Mister Willis.

Well now I have Bruce Willis on the brain so I am going to attempt to remember as many Bruce Willis movies as I can without referencing any database other than the one inside of my freakishly balding head:




Moonlight Kingdom (Obviously)

Armageddon (Harry Stamper says goodbye to his daughter Liv Tyler and always makes everyone cry no matter how many times they have watched it on Sunday afternoon TV)

The Fifth Element (An Orange tank top, really? But Gary Oldman was kind of a badass, right?)

Die Hard (Awesome.)

Die Hard 2: Die Harder (Um … okay, that’s still awesome. I guess …)

Die Hard 3: Yet Even More Hard Dying (Say what you will but Jeremy Irons is pretty cool when he gets out of the car and walks into the bank and an instrumental version of “When Johnny Comes Marching Home” is playing in the background. OH! And man, that scene in the elevator when Bruce Willis realizes that he is going to have to straight up murder an entire elevator full of people! Well that’s just good dying harderness!)

Die Hard 4: Live Free of Die Hard (Hey remember that scene when Bruce Willis jumps onto a fighter jet as it flies under a freeway overpass? Neither do I because I didn’t go see this thing either)

North (the B.W. as the reoccurring spirit guide type guy in this children’s version of “A Christmas Carole” knock off. Why have I seen this movie?)

Death Becomes Her (I really don’t remember this movie at all)

The Last Boy Scout (I wasn’t allowed to watch this as a kid and when I finally did I remember thinking, “Yep, there’s a reason I wasn’t allowed to watch this as a kid.”)

Pulp Fiction (Everybody always forgets he’s in this! He machine gunned John Travolta to death [somebody needed to]!)

Mercury Rising (Oh yeah, you know I watched this one. Here is the condensed version: it is bad)

Breakfast of Champions (Yes the Vonnegutt novel. Yes, they made it into a movie. Yes, Bruce Willis is in it.)

Blind Date (You forgot about this one, didn’t you? Kim Bassinger is in it and they go on a blind date and then chaos ensues. Yay romatic action comedy!)

Friends (Okay, this was a TV show not a movie, but B.W.was on it and was the father of the student Ross was dating and he basically smacked Ross around the way that all of America always wanted to smack Ross around.)

Moonlighting (Speaking of TV, if you have never seen Moonlighting you should go find it and watch it. Basically an 80s private detective show but so much more awesome than that. Seriously, go see if it is on Netflix.)

The Siege (This is a very good movie that was actually made before 9/11 but deals with issues of Islamic terrorism, the murky connections the US has to the Middle East and how quickly a democracy can become a police state.)

Last Man Standing (Basically a hyper stylized cross between a spaghetti western and some classic noir. The B Dub rolls into town and plays the local bootlegger gangs off each other and then kills a bunch of people. And I think he gets the crap beat out of him and, if I remember right, there is some native American girl involved somehow … or something.)

Titanic (He played Jack.)

The Whole Nine Yards (Mister Willis played the hitman with a heart of gold who taught Mathew Perry about life, women, and love. And murder.)

The Whole Nine Yards ... 2? (Or as I like to call it, “A sequel that clearly indicates that the writers and producers of The Whole Nine Yards do not understand the meaning of the idiom they chose to use as their title but certainly enjoy making money”.)

Striking Distance (Mister Willis plays a boat cop in like Cleveland or Pittsburg or something and his new partner is pre-Sex in the City Sarah Jessica Parker and together they hunt down a killer who uses a tazer [first time I had ever seen a tazer in a movie]. Eventually the killer turns out to be Bruce’s own cousin [who was played by the guy who was also the dude perpetually working on Murphy Brown’s house]. Also this movie is noteworthy because it is the only time I have ever seen the guy who played Frasier’s dad play anything other than Frasier’s dad, only when this movie was made he WASN’T FRASIER’S DAD YET! Did that just blow your mind a little?)

And then there is the seminal masterpiece … um … um … shit ……. I think that those are all of the Bruce Willis movies I can think of without thinking very much or using the internet. That just bugs the shit out of me because I’m sure I have forgotten some of his best work. As have we all.

 
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