Everybody is a Hypocrite: The Game!

So I was watching on the television about this angry, hateful moron who shot the (abortion) doctor while he was handing out programs in church, and (after the heart-burn-boil of what-the-fuck-is-wrong-with-people! subsided) I thought about the mental gymnastics that had to happen in order for someone like this to feel not only justified, but self-righteous.

I mean, really?

But then I played the game that I like to play sometimes. It is a mental game about what people believe, but it kind of functions like connect-the-dots, six degrees of Kevin Bacon game but - you know - issue oriented.

I will start with some full disclosure and by telling you that I am a liberal (but not crazy!), life-long Democrat who believes strongly in gay rights and reproductive rights and (reluctantly, some) gun rights. I’m a death penalty fence-sitter. I rejoice in the separation of church and state, but I will admit that our national identity is based on a bed rock of (oh-so-Puritan) Christian values. I support our troops (the same way you do, by saying I do and then taking a nap) but I am distrustful of what our military does to our troops and I will mock a Marine in a giant pick-up truck faster than you can call me a hypocrite.

But you know who else I dislike? Hippies. Dirty, dirty hippies. With their tree-hugging and their acoustic guitars and their worthy causes and really expensive fair-trade products and their long, dirty hair. And also surfers. I hate surfers, with their fake Zen bullshit; spending a lot of time sitting in the water doing nothing does not necessarily qualify you for enlightenment. But also hunters annoy the living hell out of me; shut your face with all this respecting the animals crap and what-the-hell-ever, take a god damn photo of the thing instead of tacking its head to your wall. Anyway, the point is, I have my biases but I admit it.

Anywhoo …

I like to play this game where I try to figure out what a wholly logical person would believe if we lived in a world where the things that people believed had anything what so ever to do with logic, or at least a world wherein things made sense. This game is called: Everybody is a Hypocrite.

So let’s start with Scott Roeder, this putrid, sack-of-shit, anti-abortion “activist” who murdered Dr. Tillman inside a Kansas church.

If you believe that abortion is wrong because it extinguishes a life then - and we are using logic here – you would also believe that killing any person (in this case a 67-year-old doctor) is also wrong. Presto! Ergo: if you are pro-life, you are pro-life.

That’s the whole game!

Sounds dumb, right? Oh but keep going …

If you believe abortion is wrong then you believe killing is wrong, if you believe killing is wrong, then you are anti-death penalty! Hooray! How do you like them apples the State of Texas! Anti-abortion = anti-capital punishment.

Also, if you are anti-abortion because you are pro-life, and you are anti-killing people, and therefore anti-capital punishment, then I don’t see how, in all good faith, you can possibly ever be supportive of war, or the military-industrial complex that turns 18-year-olds into the most efficient killing machines the world has ever seen.

So there you go; it is a straight line of logic, if you are anti-abortion then you do not support the military because of your unimpeachable commitment to life.

Imagine if THAT political party existed, they would never get a single vote.

Now just to prove that I am fair and balanced, let’s start with a liberal, lefty issue. One that is near and dear to my heart: gay rights.

Now you have seen those “Protect Marriage” douche bags do this on Fox News: if you are in favor of gay marriage because you think that anyone who wants to get married should be able to, then you are in favor of adults being able to marry children (if they are in love) and you are even in favor of people being able to marry animals (as long as they are in love!) and so forth and so on.

I know, that example was weak, but it IS WEAK! I didn’t come up with it.

Here, this one is better: If you are in favor of gay marriage because you think it is not the government’s role to meddle in people’s lives, then you should also be pro-choice for the same reason (right, I’m not exactly blazing any trails making that connection, I know, but how about this one - - - - >), and so if you feel that the it is not the government’s role to meddle in people’s lives, then you are also a supporter of gun rights, and hunters’ rights, and the rights of people to not wear their seat belts. Also, if you believe so much in personal freedom, then you must be in favor of people being able to home-school their kids without any pesky government regulation. Also, since you think the government should not be in the business of regulating things, you are obviously a pro-business pragmatist who thinks that lumber companies should be able to log wherever they want and that oil companies should be able to drill wherever they want, because you are all about freedom and the government staying out of people’s lives.

So this is a new political party composed of gays, hunters, oil companies and those kinda creepy people who home-school their kids. Hooray for logic!

Now I realize that some of these things are in fact LEAPS of logic, but draw a straight line from one issue to another and then tell me if the Republican Party platform makes any sense: a (theoretically) small government that only loosely regulates business, but polices what a woman can do with her body, that supports the rights of people to own fully-automatic assault weapons, while not supporting their right to get married to who they want. Does that make any sense?

The point is that NONE of it makes any sense at all. That’s the point, everybody is a hypocrite.

And I challenge you to not play this game in your head while you are driving to work. I challenge you!
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