Project Space.

This post is for my awesome UNIV 62E class. They have an upcoming project about analysing spaces and places. So we’re going to talk about the pictures below and try to figure out where they were taken, what cultures are involved, and why we can figure that out at all. If you’re not in my UNIV 62E class, then please just enjoy these pictures. Or come audit my class. You’ll have a blast! I’m one of those ‘cool teachers’ who swears and is occasionally hungover.

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How to Buy a Car.

How to Buy a Car

a short play

by james bezerra

LIGHTS FADE UP from black. VINCE and STAN are sitting in two folding chairs on an otherwise bare black stage. They are successful but aging musicians. STAN is wearing a denim vest with metal and patches on it. VINCE is wearing black leather driving gloves. It would be great if they have mohawks, but that’s really not required.

There are some musical instruments. There is pushbroom on the floor.

STAN: I know that we’re a famous punk rock band but now that I have kids I am seriously considering buying a Volvo and a house with a two-car garage.

VINCE: I don’t know man, a Volvo doesn’t sound very Punk Rock.

STAN: You drive a BMW.

VINCE: What’s wrong with a BMW? It has heated seats.

STAN: I’m just saying that a BMW doesn’t seem terribly Punk Rock.

DELBERT (enters): Hey guys, sorry I’m late. What did I miss?

VINCE: Well Stan here is thinking about selling out.

STAN: That’s not cool!

DELBERT: Selling out? How much are they offering you?

STAN: I said that I was thinking about buying a Volvo because I have kids now and it just doesn’t feel right to drive them around in the back of a windowless van with no seats in it, you know? It doesn’t seem safe.

DELBERT: Oh, sure, well I understand that.

VINCE: No! No! That is selling out to The Man.

STAN: Dude, you have a house with a swimming pool and a jacuzzi. You have a guy who works for you whose only job is to clean the pool and the jacuzzi.

VINCE: What’s your point?

DELBERT: Oh wait! I think I get it! See Vince, the point that Stan is trying to make is that we have all gotten rich and famous by embracing a certain amount of discontent, aggression and social non-conformity, but that by simply becoming rich and famous we have engaged in the same social power structure and economic ladder-climbing that we got famous by being opposed to. And, as an example, Stan is pointing out that while you still write songs about rebelling against the class system, you seem to be hypocritically enjoying the benefits of being at the top of it.

STAN: Yeah, that’s exactly what I meant. What he said.

VINCE: Well that’s not true at all. In fact, I think I know what this is REALLY about; you guys are both just jealous that I got invited to P. Diddy’s place in the Hamptons for New Years.

STAN: No. No, that is not what this is about.

DELBERT: Yeah, I think you have basically misunderstood everything I said.

VINCE: You know what, I don’t have time for this. I have a tee time at the club. I’m playing with some movie stars and investment bankers. At least those guys are Punk Rock. They don’t give a fuck about anything. Or anybody. Not even their own kids, or puppies, and certainly not humanity in general. Yeah, so fucking Punk Rock.

STAN: No. No. Look, there isn’t any way that investment bankers can be Punk Rock. It is antithetical to the fundamental ideology of Punk Rock.

VINCE: No, these guys are pretty cool.

DELBERT: You know Stan, it is possible that Vince makes a good point. If the real nature of Punk Rock is simply nihilism, then it would be possible for investment bankers to be Punk Rock. In fact, by holding onto an outdated idea of what Punk Rock is, it would then be you who is not being Punk Rock.

STAN: What?!

VINCE: See? What he said.

STAN: No, that is ridiculous. I am wearing a jacket with a bunch of metal stuff on it and patches safety pinned to it; I am clearly the Punk Rock one.

DELBERT: Oh, I don’t know. That seems like a pretty superficial way to define what something is.

VINCE: Yeah! See Stan? The new Punk Rock is driving a BMW to my private club and playing golf with bankers before going into the studio and recording a song about being anti-establishment. What about that is so difficult to grasp?

DELBERT: Actually, I’m pretty sure that isn’t Punk Rock either ...

STAN: Wait, if both of us are wrong then how do I prove that I am more Punk Rock than Vince is?

VINCE: Not by buying a Volvo …

DELBERT: Well, you know, it might be possible that this entire conversation is pointless because the very soul of Punk Rock has been dead for decades, seeing as how it was really just a teenage social and musical movement in parts of Great Britain after World War II. And maybe what we all think of as “Punk Rock” is really just an aesthetic that has been packaged and marketed to us over the years; almost as though the entire anti-establishment philosophy has been commoditized and sold to us like any other kind of branded product.

VINCE: That is a really interesting idea, but all of this talking has made me really thirsty. Stan do you have any Coca-Cola?

STAN: I only have Pepsi. Is Pepsi okay?

VINCE: No. I only drink Coca-Cola.

DELBERT: Guys, they’re both just syrupy carbonated beverages. Most people can’t actually even tell them apart.

Both VINCE and STAN: BULLSHIT!

DELBERT: Its true. In blind taste tests most of the population can’t tell the difference. The brand loyalty you feel is just because of a hundred years of marketing.

VINCE: Do you think I’m stupid? Is that what you’re saying? That I can’t make my own decisions?

DELBERT: No, but I think that the people who are trying to sell you things think that you’re stupid.

VINCE: See? You just called me stupid again. Questioning any of the things I believe in is the same as calling me stupid. I’m not a status-symbol whore! And you’re lucky that I’m really looking forward to playing twelve holes with my new Titleist clubs today, because if I wasn’t in such a hurry I would take off one of these new leather BMW driving gloves that I am wearing and smack you across your lying face.

STAN: Wait, wait! Don’t get violent. Maybe he is just saying that most of the things in our lives that we think we need, we only think we need because we have been convinced by advertising and society that need them!

VINCE: That’s ridiculous.

DELBERT: I think that maybe we would all be a little bit happier if we stopped buying things in order to define ourselves.

STAN: That is a very interesting philosophy and I will pay you to tell me more about it.

DELBERT: I think you’re missing the point …

STAN: Well now I’m just confused; should I buy a Volvo or not?

VINCE: Don’t buy it unless you can put rims on it and a tow package for your boat.

STAN: I don’t have a boat.

VINCE: You can borrow one of mine.

DELBERT: No, look, guys, I’m just saying … Stan you should buy a Volvo if you think that is the car that is best and safest for your family … and Vince I think that you might need to deal with the fact that you really like buying shit. And that’s okay, if that’s what makes you happy, but perhaps you should really look inside yourself to figure out why that is so important to you.

All are quiet for a beat; thinking.

VINCE: Did I mention that one of my boats has a pirate flag on it?

STAN: Ooooooh, well that IS totally Punk Rock!

VINCE: I know, right?!

STAN: You know what I’m going to do? I’m going to buy the Volvo, but I’m going to put a Black Flag bumper sticker on it.

VINCE: Yes!

DELBERT: Guys …

STAN: And one for The Locust, if I can find one.

VINCE: Even better!

DELBERT: Guys …

VINCE: And instead of a Volvo, you should get a Ferrari.

STAN: That just makes sense to me!

DELBERT: Guys …

VINCE: You know what? Why don’t you come golfing with me? I’m playing with these multi-millionaire businessmen who used to be a band called Metallica.

STAN: Sounds good.

STAN and VINCE exit.

DELBERT: Guys … GUYS! … (Turns to the audience) They don’t ever listen to me because I’m not in the band. I’m just in charge of finding all of the six thousand dollar guitars that they break onstage during the shows. I’m also the janitor because that’s the only way I could get good health insurance (picks up the broom and begins sweeping the stage). We’re all done here ... the play is over ... I have to finish working though. (After a beat he turns back, sticks his tongue out, hisses and throws the devil-horned rock-out hand gesture.)

BLACKOUT

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Literally.

Hey, I was just thinking, wouldn’t it be weird if – when your band chooses a name – you all suddenly adopt the physical traits implied by the name? That would be strange, right?

All the members of Radiohead instantly develop radios for heads! And then conversations like this one might ensue:

INT. Two women are waiting in an airport security line.

WOMAN 1: Hey look over there! See those guys getting felt up by the TSA? Those are the members of Radiohead!

WOMAN 2: Are you sure? How do you know?

WOMAN 1: Because they have fricken’ radios for heads … come on, keep up. Seriously.


Just think of all the fun and chaos!

The Shins? Just giant man-sized shins with mouths. The Rolling Stones? You guessed it … giant stones, which roll (though now days they don’t roll so much as get rolled around by their live-in nurse maids). The Pixies? Yep, they turn into pixies (How funny would it be to watch Frank Black sing “Wave of Mutilation” when he’s four inches tall and leaking magical dust on everything?).

Although, the obvious and inevitable result of living in a world where such transformations are possible based on the name of the band you’re in would be that every single group of high school dudes who form a band will call their band “Really Big Dicks”.

Although it would always be possible that the Universe might slake a terrible vengeance down upon them and instead of increasing the size of their genitals it might just choose to turn them into BMW-driving Republicans (Hahahahahahaha! Sometimes I find myself hilarious … somebody has to.)

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The Things We Could Do!

Recently I wrote a post on this very blog about how I was paranoid about how good our culture is at marketing. Specifically I thought that this internet ad for a dating sight had figured out my taste in women based on my taste in music. Well … never mind.

I just got an email from Amazon about how much I want to buy some patio furniture.

Needless to say, I have no interest in buying patio furniture.

This raises an interesting thought though, we all act like marketing is bad, right? There is something very American about, “Hey leave me alone and don’t know anything about me! This is my log cabin/windowless van and it is no business of yours what goes on in here!”

And that’s all fine and good. I like privacy too. But as far as general advertising and marketing goes, don’t we want that industry to be better at what it does? I mean, if they could really zero us in using demographic databases and complex algorithms and super-intelligent, semi-autonomous computers and, like, a couple of Ouija boards, would that be such a bad thing? Would it mean that I would only get emails from Amazon about stuff that I want to buy? Or would like to buy?

Imagine one day in the near future when the cable companies finally partner with some huge marketing firm and come up with a way to select commercials for you based on your viewing habits and what the Ouija board/super computer tells them about your spending habits. Imagine! You would never have to see another commercial for a monster truck rally ever again! But I would see them all the time (because I love me a tractor pull! And that dinosaur robot that eats cars!). The Ouija computer would know if you watch a lot of outdoor shows and when it is time for commercials it decides to show you Sports Authority commercials!

Something about that is scary, but I think this is like being in a very tall building, it seems scary, but isn’t actually. I mean, what’s the harm in that?

But I do realize some people are more scared of this stuff than I am and some people are WAY more protective of their privacy/windowless van interiors than I am. For instance, I think that cars should have computers in them that report you if you are speeding dangerously. The little computer would just be all like, “120 miles an hour seems a little fast for this school zone” and then it narcs you out via some sort of On-star style satellite connection. Everybody I have ever shared this idea with just bristles at the very thought of it, but I have no problem with it.

Hey! Maybe in some dystopian future-America the Ouija computer will also have access to the computer in your car and it will know if you drive like an asshole and then every commercial you see on TV will be for a new BMW!

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