Look How Legit I Am!

I have a very short piece of flash fiction included in the latest issue of the very cool weekly literary journal Lit.Cat.

Here is a link for the whole issue.

Here is a link for just my piece.

I’m really happy this silly little piece of writing found a home.

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Maybe Then.

I have  a few minutes right now and I was thinking about all of the minutes I don’t have to do things like write to you and so I thought that it would be fitting to tell you about all of the things I have not been working on lately, because of how few minutes I have.

But first: a caveat.

As much as I like to bitch and moan, life is not particularly hard right now, just busy.

Okay, now that that is out of the way, here is what I have not been working on:

• A 50,000 word Nanowrimo novel. I managed to get about 8,000 words in before I ran out of time. I have yet to run out of ideas or desire. At this point in the month I should be up to 20,0004. I am not. And I’m feeling pretty bad about that. But I will be done with the semester in about 4 weeks, so maybe then …

• Editing the collection of poetry I wrote over the summer. You got to read many of the first drafts RIGHT HERE on this very blog (sorry about that BTW) and I was midway through revising them when my semester started and I ran out of minutes. Right now it is 107 pages of poetry and almost none of it is any good, but I am hoping to get back to it and finish it soon. If you have never attempted to write a collection of poetry, you totally should! Nothing makes you feel like you have no idea what the fuck you are doing quite like it. I want very much to return to it because despite the fact it is a deeply flawed 107 pages, I think it really has a voice and an ethos to it that articulates my feelings about poetry; basically that we should all aspire to be one part Bukowski and one part a non-reptilian form of human being. But I will be done with the semester in about 4 weeks, so maybe then …

• A chapbook of poetry that I started writing about a year ago. It is poetry about economics and capitalism in particular. As you might imagine about poetry in dialogue with macroeconomics, it is a real hootenanny of a thing. It is about 30 pages and when it is done I will be able to submit it out to contests and such, but I need to get it down to its fighting weight first and I just have not had the minutes. But I will be done with the semester in about 4 weeks, so maybe then …

• Letters! So many letters. I am trying not to make a big deal about it (in advance of having my heart broken), but I am in the process of the applying to MFA creative writing programs and that requires writing a ton of letters (1 or 2 for each school). These are “personal statements” or “personal histories” or “letters of intent” or “artist statements” and each one is a little different. I have about 7 more to write. I will be working on these this weekend, so stay tuned for updates about that. This application process has been about a year in the making for me but I still feel like I should have spent more time thinking about it more deeply, however I just don’t have the minutes. But I will be done with the semester in about 4 weeks, so maybe then …

• A photo book. This is a totally stupid idea that I have, but hear me out! The combination of an iphone 6 camera and Instagram has convinced me that I am fantastic at taking pictures of stuff and so I want to put together a print-on-demand book of photos using the website Blurb and which can be sold on Amazon. This will also be a way for me to experiment with this kind of self-publishing. I really need to sit down and gather up all of the photos I have and to start sorting through them. So far I have not had enough minutes to do this. But I will be done with the semester in about 4 weeks, so maybe then …

• A screenplay. For something like 6 or 7 years I have been tinkering with a screenplay about Jesus (but funny) and I really feel like what I need to do is just lock myself in a room for 3 weeks and just write the damn thing. Unfortunately I have not had 3 free weeks. But I will be done with the semester in about 4 weeks, so maybe then …

• A collection of stories. For reasons too byzantine to go into here, the Master’s program I am in does not allow Master's candidates to write a Master's thesis (it’s dumb). However next semester I will be taking a “culminating experience” class that will require I produce a “mini-thesis”, however it is my intent to produce a “full-blown motherfucking Master’s thesis” and just call it a “mini-thesis”. I am going to use it as an excuse to create the kind of super weird collection that I have always wanted to and which everyone has always told me not to. The kind of collection where a 30-page story about D. B. Cooper is sandwiched in between a 126 word fragment about Fyodor Dostoyevsky meeting Ted Kaczynski and a story told entirely in postcards (all of those are things I have already written, BTW). So far I have only been able to think about it in the form of scribbles in the margins of my notebook. But I will be done with the semester in about 4 weeks, so maybe then …

• My perfectly small and beautiful novel. This is the book I have been wanting to write my whole life. Small. Sweet. Smart. Shocking. Funny. Odd. Somehow I have never figured out how to turn those ingredients into a recipe. But I will be done with the semester in about 4 weeks, so maybe then …

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The Anachronistics.

The Anachronistics

by james bezerra

Socrates never had a donut. Jesus couldn’t work a telephone. Helen Keller never played Tetris. Moses never saw a penguin. Winston Churchill didn’t even have an email address. Charlemagne couldn’t dunk. Karl Marx didn’t use credit cards. Galileo Galilei had never even heard of New York CIty. Thomas Jefferson couldn’t parallel park.

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Bezerra, James

Webster’s Encyclopedic Unabridged Dictionary of the English Language, 1983

Beziers

My very last moment in France would have been that moment just before the tires left the tarmac of the runway at de Gaulle airport. In this I am not alone, as that’s how a lot of people leave France. I always consider us to be on the ground until that last lick of reinforced airline rubber ceases to be earthbound. Technically though being an inch above France is legally the same thing as being in France even if you are airborne. Everybody agrees on that. Interestingly, no one actually agrees on exactly how far up controlled airspace goes. The Fédération Aéronautique Internationale says that you’re still in airspace up to 62 miles above sea level. NASA says that if you’ve gone more than fifty miles up you’re an astronaut, congratulations. Despite this confusion, from de Gaulle it is 220 kilometers to the English Channel, 204 to the Belgium border, and 374 to Germany, so if you absolutely, positively must get out of France as quickly as possible, going straight up is still your best bet.

Many people would have liked to have that option on 21 July 1209 when Catholic forces hunting Cathars laid siege to the city during the Albigensian Crusade. Beziers is 783 kilometers from Charles de Gaulle Airport, which did not exist in 1209. The Cathars - who did not call themselves that and who would not know what you were talking about if you said that word to them - are most well-known for being implicated in Dan Brown’s The Da Vinci Code as one set of keepers of the secret knowledge of the Holy Grail (which is not actually a thing that ever existed). For $159 you can go to Beziers and take the “In The Footsteps Of The Da Vinci Code” tour. Your guide that day will tell you about the beliefs of the Cathars as the tour bus delivers you to Chateau de Termes where you will have a prepared lunch of duck breast with mixed, fresh vegetables. A vegetarian option will also be available upon request.

Bezique

The logic of card games always tends to escape me. They seem to always have far too many rules which always seem to me to be far too arbitrary. Plus those rules never stick to my brain. If you teach me how to play Bezique tonight, you’ll just have to teach me how to play it again tomorrow night because I’m not going to commit the rules to memory. The only thing I like about card games is figuring out how to cheat at them. This is really the only reason to play a card game. There are few traditions in my family, but each Christmas we all come in from wherever the winds have scattered us and spend Christmas together because we all know it makes my father happy. His own family had all the warmth and love of the cast of King Lear but without Cordelia and with far more Fools. My family all crams around a table after dinner and we play the Mattel card game Uno which has a bunch of rules that I don’t remember right now. By the end of the night most of us are hiding the good cards in our clothes or around the house because having a couple good cards at the ready is a far better way to win than learning the rules.

Bezoar

King Lear is not the worst analogy for understanding my father’s family. My paternal grandfather James - for whom I am named - was first generation American. His father had literally stowed away on a boat to get to America. His family was Portugues by way of the Azore Islands. He descended from what historians seem to enjoy calling “The Secret Jews of the Azores”. Chased off the Iberian Peninsula by the Spanish and Roman Inquisitions, they sailed west 850 miles to nine islands of volcanic rock where they took to raising goats and cows, growing grain and pretending to be Catholic. For reasons passing understanding, my grandfather’s father settled in the long, dry San Joaquin Valley of California where he took to raising goats and cows, growing grain and actually being Catholic. Eventually he sent away to the old country for a wife and pretty soon one showed up. As a boy, my grandfather James grew up in the exact same dirt that I did, out there 30 miles northwest of Tulare Lake, which was carved by a glacier during the Holocene epoch and which doesn’t exist anymore because we drained it in 1899 to turn the valley desert into farmland.

My grandfather grew up never far from the smell of cows and my father grew up never far from the smell of the descendents of those same cows. Cows are terribly dumb creatures that will eat anything. Often their stomachs will fill with things they can’t digest, things like hair (trichobezoars) or unripe fruit (diospyrobezoars). Often though they will eat metal. The last thing you want passing around in the digestive tract of a cow are tangles of baling wire. At the right angles a shaft of bailing wire is sharp enough to pierce the linings of a cow’s own organs. A dumb cow can stand there in front of you bleeding internally and you won’t even know it until it lays down and doesn’t get up again. It will just lay there in the middle of the coral and start making a low, deep, death knell moan. If the moan starts to sound wet - a little like a gurgle - the most humane thing to do is shoot it in the head because its lungs are already drowning in blood. To prevent this sort of situation, my father used to toss Alnico magnets into the feed. They are smooth silver magnets about three inches long. Errant metal will stick to them and the resulting pseudobezoar will usually lodge in one of the stomachs, which is better than the other option. My father used to call them “cow magnets” and we always had a few clean ones stuck to the fridge in the kitchen. Because they were fun to play with.        

Bezonian

A bezonian is a scoundrel and a scoundrel is a knave and a knave is a dishonest man who tries to trick you into giving him your money, which brings us back to Dan Brown.

Bezzant

I have no beef with Dan Brown, just a few bones to pick. He rewrites history to tell a story and I am all for that, but he is quite earnest about the truth of the “facts” in his books, which is ironic because he lifted the “facts” of The Da Vinci Code from the book The Holy Blood and the Holy Grail which itself is based on documents that are widely known to be forgeries. The real truth of the Holy Grail is that it was made up by a Medieval French poet called Chretien de Troyes. He was from Troyes France, which is 186 kilometers from Charles de Gaulle Airport and 740 kilometers from Beziers. Chretien de Troyes made his living writing Arthurian legends but pretending he didn’t. It was the custom of Medieval poets to pretend they were just recording a story they’d been told by someone else and therefore they weren’t responsible for the veracity of the tale. In one poem, de Troyes claimed to have been told of the Grail by a minstrel whom he paid a bezzant for a story.     

B-girl

There is an interesting moment in William Gibson’s 2003 novel Pattern Recognition when the protagonist Cayce Pollard (named for the American mystic Edgar Cayce) meets an attractive girl at Camden Market in London. Most nights the girl works at an upscale London bar flirting with rich international businessmen and encouraging them to buy more drinks. The businessmen don’t know that she’s on the clock though. Some nights she gets hired out by marketing firms to flirt with rich international businessmen and say things like, “You’d look so sexy driving the new Porsche Macan Turbo! Have you seen it? It has parallel turbochargers and respective charge air-coolers, so even when it is running hot it is still cool to the touch ...” It is interpersonal advertising and William Gibson didn’t make it up, it’s a real thing.

Bhabha, Homi J.

He is considered the father of India’s nuclear program. He studied with Niels Bohr, the Danish physicist who fled Nazisim in 1943 and joined the British nuclear weapons research program codenamed “Tube Alloys” which was later folded into the Manhattan Project which developed the atomic bombs dropped on Hiroshima and Nagasaki in August 1945. Fifty years later, in the summer of 1995 I had been spending a lot of time with my maternal grandmother. She didn’t bake but always kept packages of cookies in the oven. She would sit and play solitaire by herself and watch Headline News because Headline News was still a fascinating new development in television back in 1995. We were watching a short report about the fifty year anniversary of the bombings and the Headline News anchor was talking to a Japanese doctor who was saying that the children of the survivors of Hiroshima and Nagasaki did not have abnormally high instances of birth defects or Cancer. My grandmother - who had worked as a telephone operator while her husband was working the boilers of US Navy destroyers in the Pacific Theater in August of 1945 - stopped playing Solitaire and she said that she was glad that they didn’t have birth defects or Cancer. She said that she would have felt bad if they had.    

Bhadgaon

If you are standing in Charles de Gaulle Airport you will not be able to book a flight to Bhadgaon Nepal. Because no one calls it Bhadgaon anymore. Today it is called Bhaktapur. If you would like to go there, Turkish Airways can get you from Paris to Tribhuvan International Airport in 11 hours and 35 minutes, give or take. It will take about another fifteen minutes to get from the airport to Durbar Square in the heart of Bhaktapur. Lonely Planet is a great place to learn about the places that I probably won’t ever see. I visit their website quite a lot because the passport that got me onto and off of the ground at de Gaulle  is going to expire in 2016 and too many of its light blue pages are still blank. I keep a little box by my bed where at night I keep the things I keep in my pockets during the day: keys, wallet, small notebook, pen, phone. I keep my passport in that box too. I see it every day and it reminds me every day that the world is too big and too complicated and too fascinating to sit on the couch and eat tortilla chips. It reminds me that my great grandfather hid in a barrel - or something - in order to cross the Atlantic Ocean. It reminds me that a few hundred years ago a guy with some of my blood in him sat on a rocky crag on the island on Sao Miguel and watched his goats and looked at the sea to the east and Europe beyond and wondered if people were going to come kill him because of the things he believed. It reminds me to get out more.

Bhagavad-Gita

A few years ago I was on campus and a young white guy with dirty blond dreads wanted to tell me about Hinduism. It was totally insensitive of me, but he somehow reminded me of the white Hare Krishnas in the 1980 Zucker Brothers movie Airplane! and so I stopped to talk to him because I thought it would be funny. There is a very fine line between young American men who have truly found deep spiritual meaning in Eastern religions and those who are just Orientalizing so much that they just think they have. We talked for a few minutes and then I told him I had to go, because I wanted to go. He offered me a fat orange copy of the Bhagavad-Gita, which I took because why the hell not? And then he told me that it cost $10. So I gave it back to him and thus, have remained unenlightened.   

Bhajan

There exists a Youtube channel called “MIX - Super Hit Hindi Bhajans”. I want so very much to make fun of this, but I can’t quite stick the landing. Where is the joke in this? A bhajan is a kind of Hindu devotional song and I think having a Youtube channel of devotional Hindu songs is funny the same way that Baptist churches in strip malls are funny, or the way that it’s funny that the Presbyterian Korean church on Devonshire clearly used to be a Circuit City. I want to say something here about what happens when spirituality and technology collide like when they tested the first atom bomb in the desert of New Mexico and J. Robert Oppenheimer said, “Now I am become death, the destroyer of worlds.”  I want to say something about what happens when the personal and the commercial collide because an attractive girl is whispering into your ear in a dark London bar. Something about when the eternal and the impermanent collide, like nations pretending that they could ever possibly own the sky. I want to say something here about how sometimes the true and the false collide and in doing so make a story; that’s how Dan Brown does it after all. I want to say something here about how sad it is that even when you are only an inch off the the French tarmac, you’re already on your way home and your passport is an inch closer to expiring.


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Commies.

I came across this today:

When I feed the hungry, they call me a saint. When I ask why people are hungry, the call me a communist.

 Helder Camara, Archbishop of Olinda (1909-1999) 



Sing it brother.
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