Karl Marx, Gods, and Goats.

Hello, yes, it has been awhile. So long in fact that maybe we need to get to know each other again? You know, before we get in too hot and heavy into all of this blogging. Maybe you’ll sleep in the guest bedroom tonight? That way neither of us feel any … pressure … you know? Thanks, that’s super cool of you. I really appreciate your being understanding; it has just been awhile … since we blogged last.

So what have you been up to lately? Really? Well that is just fascinating.

Me? Not much. Working mostly. Although I did recently participate in the alleged theft of some rocks glasses from a local bar … I went to see the very cool The Heartless Bastards.

Also, I have been reading a lot. I FINALLY got around to reading Neil Gaiman’s very very long “American Gods” (it was quite good, though I never quite got behind a protagonist named “Shadow”) and I just started Gideon Defoe’s anarchic “The Pirates! In an Adventure with Communists” (Basically it is about some pirates who hang out with Karl Marx on an adventure. Here is a snippet I particularly like from page 92”:

‘Really? I didn’t know that,’ said the albino pirate.
‘You see, wax is basically bee sick.’
‘What if there aren’t any bees about? Bees get all sleepy in winter,’ said the pirate who knew a bit about nature.

The whole book is like that!).

I have been bi-polar-ly seesawing lately between being in love with everything in the world and hating everything in the world. I think I’m not eating enough fruit or something.

For a brief moment recently I had completely forgotten about the fact that I totally want a pet goat! But I was reminded of it recently by my roommate Rainbow Chrysanthemum. For your edification and my amusement, here is a picture of a goat in a taxi cab:





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The Goat I will be Getting.

If you have been reading this blog for awhile then you know that:

A) I had spent some time looking for a hobby other than writing, because I was going to go insane.

B) That I have recently (and only barely) tried out backpacking.

C) That I tend to get mildy obsessive about things from time to time.

Now I have thus far sheltered you, dear blog, from my growing onsession about backpacking stuff. Largely because this is first and foremost a blog about writing (however crappy) and only secondarily about me. You have no idea how many times I have wanted to tell you about my Alpine Design Ultralight 45 Terrain Mummy Bag or my Eureka Spitfire 1 tent or the Jetpoint Zip stove after which I lust, but I have decided that unless I can make that interesting to read about (and not just fetishistic) then I shall not bother you about those things.

Anywhoo, the point is that there IS a piece of equipment that I would like to get that will benefit my new found hobby AND also be interesting to read about.

You see, I would like a goat.

I recently read that the average-sized goat can haul up to 65 pounds over uneven terrain. Can you imagine that! I wouldn’t have to carry anything! And it’s not like I travel with 65 pounds of stuff anyway, so the goat will actually have a pretty light load!

I won’t need to bring any food for the goat because goats will eat positively fucking anything! And they already make special vests for dogs to wear while hiking, so I can probably just get one of those for my goat.

Also, if I ever choose to go backpacking solo, I will have the goat to keep me company and protect me from bears and bobcats and such. And I will train it to follow simple commands like, “Come this way Goat!” or “Stop trying to eat that rock, Goat!” or “Oh no! I’m trapped under a boulder, go get help, Goat!”

And while I am sleeping my goat can guard my campsite and if it gets cold, then my goat can sleep in the tent with me and we can keep each other warm, and if it gets REALLY cold … well did you ever see Empire Strikes Back? But let’s hope it never comes to that.

So – tell me honestly – is this not like the BEST idea that you have ever heard of? I mean, I can’t even imagine a single thing that could go wrong with this plan! NOT ONE SINGLE THING!

I am thinking of naming my goat Tinkerbell. After Paris Hilton’s Chihuahua.


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Travels with My Goat.

Here is a poem that I wrote about my goat:

Travels with My Goat
by james bezerra

If I had a goat,
then she would be
my hiking buddy
and together
we would weather
every storm, scale every peak, climb every crag, hike every trail, mount every summit, spelunk every cave, sail every sea, raft every river, canoe every lake, fish every pond, cross every desert, eat every piece of garbage …
Wait!
That’s the goat. The goat is doing that.
It has stopped again.
It is eating garbage again.
Who leaves garbage all the way out here?
Never mind. What was I saying?
… and together
we would weather
every storm, scale every peak, climb every crag, hike every trail, mount every summit, spelunk every cave …
Ouch!
Do not bite me goat! Stop it. Ouch!
Let go of my sleeping bag! Give that back …
Oh! Oh great! Look you have ripped it! You have ripped my sleeping ... stop eating it! I demand that you stop eating it right now!
Christ all mighty.
What was I saying?
Right …
If I had a goat,
then she would be
my hiking buddy
and together
we would weather
every storm …
Oh god do not do that right there! You cannot crap in the middle of the trail! This is NATURE! It is pristine and beautiful! You can’t crap on NATURE!
You know what? Forget it! Forget it goat. I am leaving you here! Have fun surviving in NATURE! Without a stove and sleeping bag! How do you like that goat!
If I had a goat,
then she would be
my hiking enemy
and a terrible trail partner
and we’d part ways forever.


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