So remember how,
for all these years, I have been trying to warn people about the dangers of
goat cheese? Well no one EVER LISTENED and now see what has happened?
Maybe next time y'all will listen to me.
.
.
.
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
Thursday, January 17, 2013
Poetry is Hard!
Ah, the life of a crappy poet is filled with so many
artistic choices, all of which are both fundamentally and inevitably
inconsequential. For instance, here are two versions of the same poem. I could
not decide which of them was better/funnier/more delightful/funny at all/in less
bad taste. Since I could not make a definite artistic decision, I have posted
them both. Once you have read them both and decided which one you like best,
just get some White Out and use it to white out the other one on your computer
screen.
.
.
.
As Your Legal Counsel (v. 1)
As Your Legal Counsel
(Version 1)
by james bezerra
Speaking as your lawyer,
I advise you to commit less murder.
So far we have been lucky,
but surely someone is going notice
how very very very bloody
you have left this Boy Scouts office.
.
.
.
As Your Legal Counsel (v. 2)
As Your Legal Counsel
(Version 2)
by james bezerra
Speaking as your lawyer,
I advise you to commit less murder.
So far we have been lucky,
but surely someone is going report
how very very very bloody
you have left this pillow fort.
.
.
.
Drink Some Water Already.
Drink Some Water Already
by james bezerra
You don’t drink enough water.
I can tell by your pallor.
Your skin is basically gray.
It is not supposed to look that way.
.
.
.
The Public Domain
I saw the smartest note on a website the other day. It said,
“We do not own these images. All images are assumed to be in the public domain
and will be removed upon request of the owner.”
How smart is that?!
The editors here at Standardkink would like to say: We do
not own these images. All images are assumed to be in the public domain and
will be removed upon request of the owner.
(Tangentially: Hey remember that time that Metallica sued
Napster over copyright infringement or something and that Lars Ulrich son of a
bitch showed up to court with boxes and boxes of paperwork identifying all of
the people – his fans – who had been downloading his music? Yeah, that guy is a
dick.)
.
.
.
Malfunctioning Voodoo Doll.
Malfunctioning Voodoo Doll
by james bezerra
I have a bone to pick with you!
Your mother sold me this doll for voodoo
and it has not done what I asked it to do!
I stick it with long pointy pins,
but nothing happens!
I’ve tossed it into a camp fire
but it hasn’t caused the burns I desire!
Meanwhile my archrival is still out there!
He still has all his hair!
He hasn’t been mauled by a bear!
Does your mother even care?!
We’re talking about my life here!
How hard can it be
to properly make a magical dolly
which causes massive tragedy
to any and all who annoy me?
So tell your lying mother
that I’m gonna report her
to that one TV reporter
as a defective-voodoo-doll-maker!
And then that TV reporter
will come knocking on your door
and he is going to ask her
why she is defrauding me, the consumer!
And to think that I tried to support a local business
by coming here to get this!
When I could have just gone to the mall
and gotten a much cheaper voodoo doll!
.
.
.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)