Long Slow Ride.

Last week I got to take a nice long train trip. I love the train! For some reason I have very much romanticized train travel. I like that it takes a really, really long time to get anywhere. I like that you get to watch unfamiliar landscapes roll by. I like getting to pass through towns I’ve never been to, I like seeing the people on the streets and waiting in their cars. I like waving to strangers at railroad crossings. I like the tight, narrow stairways that make me feel like I’m descending into a submarine. I like that there is something lonely about trail travel. I like - oddly - the feeling of stillness that it creates in me. That is oxymoronic, I know, but I think that it is due to the fact that even though one is in motion the whole time, one is also confined to that very narrow train car; there is nowhere to go, there is very little to do, and as long as you can prevent yourself from wasting that time playing games on your phone, then there is great potential to relax, to look out the window, and to just simply relax, to let your mind unfurl and to wonder at the world.

Those are some of the reasons that I like the train.

I went from Burbank up to San Jose, which was something like a ten hour ride. Here are some of the - admittedly terrible - pictures that I took along the way.

The lower portion of my body, awesome Chucks, and a Kindle.

The train as it makes a long, slow turn.

You have to look really close, but this is a picture of some Amish people who were on my train. I’m not sure if Amish people are supposed to use the train. I would have asked them, but I thought that creepily taking pictures of them would be more fun.

It is always 5 o’clock somewhere (on the train, usually wherever I’m sitting).

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Butter Churn.

Butter Churn


by james bezerra



I would really like

to see –

and to pee

in - the sea.

However, unfortunately

I am Amish and

live outside of Cincinnati.

So instead I just churn my butter

and think that things might get better

when the End Times come,

because perhaps then

Jesus will bring the sea to me!

 
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Go West, Jethro!

So apparently The Amish are spreading out across the country.

Read this article about it!

They have experienced a 10% population increase in two years!

Let’s think about that for a second: 10% in TWO years.

That is a lot.

Apparently this population boom is encouraging them to spread out to find new places to have little Amish communities, or “Weird villages full of polite crazy people” as the experts sometimes call them.

Here is some food for thought though: population growth of 10% in two years can only be achieved one way, and that way is with a whole hell of a lot of sex. Which means that there is a whole hell of a lot of Amish sex happening. All the time, apparently. Probably because those formless, ill-fitting black dresses are just so sexy. And don’t even get me started on how good a man looks in a beard like that.

Although you’ll probably get to experience all of that sexy first-hand since there are probably Amish people moving into the house next door to you at this very moment. I feel sorry for you because that barbeque that you were planning for this weekend is totally going to get overshadowed by that barn-raising there are going to have in their backyard. Also, they are probably having WAY more sex than you are.

They’re like bunnies, those crazy Amish.

Oh, BTW, if you are Amish and this blog post happened to offend you, please just let me say, what the hell are you doing on the internet?


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Amish Porn.

This is - verbatim - an email that I just sent, of which I am very proud:

Little known fact about the Amish: the only reason that they decided to seclude themselves so thoroughly is so that they would have more time to watch porn. True story. What do you think that they do in all of those barns?


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