Some Modern Proverbs I Am Trying to Get Off the Ground.

Here are some modern proverbs I am trying to get off the ground:




It is better to have a dozen ducks in your living room, than one howler monkey in your bathroom.



Never Google anything you don’t want Google to know you were Googling.



Don’t take a knife to a gun fight. Better to just not go to the gun fight at all.



Sometimes the grass actually is greener on the other side.



There are only two kinds of women, those who want to sleep with me, and lesbians.*



There are only three kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t.**



No matter how much or how hard you work today, there will always be more work to do tomorrow.



Never trust a man who likes Mad Men too much.



Chess is not a metaphor for life and you’re a douche bag for acting like it is.



Even Han Solo had girl trouble sometimes.


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*This one is not mine, it was said by my friend Mike the Director’s dad.


**I’m pretty sure someone said this to me recently, though I simply cannot remember who or where or when.





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Conversational Strategery.

So my roommate Eggplant (still test driving blog named for her) and I were just talking about stuff and in the course of talking we stumbled across something that we disagreed about and I was getting all geared up to explain to her why she doesn’t know what the hell she’s talking about and all of the sudden she was all like, “Nope, you’re totally right, I agree.”

And I was bumfuzzled and disappointed because one of my favorite things to do is explain to people why they don’t know what the hell they are talking about.

And then I realized that she wasn’t agreeing with me at all! In fact she was only trying to placate me until it was time for her to leave. She was expressing her disagreement through the strategy of Agreement and that is like one of those perfect chess moves that I don’t know anything about, wherein the opponent is left with literally no options but to flip the table over and storm out of the chess tournament hall. That’s what I felt like. I wanted to go all Bobby Fischer all over the situations, but I realized and accepted that I had been beaten in a game of conversational stratagem (or “strategery” if you’re a Republican).

My roommate Eggplant then did a little victory lap about how we have only been in this apartment two months but she already knows how to win. And apparently it is by ostensibly agreeing with me.

And to this I say, “What the fuck ever.”

I feel like I had commanded the prettiest horse cavalry in all the world, six months into World War I.

I really hope that this whole “I agree with you” thing doesn’t catch on, because I would find it hard to live in a world where there’s no one to get angry and indignant at.


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