A Good Day for Love, Freedom.

Judge overturns Calif. gay marriage ban.

You have already heard about it, but here is an article just in case.

I'm so happy about this I might just drive up to San Francisco and marry a dude.

I know that there is going to be a big, nasty appeals fight and everything, but at least for TODAY, love and freedom and - you know - legal common sense won the day.

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UPDATE: Fuck, the judge just stayed the ruling, so I can't marry a dude tomorrow, but this is still a good day, theoretically anyway.
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What I’m Working On.

So I will admit it, I have been a moody little bitch lately. Luckily for those of you who actually know me, I don’t do things like – you know – genuinely express emotion, so you may not have noticed. Seriously, unless you read this blog (or maybe my Facebook updates) you would probably think that I am just a happy-dappy dandy. And you know what? A lot of the time I am, but that’s because I compartmentalize so well. I really do! I am airtight! I’m like a submarine of emotion. I have been reading a little about it on the internet though and – according to medical professionals, and stuff – this is not actually a good thing.

I want to say that I will try to not be that way, but I worry that I might be lying. I’m really not sure how else to get through the day. I mean, how do you get through a day of work when all you want to do is lay down and go to sleep until your life gets better? The only way that I know how to do it is to lock down those feelings and keep going. I’m sure that shrinks have a word for this.

Today is not that bad. But I am very much confused, emotionally right now. There is a lot going on in a lot of different area of my life and I just don’t know what to think about any of it. This is unusual for me. I really have spent a lot of my life (recently anyway) being super-focused on forward movement.

Right now though I just feel like I’m unsure what direction to head in. That is strange for me.

So by this point I’m sure that you have stopped reading this post because of how extremely boring and self-indulgent it is. So since it is just me here and I like the sound of my own words, I will carry on.

Basically I am in a soul-searching kind of place right now. Sure this is all residual break up stuff, but what better time to self-evaluate than a time like this? My biggest concern right now is that I will likely end up being single for a very long time. I always assumed that I was good at being in a relationship because I was basically always in one. This recent break up really damaged me in some fundamental ways and it has called into question a lot of the basic assumptions that I have always made about myself as a person. I think back on some of the stuff that was said and I read over some of the worst text messages (which I saved because I am a masochist or something) and I realize that a lot of the things she said about me are probably true. And these were not nice things.

And so now I am looking back at my life through this new lens and I’m realizing how awful I have been. There were times when I have been a terrible friend and a despicable boyfriend and an even more tragically bad husband. None of the things I’m realizing are over-the-top, they are all pretty small and subtle and low-key kinds of awful, but they seem to add up to a kind of wrenched and ugly whole and I’m not happy about it. But at the same time, I am trying to take ownership of it all.

Now I will pause here for a second and say that, yes, I know that there are people in the world way worse than me and that I am making a big deal out of what are, for the most part, pretty run-of-the-mill life experiences. However that does not make me feel any better about myself.

To sum it all up, I just feel like I have lost the plot of my life. I still have a lot of pain that I am trying to process and I am trying to do it on the go and I am trying to really enjoy the small moments of happy that life affords me right now and I am trying to figure out if there is a way to have people in my life in a meaningful way without completely poisoning them. Right now it seems like that is a pretty tall order, because I just feel like I’m toxic.

So anyway, that’s what I’m working on.


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Cool Houses in Small Spaces.

Do you remember that time when we met and I awkwardly hit on you and you told me that there was no way in hell and so then I was all like, “Well in that case, can we talk about quirky Japanese architecture for awhile?” and you were all like, “Sure, I have nothing better to do”?

Well I was thinking about that yesterday when I heard a story on NPR about some of the especially interesting work that Japanese designers have recently been doing with very small spaces.

Here is a link to the story.

Even if you don’t want to read/listen to it, at least check out the pictures. They look kind of like Ikea bomb shelters of the future.

I love that there are people out there in the world doing really good and interesting work, whatever that work might be.

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Our Big Cadillac.

Most of the email that I get lately is spam. I think that I ended up on some list that got sold recently.

I have the email alert on my phone set to vibrate, so there’s a little party in my pants pocket every time that I get an email and I get so excited to see what new email treasure I have received from the world. Lately though, it always turns out to be something about how I have won a laptop or how I might have unclaimed government money due to me or how I can make $50k a year working part-time from home.

So when I feel that tickle in my pocket and reach on in there, I am invariably disappointed, because part of my brain always thinks that you have finally decided to write me and tell me that you want to run off together. How we should steal a convertible Cadillac and drive across this big country of ours and fall in love while the sun sets over the great plains. How we should eat at roadside diners and always only order whatever that day’s special is. How we will sleep curled up together in the big leather backseat of our big, stolen American automobile. How you will whisper in my ear that this is your best moment in all of your life.

But sadly, you never send me that email. So I am always disappointed.


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Notorious Logic.

If, in fact, mo’ money causes mo’ problems, then - logic would dictate – less money causes fewer problems.

I am not finding this to be true.

Notorious B.I.G. logic: FAIL.


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Republicans Are Terrible.

So you probably haven’t noticed because I’m sure that you have better things to do, but I recently added that word cloud thing down on the bottom right hand side of this here blog. All of those words and phrases are tags that I have used on my past posts and it seems that they are kind of organized based on amount of usage.

I only point this out because – apparently – one of my most frequently used tags is, “Republicans are terrible”.

I am quite proud of this because it happened quite accidently.

So anyway, to recap: Republicans are terrible.
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(I hate to make such a broad generalization and usually wouldn’t be so comfortable doing it, but in this case, I am okay with it. I don’t think that every single Republican is necessarily terrible, but that’s the point. You and I could be fast friends, but when you decide to be a Republican and to identify yourself that way, you’re no longer standing with me, you’re standing with the Sarah Palins and the Tom Coburns and the Rick Santorums of the world. When you register Republican or vote for them or give them money, you are supporting all of their worst elements, the people who oppose gay marriage, who oppose a woman’s right to control her own body, who oppose extending unemployment benefits during the worst economic crunch that you and I are ever going to live through, who oppose fixing our healthcare system. These people are terrible and obstructionist and simply corrosive to the collective soul of our country. And so that’s why they’re terrible. And that is why I will proudly use the tag again right now.)

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Couch Sleeping.

I have been sleeping on the couch a lot lately because it is less lonely than sleeping in my bed. This is probably not healthy.

Going to sleep alone and waking up alone has been a difficult adjustment for me. Obviously.


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