Dumb.

My neighbors are having a friday night party and for me this is a particular kind of horror. I have talked about this on here before, but you know how I kind of think I’m the coolest person I have ever met (owing to some very specific and probably easily diagnosable kind of narcissism) well it always bothers me to know that other people are having fun without me. This is not because other people are having fun without me. No no, that would be too clean. It is because other people are not having nearly as much fun without me as they could be having with me.

Judging by the noise level, I think that they are about to leap from their balcony into the pool. I admire that kind of verve, but I have been on my own balcony enough to ponder the physics involved and I’m pretty sure that if they do make the jump it will end with compound fractures. I will keep you posted on my neighbor’s progress toward their own destruction.

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NFC.

The FUCKING EDITORS have a song on the FUCKING New Moon FUCKING soundtrack?!! Are you FUCKING kidding me? FUCKING seriously?

This is like FUCKING using a FUCKING Pixies song in a FUCKING Mountain FUCKING Dew commercial or something.

Not FUCKING cool.

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Just Peel Away the Layers of Funny.

If you’re like me, sometimes you’re reading The Onion and laughing and laughing, but then you pause for a moment of reflection and you ask, “Is there anything which could possibly be funnier than The Onion?”

And I bet that you always thought it was one of those unanswerable questions, like, “How many compulsive light bulb un-screwers does it take to screw in a light bulb?” or “What’s the difference between a duck?”

Well I am here to tell you that it is NOT an unanswerable question! Because there is something funnier than The Onion!

What is it?

This: Literally Unbelievable.org

People misunderstanding the very nature of The Onion and commenting on it as though its stories were real.



** Special thanks to the Standardkink reader who sent this site to me. You know who you are. **

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Frightened Fat Kid Inherits North Korea.

I know that you are in the loop and up on your current events, so I don’t have to tell you that recently it has seemed like the government in North Korea is maneuvering to establish Kim Jong Il’s son Kim Jong Un as the clear successor to his father.

Since the government of North Korea is all old-school Stalinist and still more secretive than M. Night Shymalan wants you to be about the end of his “movies”, no one actually knows who the hell Kim Jong Un is or what the hell he looks like or what makes him so qualified to run the world’s most batshit insane dictatorship. This goes for North Koreans too, they are all like, “I’m too busy starving to really care much at this point.”

So those ever-subtle style-makers up there in Pyongyang figured out how to make it super clear who will lead them into the future. Here is what they did: they let him go out in public.

That’s right. They allowed him to be seen.

Here is a picture from a recent North Korean rally, he’s the kid on the left.





Ha!

That was a joke. Seriously though, here you go, he’s the kid on the left.





Ha!

You fell for it again!

Seriously though this time; he is the kid on the left.






So there he is. Cower in fear world!

This poor guy has a lot to live up to. His father (the guy on the far right who looks like Mrs. Kim from The Gilmore Girls) is simply out of his mind in a way that only absolute power can make you.

You know what I really want to know though? How come the guy in the middle of that last picture isn’t the guy in charge? His hat is big and that probably makes him qualified. That Kim Jung Un is lucky that Dr. Seuss didn’t overthrow Korea and install a Communist government back in the day because if he had then – I suspect – political power would be determined entirely by the size of one’s hat (this is how the Catholic Church has always done it) and Kim Jong Um would be out on his ass.


HERE is an actual article about what's going on up there in the North.

(BTW, I bitch and moan a lot, but I understand that if I lived in North Korea and posted this blog entry, I would probably go to jail, or worse. GBA.)

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An Earnest Appeal.

Dear all white guys with dreadlocks,

Please stop.

That is all.





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Empiricism. Dumb People. Health Insurance.

Oh! One more thing. This morning CNN was showing live footage from one of these town hall meetings that Senators and Congressmen have been enduring as of late, and as you might have guessed, there were a bunch of the anti-healthcare crazies there. It did not (or has not yet anyway) degenerated into a middle-aged-bald-pot-bellied-white-man riot, but I think t has some potential.

Seriously, these people are acting like idiots.

One guy wants a rule that requires all Federal legislation to be written at a junior-high school reading level. And he was angry! He was angry that it wasn’t already being dumbed-down for him!

Man, I say give these fuckers their own country. They will never be able to built a nuclear bomb or a helicopter or a sewage treatment plant. They will die off in a couple generations, victims of their own stupidity.

And just to be clear, I am not wishing death upon them. I am not trying to deport them. I’m just saying, they are dumb.

And I don’t consider this to be me asserting my superiority. I think that really anyone who watched these people would have to agree that they are dumb. In this case, dumb is an empirical measurement.
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