The editors here at standardkink are pleased to inaugurate a new occasional Q&A series that we’re calling “ASK AN ASTROPHYSICIST!” Some of the questions we receive here are too complicated for our staff to answer and so he have worked out a first-of-its-kind partnership program with JPL and the California Institute of Technology whereby ACTUAL ASTROPHYSICISTS will answer your questions. We are very excited about this. Please read on.
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Submitted by Frederick Thomas Paper, Dentist
What is the name of that thing called - you know - when electromagnetic radiation moves toward a lower energy state on a longer wavelength?
ASTROPHYSICIST: I believe you’re attempting to describe red shift.
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Submitted by Stober M. Zipfain, Dental Assistant
So how did you guys fake the moon landing?
ASTROPHYSICIST: That actually happened.
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Submitted by Stober M. Zipfain, Dental Assistant
Yeah, sure, but really though?
ASTROPHYSICIST: Look, I didn’t work here then.
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Submitted by William Blake Wilsoncraft, Orthodontist
Did you ever see Capricorn One? I think that’s a pretty accurate guess at how they would fake something like that.
ASTROPHYSICIST: Isn’t that the movie where O.J. Simpson plays an astronaut? I can’t imagine anything about that being accurate.
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Submitted by Helen Glass-Skapskin, Dental Hygienist
What, are you a racist or something? What about Neil deGrasse Tyson?
ASTROPHYSICIST: No, I am not a racist. I just meant that it would take an unreasonable suspension of disbelief to accept O.J. Simpson as an astronaut. I have nothing but respect for Dr. Tyson.
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Submitted by Wade Wayne Wammerson, Dental Technician
Did you ever hear that joke about what do you call a black astronaut?
ASTROPHYSICIST: I’m not going to answer that.
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Submitted by Craig “the Craigbot” Botterman, Dental Therapist
I have not heard that joke, what is the punchline?
ASTROPHYSICIST: Okay, look, I was told that these would be questions related to physics.
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Submitted by Angeline Trethewey, Oral Surgeon
How come all of the characters on Big Bang Theory are white?
ASTROPHYSICIST: I’m pretty sure one of them is Indian and a couple of them are Jewish. Are any of these questions actually going to be about physics? Or any kind of science? Any kind of science would be fine.
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Submitted by Jerome J. Ithica, Periodontist
My question relates to paleontology: which sort of dinosaur did Jesus ride? My mother says it was a Stegosaurus, but I think it had to have been a Brontosaurus. Which of us is correct?
ASTROPHYSICIST: Okay, you guys are just fucking with me now, right?
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Submitted by Hedwin Clarke Naimerk, Dental Lab Technician
Who would win in a fight between one unicorn-sized leprechaun and a hundred leprechaun-sized unicorns?
ASTROPHYSICIST: Yeah, I’m done with this.
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Please don’t forget to follow us here at standardkink so that you won’t miss the next instalment of ASK AN ASTROPHYSICIST!
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