A Farewell from Herman Cain.

From the always delightful Borowitz Report.




A Farewell from Herman Cain

My Final Thoughts

Dear Friend,

And when I say “friend,” I mean it in the normal way, not “someone I’ve been sleeping with for 13 years.” Unless, of course, I have been sleeping with you for 13 years. In that case, I do mean it that way.

It is with a heavy heart that I have decided to end my inspirational quest for the White House. After much reassessing and reconsidering, I have decided to spend more time being screamed at by my wife. And by “more time,” I mean 24 hours a day, stopping only for bathroom breaks.

But before I go, let me share with you my final thoughts on my campaign. After months of crisscrossing this great land of ours and participating in over three hundred televised debates, I am being disqualified because of an extramarital affair. And that raises the following question: are you fucking kidding me?

I mean, let’s get real. I never heard of Libya. I didn’t know whether that CNN dude’s name was Wolf or Blitz. And my only training for running the #1 nation in the world was running its #8 pizza chain. Yet none of that, I repeat, none of that disqualified me. In fact, I was the front-fucking-runner, as long as I kept my 9-9-9 in my pants. (I have no idea what I meant by that -- I just like saying 9-9-9.)

But here’s the part that really kills me. You’re kicking me to the curb because I was messing around, and instead you’re going with… Newt Gingrich? I repeat: are you fucking kidding me? Oh, I know what you’re saying: you love Newt because he’s an “intellectual.” Well, Newt Gingrich is the intellectual of the Republican field the way Moe was the intellectual of the Stooges.

And that leads me to my final point: you disgust me, America. Right now if I had my way, I’d up and move to another country. I really, truly would. Only I don’t know where any of them are, and my wife won’t let me leave the house.

Goodbye forever,

Herman



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(Thanks to NYDana for sending this my way!)
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Looks like a Lizard, Talks like a Lizard, but it’s a …

Hey, remember Newt Gingrich? Remember back when he was running for President … wait, what?! He’s still running from president? Wait … REALLY?! Oh wow, that’s just sad … too sad to make fun of really.

Poor guy, maybe if he hadn’t made a career about of being a professional turd …



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Dear Newt

Dear Newt
by james bezerra

Maybe your campaign
staff abandoned you because
you are such a creep!

Seriously man,
you are just never gonna
be the President!

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Newt Gingrich: Worse Than We Thought.

In other magazine news: Hey, remember Newt Gingrich? He was that kind of awful, incredulous prick who led what is now sanctimoniously called “The Republican Revolution” of the 1990s?

Remember there was always that rumor that while he was witch-hunting Bill Clinton for getting a blowjob that he served divorce papers on his wife while she was in the hospital, because he was having an affair and wanted out of his marriage?

Remember how I nearly broke that TV that time throwing shit at it when he was talking?

Anyway, ESQUIRE magazine - long a waste-of-time publication about men’s hair products or something - has published a very interesting profile of the man, complete with an interview with his wife Marianne.

You can read the interview at esquire.com.

Newt comes off - same as he ever was - as a cross between a bullshit banshee and a cantankerously hypocritical fuck. Basically he’s a cancer on the soul of America. There are special places in Hell for people like this and I can only pray that he lives long enough for his grandchildren to grow up and be ashamed of him.



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