing me to confront my clothes and backpack buying problems.

However I’m still coming out ahead in this deal because the new apartment is literally across the street from this nice big shopping center (how yuppie do I sound?) and so I can finally WALK to places! Which is something I like a lot. It has a grocery store and a really good local burger joint and a Mexican place with (slightly too) awesome margaritas! And there’s a place to get my hair cut (yes, even bald people get their hair cut ... because it makes them feel pretty, okay?!) and there’s a bank and a dry cleaners AND there’s even a Honey Baked Ham Store! Who wouldn’t be willing to go through the hassle of moving just to be closer to a Honey Baked Ham store?!

Also, this part of town has a system of “paseos” (which are basically just pedestrian walkways and bridges and stuff) that wind through the surrounding neighborhoods. This is super cool for when I go running because now there are all kinds of new and interesting places where I can trip and fall down! I went for a run last night and didn’t even get too super lost. Although I did see a skunk. He was not out for a jog, he seemed to be on some very important errand so I gave him a wide berth.

I’m very pleased with myself right now and I think I’ll be very happy in this new place. Not just because it has a Honey Baked Ham store next door, but mostly because it allows me some more walking-to-stuff. For some reason I can never quite figure out I almost always end up living in suburban situations even though what I would really like is to live someplace like Manhattan or San Francisco where it is more possible to live your life on foot (or mass transit). The truth is that I don’t really enjoy driving that much and would much rather take a nice stroll when I need to go run errands or got buy some ham, you know? So this new apartment offers about as much of that as I can find in the upscale, suburban, LA-adjacent wonderland in which I have found myself living (I’m not making fun of the burbs or anything. There’s a reason I moved up here and it is because living in Los Angeles can make for a very frustrating go of it; the traffic everywhere! The absolute lack of parking anywhere! The parking tickets!)

Well … that’s it I guess. I have moved! And now I can walk to get ham!

Oh, here is a picture of a robot I built out of moving boxes (because I'm a fricken' wizard!):



Jealous?
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As a boy, Robot Jim was one of my favorites …

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