A Warning For My Mom.

So awhile ago some friends of a friend were trying to launch an internet sketch comedy show and it was casually suggested to me by my friend Mike The Director that I should do some writing for them. Well I did, though those guys never saw it because the whole thing ended up falling through. I was pretty bummed about this because I had a lot of fun doing the writing. I wrote the sketch below and sent it to Mike The Director and he later called me especially to tell me that I was demented and sick (in a good way).

If anybody reads this and wants to use it for something that is totally cool, just let me know.

WARNING: THE SKETCH BELOW IS NOT SUITABLE FOR YOU, MOM.

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Internet Sketch Comedy From Hell.

INT. A Bank Loan office. Day.

JIM is in a suit sitting behind a desk. MARY and JOSEPH enter and move to the desk to sit.

JIM
Hi! Hi! Good to see you again. Come on in.

JOSEPH
Thanks. How are you?

JIM
Good, good. And you?

MARY
We're good. Thanks.

JIM
Okay, well, let's get right down to business. I hear that you are having some second thoughts about the house.

MARY
We are . . .

JOSEPH
We love the house. We do ...

MARY
Yeah, but we just think that in this market we might be able to get more for our money.

JIM
Right, right. Well I understand that. It is a buyer's market.

MARY
Yeah ...

JIM
Well since you are being honest with me, I will be honest with you ...

MARY
O...kay?

JIM
I have a pretty severe drug habit ...

MARY
Oh.

JIM
Yeah, it's pretty bad. And I really need the signing bonus on this house.

MARY
Well ...

JIM
No, no. I'm not going to sugar coat it. I need this money, so I want to make you an offer and hopefully you will reconsider signing papers today.

MARY
Ummmm ...

JIM
Here is my offer:if you don't sign these papers right now, I am going to skull fuck a baby.

MARY
What!

JIM
Yeah. I will. I will fuck its soft little tiny face in.

JOSEPH
Oh my god!

JIM
Yeah, the little pink mouth, the innocent little eyes.The whole thing.

MARY
We are leaving! Come on Joe.

As they are getting up to leave Jim reaches under the desk and picks up a baby-carrier, which he sets on the desk. The baby makes sweet little baby noises. Joseph and Mary turn back.

MARY
Oh my god!

JIM
Yep, yep. I brought a baby. And as soon as you walk out that door I am going to skull fuck it straight to hell.

JOSEPH
What the fuck is wrong with you?

The baby starts to cry because Joseph is yelling.

JIM
Sssh. Ssh. Are they upsetting you? Are they? Can you say: please save me from having my face fucked in? Can you say that?

MARY
We will call the cops!

JIM
Or you could just buy this house.

MARY
Come on, we're leaving!

JIM
SKULL - FUCK - THIS - BABY.

JOSEPH
I think he's serious.

JIM
I am. Oh, look at how small and innocent it is. And how tight its eye sockets look.

JOSEPH
OKAY! Okay. Shit. We'll sign.

MARY
JOE!

JOSEPH
What do you want me to do?

Jim holds a pen out to JOSEPH.

JIM
Sign here. Good. And here. Here. Here. Oh, here too. And here. Here. And ... yeah, there too. Well, congratulations.

MARY
Fuck you!

JOSEPH
You're a sick fuck!

JIM
Do you guys want to keep this baby? I don't know what I will do with it now.

Mary grabs the baby carrier and rushes out, followed by Joseph.

Jim sits, opens the drawer of his desk and takes out a mirror and a plastic baggy filled with cocaine. He hums to himself as he empties some out onto the mirror.


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