An Actual Email I Sent.

An Actual Email I Sent:

If we had any money we should make a Star Wars-inspired series of shorts about the Westerns religions:

The Classics

Episode IV: Judaism

Episode V: Christianity (Catholic)

Episode VI: Islam

The Prequels

Episode I: Cavemen invent religion by worshipping rocks (or what the hell ever it is they did).

Episode II: Paganism & Zoroastrianism

Episode III: The Hellenistic traditions (Greece, Rome, etc.)

The (might as well be) Re-boots

Episode: VII: Protestantism

Episode VIII: The American religions (Jehovah’s Witnesses, Mormons, Scientologists, etc.)

Episode IX: Science (in which we renounce all religion but end up nuking ourselves to death with all of our fancy technology, and our few distant descendants, who survive in a bleak stone age world, begin worshipping rocks.)

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Judgement Day.

Even if I’m wrong about god and his interventionist tendencies I still can’t imagine that he’s without a wye sense of humor and so I’m left to think of a moment in the future when I’m standing at the pearly gates and Saint Peter (who I imagine has no sense of humor whatsoever)

looks down at me and asks, “So do you want to answer for this rather long list of sins or do you just want to go straight to purgatory and hang out with Sinatra and George Clooney and the tailor who makes their suits and the bartender in a skirt who always remembers what you’re drinking?” And for Peter’s sake I will pretend for a moment that I am thinking about how to answer. If you ever need to find me though, I’m the guy by the bar getting his inseam measured.

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How to Choose a Religion.

How to Choose a Religion


by james bezerra



I am not Jewish.

Though sometimes I do wish

that I were Jewish



See, I love going to Passover!

And I have still never

seen this Elijah fellow!

When he finally turns up, I’d like to say, ‘Hello!’



And though I’m not Jewish

just about my favorite food dish

is some matzo ball soup; so salty and brownish!



I am, however,

willing to try some other religions

if they too have some tasty food on offer.


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