Parallel Universe Goat.

Parallel Universe Goat

by james bezerra

Wouldn’t it be weird if we lived in a parallel universe where we all had to keep a goat in our homes? Like for religious reasons and stuff? And we all had to worship the goat? Like the way that Hindus revere cows? I think it would be weird because goats are such awful, willful little creatures. With their devil eyes. And they just eat simply everything. See, because eventually we’d get annoyed with them. And that isn’t so good, since we’re supposed to revere them. And how can you genuinely revere something that you’re pissed at because it is gnawing on the edge of your couch?

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Leaf Heads.

Leaf Heads

by james bezerra

Hey, wouldn’t it be weird if we lived in a world where – instead of growing leaves – trees grew tiny heads that could talk? But the heads had the same life cycle as leaves? So at first the trees spout tiny little baby heads and those heads just cry all the time. So if you left your window open on a warm Spring night – instead of hearing the rustle of the leaves – you would hear thousands of softly crying baby heads.

And then in the Summer, when the leaf/heads are fully matured you would hear them all talking to each other. They would be saying things like, “How did we get here?” or “What is going on?” or “Why are we so high up?” or “Why don’t I have a body?!”

But then as Fall set in the leaf/heads would start aging and changing colors and shriveling up and dying. So if you were out for an evening stroll you would only be able to hear a cacophony of shrieks and groans because all the heads would be screaming, “Oh god, oh god! I don’t want to die! I don’t want to die! Please help me!” And as the weather grew colder and the leaves fell, the ground would become covered in a brown festering layer of dead, rotting heads.

Then the Winter would finally descent and there would maybe only be one sad, lonely leaf/head left hanging on the branch outside your window. And at night, when you crawl into bed, you would still be able to see its face lit up in the pale moonlight. And you could see its sad, lonely, putrefying eyes looking in at you. And you would look back at it and you would be struck by the sadness you see in its disfigured, but still very human-looking, face. You would realize how lucky you are. And how warm you are. And you would stare at that leaf face and you would want to say something. But you wouldn’t be able to think of anything to say. And you would feel a real sympathy and a kind of sadness so deep that it makes you uncomfortable. So uncomfortable that – even though it makes you feel awful – you get up and close the curtains so that it can’t look at you anymore. Then you go back to bed and you lay with your back facing the window. And then when you wake up the next day and look outside you see that the face is gone. That it broke loose sometime in the night and you look down and see it laying there on top of a fresh layer of white snow. You see how black and misshapen and alone it is. And you feel guilty again for not having done anything to help, even though you still don’t know what you could have done.

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Literally.

Hey, I was just thinking, wouldn’t it be weird if – when your band chooses a name – you all suddenly adopt the physical traits implied by the name? That would be strange, right?

All the members of Radiohead instantly develop radios for heads! And then conversations like this one might ensue:

INT. Two women are waiting in an airport security line.

WOMAN 1: Hey look over there! See those guys getting felt up by the TSA? Those are the members of Radiohead!

WOMAN 2: Are you sure? How do you know?

WOMAN 1: Because they have fricken’ radios for heads … come on, keep up. Seriously.


Just think of all the fun and chaos!

The Shins? Just giant man-sized shins with mouths. The Rolling Stones? You guessed it … giant stones, which roll (though now days they don’t roll so much as get rolled around by their live-in nurse maids). The Pixies? Yep, they turn into pixies (How funny would it be to watch Frank Black sing “Wave of Mutilation” when he’s four inches tall and leaking magical dust on everything?).

Although, the obvious and inevitable result of living in a world where such transformations are possible based on the name of the band you’re in would be that every single group of high school dudes who form a band will call their band “Really Big Dicks”.

Although it would always be possible that the Universe might slake a terrible vengeance down upon them and instead of increasing the size of their genitals it might just choose to turn them into BMW-driving Republicans (Hahahahahahaha! Sometimes I find myself hilarious … somebody has to.)

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Parallel Universe Blood Bank.

Do you think that there is a parallel universe out there where the only thing different is that in the parallel universe blood banks and actual banks are the same place? And they store all of the blood in safe deposit boxes or something? Long metal boxes just filled to spilling with human blood? And instead of a PIN number you have to prick your finger on a biometric needle? And how do I know that they’ve been keeping that needle clean? And when you go in to apply for a loan or whatever, the lobby is always filled with slightly tired people eating Twinkies and watching TV because they just gave blood. And when you get money from the ATM it always comes out a little blood stained because the guy right before you just deposited a bunch of blood into the same slot. That would be weird, right?

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Parallel Universe Fruit.

Do you think that there is a parallel universe out there where the only thing different is that in the parallel universe it is customary to put tiny hats on all of our fruit? So – like – when you go to the grocery store all of the oranges are wearing little (but proportional) top hats? And all the apples have on cowboy hats? And every single grape has a tiny fedora stuck to it? And at home in your junk drawer, along with rubber bands and dead batteries and electrical tape, you have a couple extra old fruit hats, just in case you loose one of the hats on the way home from the grocery store? And what if that was just the way that the world was? Would there be an entire industry devoted to the manufacture of small hats for fruit? And – like – once upon a time the fruit hats were really nice and actually made of felt and stuff, but now-a-days they’re all cheap and mass produced? Since consumerist culture cares less about quality? Anyway, That would be weird, right?

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