** RING! RING! **
ME: Hello?
VOICE: Hi, it’s me, the unrelenting forward motion of time.
ME: Oh, yes. We have met.
TIME: Could you spare a moment to take a quick quality assurance survey?
ME: …
TIME: You’re not that busy.
ME: Yeah, fine.
TIME: Great! On a scale of 1 to 10 with 10 being absolute certainty and 1 being full-blown denialism, how certain are you that every moment of your existence is leading unflinchingly toward your own death?
ME: I mean … 10, I guess.
TIME: Great! Would you describe your existence as more like that Toy Story 3 scene where everyone is getting pushed toward the incinerator? Or more like the act of falling to the floor un-movingly when a child enters the room?
ME: Um. Five, I guess, just straight down the middle?
TIME: I see, I see. That’s not what most people usually go with, but okay.
ME: Can I ask, what exactly is being assured by this survey?
TIME: Well, you know, time has existed a long time, but it is only relatively recently - for us - that we have had conscious, sentient beings to toy with. Most of existence we’ve been dealing with planets and space dust, micro organisms, that sort of thing, so the opportunity to get real time feedback is still pretty novel for us, so we’re just trying things out.
ME: You keep saying “us" as in plural … are there other kinds of time?
TIME: Oh sure, but you don’t want to get into that! It will break your adorable little biological brain.
ME: Oooooookay.
TIME: Moving on. On a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being total transcendence and 1 being soul paralysis, what is it like for you to wake up on a Monday morning?
ME: Did you say “soul paralysis”?
TIME: Hm, not familiar with that one?
ME: It sounds terrible …
TIME: I’m told it is quite bad.
ME: Well, I guess, I mean, maybe a 6 … I don’t like waking up on Monday morning, but compared to the lives most people have lived, I probably shouldn’t complain. All I do is log into a computer and do work for 8 hours … it isn’t the most rewarding thing, but probably it is pretty far away from soul paralysis, if I really think about it. And I’ve kind of accepted that most of life is being bored frequently.
TIME: Yeah, that’s why we invented forgetting. You should be thankful for that one.
ME: You invented it?
TIME: Could you imagine if you had to actually remember how much of your life you wasted? Watching TV or waiting for water to boil, that kind of thing?
ME: I guess that would be a lot to have to confront, existentially, I mean.
TIME: So, last question!
ME: Okay.
TIME: Do you want to know how much time you have left?
ME: Excuse me?
TIME: Yeah, how much you got left on the shot clock, as it were?
ME: You’re asking if I want to know when I’m going to die?
TIME: Exactomundo.
ME: … Well … no, I guess I don’t want to know that.
TIME: Suit yourself. It doesn’t really matter anyway.
ME: How do you mean?
TIME: To us, I meant.
ME: Oh, I see.
TIME: Well, thanks for taking the time — wink wink — to talk to me today. If you ever need to get in touch with us, just walk outside at midnight, point at the moon and scream.
ME: Will do.
TIME: Have a good rest of your day.
ME: You too, thanks.
*** CLICK.***
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