Dear The NSA.

Dear The NSA,

You’ll notice that in the short story below I included the tag “IED”, I did this against my better judgement as a writer (What is subtlety after all, if we explain it?), but I put it there for you dear The National Security Agency, so that you can know why I have been reading about land mines all night.

Also, since you’re here, I have a couple of questions I have been wanting to ask: When I use Google Chrome’s incognito window, you can’t see what I’m looking at? Right? Right???

Also, did you build your massive data center in Utah because it is somehow affiliated with that secret Mormon bunker where they keep the “gold plates”? I’m not a conspiracy guy, but it just seems like a pretty big coincidence ...

Also, are you guys hiring? I have a year left in my program, but I would totally dig a job with security clearance.  I want one of the good ones though. What’s better than top secret? I want that one. I would also like to meet those aliens you guys have. That is you guys, right? Or is that the Air Force? I can never keep track of who has the aliens and who is run by the Illuminati. It’s not CIA, because they’re run by the Skull and Crossbones guys, so you must be the Illuminati one.

Also, I would like you to teach me how to “hack a mainframe”. I don’t know what that means but I have seen people do it in movies and it always seems like a useful skill.

In conclusion, thanks for your time and your interest in my internet browsing habits. I promise that I was only reading about landmines and IEDs because I wanted to know what they were made out of, how they were constructed, transported, placed, and detonated. That’s all. I swear.

Keep up the good work protecting me from myself.

TTFN,

j.



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Manhattanhenge. The 2nd Greatest henge in the world!

So if you’re like me and you’re already acquainted with every single bit of minutia ever and it is occupying the space in your brain that is supposed to be reserved for information like your street address (which I still can not remember exactly, but I'm getting close!) then you certainly have already heard of “Manhattanhenge”.

If you haven’t, you can either read the Wiki page about it, or you can just see my bad ass description below.

So the island of Manahattan is basically laid out on a grid (with the exception of Broadway, which was build on top of a Indian hunting trail, which was originally a migratory animal path across the island). The East-West streets are all laid out at the same angle and twice a year they line up directly with the sunset. Today was one of those days.

Sadly, today was foggy. Booooooooo.

Here is a tongue-in-cheek article about what alien archeologists might be able to ascertain about us in the future when they study “Manhattanhenge”.

Big props to DKBP for sending this article over.




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The IRS and also some aliens.

So I don't know if these things are true, but last night I read them in a book (so I am inclined to believe):

A memo written in July 1969 refers to the formation of an internal unit to oversee all IRS monitoring of "ideological, militant, subversive, radical, and similar type organizations." This group was known as the Special Service Staff.

Also this tid-bit:

If the government has no knowledge of aliens, then why does Title 14, Section 1211 of the Code of Federal Regulations implemented on July 16, 1969, make it illegal for U.S. citizens to have any contact with extraterrestrials or their vehicles?

That I found both of these "facts" in a book called "The Paranoid's Pocket Guide" does not mean that these things are lies.

Somebody should look into these things. Somebody who is not me.

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The Alien Books

So I was looking at my books and I was thinking about how when the humanity dies out and the aliens come and start digging around, I hope that they find some of the good books and not just the crap. I got a little worried through because there is so much crap out there compared to how much there is that is truly great. I was lovingly caressing my copy of ‘One Hundred Years of Solitude’ and saying to it, “I hope that they find you.”

My hope as a writer is always to write one of those books that the aliens should find.

The reality is that the aliens are probably going to find a whole shit-load of Stephen King books (sad for us humanity) but we can HOPE that they find ‘One Hundred Years of Solitude’.

I was thinking though, I hope they find ‘One Hundred Years’ and not ‘Love in the Time of Cholera’ because – let’s face it – the latter is crap compared to the former.

And that got me thinking about other SPECIFIC things that I hope the aliens find.

For instance, I was wondering what work of Shakespeare’s I would hope the aliens find. The easy answer is HAMLET, but while HAMLET is fun and interesting, it is deeply flawed as a work and isn’t a masterpiece (if you disagree you’re probably in high school, Google: HAMLET, G.B. SHAW). Some people think that LEAR is a seminal work that is successful on every level.

I asked Violet, she has a theater degree after all, and she said two things:

1) She doesn’t think Lear works on every level and …
2) She says that A MIDSUMMER NIGHTS DREAM is the work of Shakespeare’s that she hopes the aliens find because is a play about the good in people and not just the bad. She said that it is a play with no real bad guy and that everyone ends up in love and what is better than that?

How can you not love a girl like that?

So anyway, I am considering putting MIDSUMMER on my list of things for the aliens. I’m not sure what else should go on the list because I’m not really certain how to define the list itself. People will make the standard suggestions: HUCK FINN, ULYSSES, PARADISE LOST, but I don’t know. I’m apt to distrust the standard suggestions. That’s part of why I like Violet’s reasoning for MIDSUMMER.

Anyway, I’m going to give it all some more thought. You should too. We will meet back here with our lists and then we will build ourselves a double-hulled time capsule and we will put a big blinking light on it so that the aliens will be sure to see it.