Only in America . . .

Yes folks, we are running out of bullets. Read all about it!

It would be funny if it wasn't for the fact that we all know exactly what kind of people are stocking up on bullets. Its not people who are happy and get laid a lot and sitting around listening to “Give Peace a Chance”. No, these are the jackasses who fetishize their guns and pretend that an eagerness to play with them is somehow connected to their patriotism.

Happily though, this does make me think of that Chris Rock bit where he advocates “Bullet Control”. Ah, what the hell! Here is the bit so you can watch it yourself.

Enjoy!

Why is that in your ear?

So at work I mind my Ps & Qs but this guy was wearing his blue-tooth headset around in the office and it just bothered the fuck out of me at that moment and so I dove at one of my hot pink post-it notes and jotted “…is there some as-yet-undiscovered medical or glandular phenomenon whereby the pleasure centers of your lizaed brain are stimulated into an orgiastic frenzy of self-delusional rapture when you plug one of those things into your head? Does it tickle your brain into a fit of self-important, narcissistic fantasy where women want you and men want to be you? Is it no longer enough to wear your phone in a holster on your belt like you’re Gary Cooper or a Jedi with an MBA? We all know how unimportant you are, precisely because you’re wearing the fact next to your face. Important people don’t wait for the call. You, sir, have made your life about the wait for the call and we are all a little sadder today because we had to see you do it.”

This must be why employers seem to dislike hearing that employees have blogs.
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Michael Jackson Misses You Too.

So if you are like me, you have been using this long Fourth of July weekend to reflect on the meaning of Michael Jackson.

No, just kidding.

But I actually saw that on a magazine. The cover was all just a giant picture of Michael Jackson and then it said: The Meaning of Michael.

What?

I don’t even know what that means.

I know that he was hugely important to the African-American community, given the status he achieved and the time when he achieved it, and I know he created some barrier breaking music, but come on, is that why he’s on the cover of TIME Magazine? I kinda think that his hugely bizarre and disappointing train-wreck life is why he remained on the radar screen at all.

And I don’t mean to be all raining on anybody’s parade, but I think that this is what our weird TV culture does and it is annoying. The day before he died, Michael Jackson was basically a punch line and the day after he died, he’s a musical genius. That’s the part that bothers me. It isn’t you Michael, it is us, that annoys me.

When I heard that he died, I immediately posted on Facebook that I would like to be the one to start the rumor that he faked his death. Other people were posting about: “We love you Mike, and we will miss you” or “Thank you Michael”. And I was all what the fuck?

Does the fact that he made some good music excuse all the other things that he did?

How does his dying transgress those things? And would we let it if he hadn’t invented moon-walking?

Maybe I just don’t get it.
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Get Your Stupid On!

These people are awful.

These people wanted to cure their kid's cancer with sweat-lodges, herbs, and crystal therapy.

Apparently there are some people who are screaming about the role of government and those damn “activist judges”.

You know what?

This is exactly what government is supposed to do. Some people are too stupid too live, but if they live here and pay taxes here, then it is still our job to look out for them, because they are our too-stupid-to-live people.

Do you hear that you crazy, sweat-lodge fuckers? We are going to make sure that you don’t kill your kid with stupid.

America, protecting Americans from themselves since 1776.
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